written by Jeff Goode


JEFF. I just saw that Mel Gibson movie, Apopalypso.

MIKE. I think it’s Apokalypto.

JEFF. What is his problem with Jews?

MIKE. Well… where to begin…

JEFF. I mean, I get it, they killed Christ, but that was like 3 years ago, can we please find a way to move forward.

MIKE. The Jews did not kill Christ, the Romans did.

JEFF. In the movie, sure. But I’m talking about the Passion of the Christ.

MIKE. That was a movie.

JEFF. I know that.

MIKE. Then what are you talking about?

JEFF. Don’t you read the papers? Jews control Hollywood. If they hadn’t forced him to kill Jesus in the movie, Mel was totally going to have Christ break out of prison and start the rapture 2007 years early.

MIKE. What?!

JEFF. But instead he was forced to kill off Jesus all over again in his movie. And now we have to wait till next year to see what happens.

MIKE. It sounds like you think the Rapture is coming in 2007.

JEFF. Yeah, whose idea is that?

MIKE. It sounds like it’s your idea.

JEFF. Hey, I don’t schedule the movies, I just watch them.

MIKE. And you think the Apocalypse is coming out next year?

JEFF. No, I told you, I just saw it this weekend. That’s what Apopalypso means.

MIKE. Apokalypto.

JEFF. It’s Jewish for Apopalypse.

MIKE. It’s not Jewish.

JEFF. Or Hebrew or whatever they speak.

MIKE. It’s not Hebrew either.

JEFF. What is it?

MIKE. Just some made up language that nobody speaks.

JEFF. Yiddish?

MIKE. It’s not a language!

JEFF. Are you sure about that? ‘Cause I’ve heard of Yiddish.

MIKE. Yiddish is a real language. Apokalyptese is not.

JEFF. But Mel Gibson is American

MIKE. Actually, he’s Australian.

JEFF. But he speaks American.

MIKE. …Yes.

JEFF. Well then how was he able to communicate with his actors?

MIKE. He probably spoke English.

JEFF. Wait, so Mel Gibson is bi-lingual?


JEFF. Wait, that makes perfect sense, cuz he’s also an actor / director. I bet that’s how he won the Oscar. Because he directs like he’s an Englishman. But he acts American so people can understand him.

MIKE. He’s Australian. And maybe you should try acting like something people can understand.

JEFF. But so did he have to learn Apopalypsese just for this movie?

MIKE. The actors didn’t speak Apocalypsese.

JEFF. Oh, yes they did. They were fluent.

MIKE. They were pretending

JEFF. Apopnapok tak tiki lippi

MIKE. I don’t know what that means.

JEFF. No, because you’re not Apopolese.

MIKE. Nobody’s Apopolese.

JEFF. No, not anymore, because they got wiped out in the movie by an army of Jewish conquistadors.

MIKE. The Conquistadors were Spanish.

JEFF. They used to be. But Mel made them Jewish to get back at the Jews in Hollywood who wouldn’t let him kill Christ the way he wanted to.

MIKE. Why would Mel Gibson want to kill Christ?

JEFF. Exactly. It’s a sign of the end times. And next year, when Apopalypso wins the Oscar for best picture, and hell freezes over, the earth will open up and swallow the Kodiak theatre with all the Hollywood liberals inside. But Mel will be Raptured out of there and taken up to heaven as a sign that even if the Malibu Police and the Film Industry don’t respect him, at least he has the respect of his peers.

MIKE. His peers in heaven?

JEFF. That’s right.

MIKE. You mean God?

JEFF. That would make sense, wouldn’t it?

MIKE. No, there’s no part of this conversation that has made any sense.

JEFF. You should go see Apopalypso.


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