written by Jeff Goode


JEFF. I just saw that new animated cartoon movie. (snickering) It was hilarious!

MIKE. Chicken Little.

JEFF. What’d you call me?

MIKE. That’s the name of the new animated movie that just came out. Chicken Little.

JEFF. …Really?

MIKE. (sarcastic) No, I’m making it up.

JEFF. Oh, good, cuz I thought it was called something else.

MIKE. What did you think it was called?

JEFF. I dunno, but Chicken Little’s a way better title. Because check it out, the main character…?

MIKE. Was a little chicken?

JEFF. A little? He was a TOTAL PUSSY!! He was runnin’ around. "Oh my God! Look out! Agh! We’re gonna die! Incoming!" SPLOOSH! "Oh, my leg! I’m never gonna walk again!"

MIKE. Wait a minute. Chicken Little loses a leg?

JEFF. It was awesome! This was the bloodiest children’s cartoon I have ever seen in my life. "Agh, my leg! Medic!"

MIKE. Hold on. Chicken Little lost his leg??

JEFF. Him or some other guy. They all look alike to me.

MIKE. The chicken and the pig. They look the same to you?

JEFF. Hey, I don’t judge people by their appearance.

MIKE. Or animals, apparently.

JEFF. I don’t care if you’re a chicken or a hillbilly or a woman. Once you put on that uniform, they’re all men in uniform as far as I’m concerned.

MIKE. What uniform?

JEFF. The army uniform they were all wearing.

MIKE. Chicken Little joins the army?

JEFF. Actually, no, you’re right, I think they were marines.

MIKE. …It sounds like you saw the movie Jarhead.

JEFF. That’s what it was called. Jarhead! (laughs) God, it was hilarious.

MIKE. I haven’t seen Jarhead, but I’m pretty sure it’s not hilarious.

JEFF. Well, not like Passion-of-the-Christ hilarious. But that’s what happens when you make an ensemble comedy. The humor gets watered down.

MIKE. Passion of the Christ was not a comedy.

JEFF. (heard it before) Yeah, yeah, I know, because you’re Jewish.

MIKE. No! Not because I’m Jewish. Because it’s not funny.

JEFF. Oh, right. And you know what’s funny, because - - -

MIKE. No, that’s not why! This is not about me!

JEFF. No, it’s about this guy (laughing ) who’s a jarhead.

MIKE. What’s funny about that?

JEFF. Oh, come on! A guy with a jar for a head? That’s gotta be funny even in Jewish. (pantomiming a jar for a head) "Whoooa! Watch the head."

MIKE. He’s not a jar-head, he’s a marine.

JEFF. (laughs) And he gets sent to Iraq!

MIKE. What’s funny about that?

JEFF. (laughing) He’s in Iraq. And he’s got a head like a jar!

MIKE. It’s not a comedy! It’s a war movie.

JEFF. Yeah, sure. A war movie for kids.

MIKE. It’s not for kids.

JEFF. Then why is there all the blood and violence? It’s a total kids movie. Adults would freak out if they saw this. People getting slimed with body parts? It’s like something from Nickelodeon.

MIKE. But it’s not from Nickelodeon.

JEFF. Then why did they make it animated?

MIKE. It’s not animated.

JEFF. Sure it is.

MIKE. It doesn’t even look animated.

JEFF. No, it looks CGI.


JEFF. Computer Generated Something.

MIKE. I know what CGI means.

JEFF. And this was the really good CGI. It looked totally real. Some of that blood splatter was straight out of Passion of the Christ.

MIKE. So you thought Jarhead was a CGI animated film about a chicken.

JEFF. No, I said it was an CGI film about a total pussy. Cuz that guy lost his shit.

MIKE. And the fact that it was about marines in Iraq. You thought that was funny.

JEFF. (laughing) Iraq is a desert! Marines live in water! It’s like the Marx Brothers. "Where’s my body armor?" "We don’t have body armor." "Incoming!" …BOOM! (laughs) "Ah! My leg!" "Harpo! You can talk!"

MIKE. You are a sick, twisted bastard.

JEFF. Hey, I don’t write this stuff. Those guys are sick.


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