JEFF
            So I saw that Mission Impossible movie today. And man, Tom
            Cruise is NUTS!

                                   MIKE
            Damnit, we go through this every time we review a Tom Cruise
            movie. You can't say anything defamatory about Tom Cruise,
            because if you do, you'll get sued. And I don't know about
            you, but I don't get paid enough to cover a court case.

                                   JEFF
            I'm not even talking about...you get paid for this?

                                   MIKE
            I sure as shit don't do it for free...I mean, no, I don't get
            paid. I do it for the love of movies.

                                   JEFF
            Man, you're a sucker. Anyway, yeah, Tom Cruise is NUTS! He's
            totally obsessed!

                                   MIKE
            Well, he says he's in love.

                                   JEFF
            He's in love? How do you fall in love with an inanimate
            object? That's just crazy!

                                   MIKE
            Hey, Katie might be a bit of a blank slate, but I hardly
            think calling her "inanimate" is fair.

                                   JEFF
            Well, she is. Besides, her name isn't Katie.

                                   MIKE
            Right, right. Kate Holmes.

                                   JEFF
            I thought his name was Oscar.

                                   MIKE
            Oscar? Who the fuck is Oscar?

                                   JEFF
            The guy the award was named after.

                                   MIKE
            You mean THE Oscar? The Academy Award?

                                   JEFF
            I thought so. But maybe they changed it to the Katie. Doesn't
            have the same resonance, though.

                                   MIKE
            Jesus...

                                   JEFF
            What? He keeps talking about Katie this, Katie that. I
            figured it was all part of his obsession!

                                   MIKE
            Ok. Look. Katie Holmes and the Academy Award are not the same
            thing. One is a person, the other is a statue. And what makes
            you think Tom Cruise is obsessed with winning one? I'm sure
            he'd like to win one, but I'd hardly call that an obsession.

                                   JEFF
            No, I saw the movie, and realized the full depths of his
            sickness.

                                   MIKE
            Really.

                                   JEFF
            Dude! He blackmailed Truman Capote and forced him to fight a
            death match on film just to get his Katie!

                                   MIKE
            It's not called a Katie! It's still an Oscar, just like it's
            always been...
                          (it hits him)
            Truman Capote?

                                   JEFF
            Yeah. Famous author. Won a Katie. Maybe you've heard of him.

                                   MIKE
            Oh Jesus.

                                   JEFF
            I mean, Tom Cruise has done some pretty weird stuff. But this
            is just over the line.

                                   MIKE
            I don't even know where to start.

                                   JEFF
            He went forward in time in that one movie with the bald chick
            who could see the future, then he went back in time to Japan
            in that other movie, then he got that really crappy haircut
            in "Collateral." He's really obsessed.

                                   MIKE
            Ok. Look. Truman Capote the writer is NOT in Mission
            Impossible III. The ACTOR who PLAYED Truman Capote is in
            Mission Impossible III, but he's obviously not playing Truman
            Capote.

                                   JEFF
            Well, yeah. Truman Capote isn't an international criminal
            mastermind. Which is why it's so weird that Tom Cruise would
            cast him.

                                   MIKE
            He didn't! He cast the actor who played Truman Capote!

                                   JEFF
            But I thought Truman Capote played himself in Capote.

                                   MIKE
            That's impossible!

                                   JEFF
            But I all heard when the movie came out was "oh yeah, he
            looks just like Truman Capote and he sounds just like Truman
            Capote." I just assumed it was Truman Capote.

                                   MIKE
            He's been dead for 20 years!

                                   JEFF
            Really? That would be kind of a plot hole, yes.

                                   MIKE
            KIND OF a plot hole?

                                   JEFF
            But then why did everyone say he looked and sounded just like
            Truman Capote!

                                   MIKE
            He's a good actor. That's why he won the Oscar.

                                   JEFF
            You mean the Katie.

                                   MIKE
            Stop it.

                                   JEFF
            So you're saying Tom Cruise isn't a good actor?

                                   MIKE
            He's a good actor. He's just not as good as Philip Seymour
            Hoffman.

                                   JEFF
            Who?

                                   MIKE
            The guy who played Capote. The same guy who was in Mission
            Impossible III.

                                   JEFF
            Ok, let me see if I understand this.

                                   MIKE
            By all means.

                                   JEFF
            This actor guy, Philip Michael Thomas. He played Truman
            Capote in the movie about Truman Capote, and he looked and
            sounded just like Truman Capote, but he wasn't Truman Capote.
            And he was also in Mission Impossible III, but this time he
            wasn't playing Truman Capote.

                                   MIKE
            Yes. Actors play different roles in different movies. 

                                   JEFF
            And this guy played a villain, and Tom Cruise wasn't trying
            to kill him on screen to take his Oscar?

                                   MIKE
            Right. Yes.

                                   JEFF
            I think I get it. So does this mean Tom Cruise isn't nuts?

                                   MIKE
            Oh no. Tom Cruise is nuttier than a crate of cashews.

                                   JEFF
            Right. Doesn't that mean you'll get sued now?

                                   MIKE
            Oh shit...

                                   JEFF
            Yeah. Good thing you get paid so much. Who pays you, anyway?

                                   Mike looks and Jeff and shakes his
                                   head.

                                   BLACKOUT