JEFF. So I hear theyre having those Oscars again this year.
MIKE. Yes, theyre on Sunday. Are you going to watch?
JEFF. Fuck no! You know my girlfriend just broke up with me.
MIKE. Oh. Was she into the Oscars?
JEFF. Hell no! That bitch hates the Oscars. (catches himself; for the audiences benefit:) As do I! I have never watched the Oscars. And I never will.
MIKE. Didnt you used to host an Oscar party every year?
JEFF. Okay, I experimented with watching the Oscars in college. But that was it.
MIKE. We watched it at your house last year. You wore a wookie costume.
JEFF. I was a hobbit. (gang sign) Word to my home-its in the shire.
MIKE. So why dont you want to watch the Oscars this year?
JEFF. I just told you, Im between girlfriends right now. The last thing I need to do is watch a show thats gonna turn me gay.
MIKE. Turn you gay--?
JEFF. --I think Im gay enough sitting here with you.
MIKE. The Oscars are not gonna turn you gay
JEFF. --Chris Rock says the Oscars will turn you gay. And hes the host.
MIKE. I dont think thats what he said.
JEFF. Gay as a French Foreign film. Is what he said.
MIKE. Okay at the risk of having this conversation I think what Chris Rock actually said was that if you watch the Oscars youre probably already gay.
(for audience:) Which is why I have not watched the Oscars since I was a freshman.
(to Mike:) After I found out one of my roommates was gay.
MIKE. Let me guess - His ass tasted like cock.
JEFF. (beat ) Those records are supposed to be sealed!!
MIKE. You see every movie that comes out. You dont want to find out who wins?
JEFF. I do not see movies that "come out". I only see the straight ones. And the really straight ones I see twice.
MIKE. The really straight ones?
JEFF. I saw Spiderman Two five times.
MIKE. Spiderman Two is up for an Oscar.
JEFF. It is?
MIKE. So is Passion of the Christ.
JEFF. Spider-Man is gay? --No, wait, Jesus is gay??
MIKE. Nobodys gay. Theyre just movies.
JEFF. Mel Gibsons not a movie.
MIKE. No, Mel is a real person.
JEFF. A real gay person.
MIKE. The Oscars dont make you gay!
JEFF. Then how come they gave him an Oscar for 1995s Braveheart, beating out Sense and Sensibility, Babe and Il Postino. And the very next movie he made was Pocahontas. So dont try to tell me those little gold dildos dont turn people into pooter tooters.
MIKE. Do you even know what Pocahontas is about?
JEFF. I dont watch gay porn.
MIKE. Its the story of an Indian Princess and the Captain of the Jamestown settlement.
JEFF. Then whys it called Pocahontas?
MIKE. Because thats her name.
MIKE. Its not gay porn!
JEFF. Then why did they give Mel Gibson an Oscar?!
MIKE. Because he directed the best picture that year!
JEFF. (simmering:) You must think Im pretty fucking stupid.
MIKE. Okay, I know how it sounds, but its true
JEFF. --You expect me to believe that Mel Gibson is not gay, but he is a good director. Huh? Huh?? What do I look like?
MIKE. You know what if it gets me out of defending his directing career Im willing to give you that Mel Gibson may in fact be as gay as a man in a kilt playing a bagpipe at a Massachusetts wedding.
JEFF. I knew it!
MIKE. But even if that was true
JEFF. --You just said it was true.
MIKE. Even though thats true The Oscars did not make him gay.
JEFF. Then why did
MIKE. --Chris Rock was just saying that to get attention.
JEFF. So the Oscars are just being gay to get attention?
MIKE. Yes. But the Academy Awards do not turn people gay. Its just a television show. Youre the same after you see it as before you see it.
JEFF. So it doesnt do anything?
JEFF. Nothing happens when you watch TV.
JEFF. Thats good, cuz (tears up) I never miss the Oscars. (weeps)
MIKE. Whats wrong?
JEFF. Now its too late to have a party.
MIKE. Do you want me to come over and watch them with you?
JEFF. (thinks about it, nods)
MIKE. All right. Do you need me to bring anything? Chips?
JEFF. (thinks about it, nods) Im out of baby oil.
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