The Passion of The Christ

written by Jeff Goode


JEFF. I saw that movie, The Passion of Christ this week.

MIKE. Oh yeah? How was it?

JEFF. (uneasy) Oh. Good. Good.

MIKE. Was it anti-Semitic?

JEFF. Oh, no, I don’t think so. Not at all, really.

MIKE. Cuz they’re all saying it is.

JEFF. Oh. No. …no. No. …no.

MIKE. What? What is it?

JEFF. Well, it’s just…

MIKE. It is, isn’t it?

JEFF. No, not-- It’s not the movie. The movie’s fine. It’s just that I saw it the other day…

MIKE. Yeah?

JEFF. And now I want to kill Jews.

MIKE. Really? Wow. …How many?

JEFF. Oh. Just a few. Two or three.

MIKE. And you think the movie did this to you?

JEFF. Well… I don’t see how it could. I mean, there’s nothing in the film itself.

MIKE. Anyone specific?

JEFF. Oh no. Of course not. I mean, Barbra Streisand.

MIKE. Sure.

JEFF. And then one or two others.

MIKE. And this started right after the film?

JEFF. Well, not right after.

MIKE. I suppose it could be a coincidence.

JEFF. It has to be.

MIKE. When you say, "not right after", what do you mean? The next day?

JEFF. It was during the film.

MIKE. Oh. Well, that’s troubling.

JEFF. I know.

MIKE. What do you think it was?

JEFF. Well, I dunno. I guess I first noticed it during the beating scene. They were all beating him with sticks and whipping him and laughing.

MIKE. Those were Romans.

JEFF. W-what?

MIKE. The Roman soldiers were the ones beating him.

JEFF. Then why were they dressed like Jews?

MIKE. They were dressed like Jews?

JEFF. They had on these old fashioned… Jew clothes, like helmets and capes and armored breastplates.

MIKE. Those were Roman centurion costumes. Because they were Roman.

JEFF. Oh, really? Well, but it was more than just that. There was this creepy devil guy slinking around all the time. With really white skin.

MIKE. That was the devil.

JEFF. It was?

MIKE. Yeah, I think so. That’s what I heard.

JEFF. Why was he acting like a Jew?

MIKE. I don’t think he was. He was acting like the devil.

JEFF. Oh. Well, what about all the crowds of people yelling at him and throwing stones and saying, "crucify him"?

MIKE. Those might have been Jews.

JEFF. Okay, cuz those were the ones that really got me. They were following him through the city, spitting on him and calling him names: "Jew! Jew! Pick up your cross, Jew! Don’t bleed on the sidewalk, Jew! Keep walking, Jew! Jew! Jew! Jew!" God I hate that word.


MIKE. Um… Is it possibly you were a fuck-up before you saw this movie?


JEFF. See! I knew there was nothing wrong with that film!


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