"All-Remake Week"

written by Jeff Goode


JEFF. Hey. Sorry I’m late.

MIKE. You’re not late. You were here when I got here.

JEFF. Really? Wow. I must’ve dozed off. Remake Week really takes it out of me.

MIKE. Remake week?

JEFF. Don’t get me wrong. I enjoy sitting in a dark theatre for 6 hours as much as the next guy.

MIKE. It takes you 6 hours to watch a movie?

JEFF. For a remake, yeah. Because before you can see the movie, you have to see the original. And then sometimes you have to see the original again after, because you learned something new. Like when it was revealed that R2D2 was really Darth Vader’s father.

MIKE. He was not!

JEFF. Then how come they have the same hairline?! That shit is hereditary.

MIKE. …So you saw a remake this week?

JEFF. I had no choice, all the movies that came out this week were remakes. That’s what Remake Week is about. The studios release all their remakes at once and see if one floats.

MIKE. I assume you’re talking about All The Kings Men.

JEFF. That’s right. First up is All The King’s Men — a remake of the beloved children’s classic from 1949 — All The King’s Men — starring some old 1940s actor.

MIKE. Did you say "children’s classic"?

JEFF. In this new updated version starring Sean Penn as Humpty Dumpty–

MIKE. Humpty Dumpty??

JEFF. Or maybe he was the King. I don’t know. I was really confused by this movie.

MIKE. All The King’s Men is not a remake of Humpty Dumpty.

JEFF. No, it’s a remake of All The King’s Men–

MIKE. Yes.

JEFF. Which was a remake of Humpty Dumpty.

MIKE. No, it’s not.

JEFF. "All the king’s horses and all the king’s men, couldn’t put Humpty together--"

MIKE. I know the nursery rhyme.

JEFF. This version was a big disappointment because it really only tells half the story. We never see any of the King’s Horses, so we don’t ever get their side of the story.

MIKE. You also don’t see any giant eggs.

JEFF. Which is the other flaw with this movie. I think Sean Penn was completely miscast. They needed to go with someone more egg-shaped as Humpty. Like Chris Farley.

MIKE. Chris Farley is dead.

JEFF. Not in 1949, he wasn’t.

MIKE. No, in 1949 he wasn’t born.

JEFF. Exactly! He would have been an egg. And if they had cast Chris Farley in the original movie, they would have had to cast someone who looks like him in the remake. Or put Sean Penn into a fat suit. Or remake it with a digital Chris Farley and a whole bunch of CGI horses, and unicorns.

MIKE. That’s idiotic.

JEFF. I know. Total thumbs down.

MIKE. I told you, you can’t say that.

JEFF. Why not?

MIKE. We’re not those guys.

JEFF. What guys?

MIKE. The thumbs down guys.

JEFF. The Roman emperors?

MIKE. No, the guys that–never mind.

JEFF. Our second movie of the All-Remake Weekend is Flyboys. A bold re-imagineering of the Jeff Goldblum classic The Fly in which Jeff Goldblum’s illegitimate offspring from the first movie grow up and travel back in time to become World War I flying aces. Now here’s what I found fake about this–

MIKE. Oh boy…

JEFF. The Fly Boys are part Fly. Why would they need airplanes to fight the Nazis? That’s just stupid.

MIKE. That makes 3 of you.

JEFF. Next up! Jackass Number Two. A remake of the Johnny Knoxville classic Jackass No Number. With Johnny Knoxville taking over in the role of "himself" that he created in the original movie just 4 years ago. Weird.

MIKE. I think you’re confusing remake and sequel.

JEFF. A sequel is when the plot of one movie continues on into the next movie.

MIKE. Right.

JEFF. And a remake is when you take the exact same plot and do it all over again in the second movie exactly the same.

MIKE. Right.

JEFF. So Jackass is a remake of Jackass.

MIKE. (beat) When you make sense, that’s not cool.

JEFF. Sorry.

MIKE. It confuses me.

JEFF. Jackass is an incredible special effects-laden extravaganza–

MIKE. What?

JEFF. I haven’t seen someone take a beating this bad since the Passion of the Christ. My balls still ache from some of the CGI in this movie.

MIKE. Those are not special effects.

JEFF. They’re not?

MIKE. All that stuff really happened, that’s the whole point.

JEFF. You’re kidding!


JEFF. Even the part where they whipped the shit out of him, and stapled him to the cross?

MIKE. No, Jackass.

JEFF. Retard!

MIKE. No, the movie Jackass was real. The Passion of the Christ was not.

JEFF. (beat) You’re a Jew, aren’t you?

MIKE. Moving on.

JEFF. Finally, the coup de grace of All-Remake Weekend is Jet Li’s Fearless. Which is a remake of Jeff Bridges’s Fearless from 1993 in which Jeff Bridges gets in a plane crash, and then turns into a total pussy who has to see a therapist to solve his problems. In this new version, Jet Li plays Jeff Bridges, and after the plane crash he doesn’t become a pussy at all, but kicks the ass of everybody in China instead. Way cooler. Plus, he doesn’t need to see a therapist anyway, because they cut the plane crash scene. So it’s just Jeff Bridges kicking ass for the whole movie — played by Jet Li.

MIKE. I don’t even know where to begin.

JEFF. That’s okay, because our work here is done. That’s all for Remake Week. Tune in next time when adult porn star Tickle Me Elmo tries to make a career comeback with a remake of the original Elmo doll.

MIKE. Tickle Me Elmo is not a sex toy.

JEFF. Not if you hold it wrong.


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