School for Scoundrels

written by Jeff Goode


JEFF. So I saw that School for Scoundrels documentary about the guy who goes to this school to learn how to be more of a scoundrel, and then the teacher steals his girlfriend, so he has to use what he’s learned about evil to get back at him–

MIKE. That wasn’t a documentary.

JEFF. It’s not?

MIKE. No. It’s a fictional movie.

JEFF. But it has Billy Bob Thornton in it.

MIKE. Yeah, he’s in a lot of movies. He’s an actor.

JEFF. No way! I totally thought he was a real person.

MIKE. He is a real person. He’s an actor. He won the Oscar for Sling Blade.

JEFF. Wait, hold up. That wasn’t really him in that movie?! MIKE. (incredulous) He played a mentally-retarded person.

JEFF. Yeah, I know.

MIKE. He’s not retarded in any of his other movies.

JEFF. Not as retarded.

MIKE. Did you think he made a miraculous recovery?

JEFF. You gotta admit, his progress has been impressive.

MIKE. He’s not making progress. He’s an actor.

JEFF. So he’s still retarded?

MIKE. No, he was never retarded.

JEFF. Uh oh.

MIKE. He was acting retarded for that movie.

JEFF. I donated money to Special Olympics because of him.

MIKE. Well… good for you.

JEFF. I get that back now, right?

MIKE. No. They get to keep it.

JEFF. Well, that sucks! What a fucking rip off.

MIKE. I really hate to say this, but if you’re stupid enough to get scammed by the mentally-retarded…

JEFF. I’m not sayin’ it’s not partly my fault. But now I’m out 100,000 bucks!

MIKE. What!? Where did you get $100,000.

JEFF. …I’d rather not say.

MIKE. Why? …What?

JEFF. There’s this retarded guy lives in my building…

MIKE. Jesus Christ!

JEFF. I figured he’d want to help Billy Bob get to the Special Olympics.

MIKE. You’re going to hell.

JEFF. So Bad Santa isn’t a documentary either?


JEFF. And he wasn’t at the Alamo.

MIKE. No, they were all movies.

JEFF. Well, that explains a lot.

MIKE. Yeah, like why Davey Crockett had a film crew following him.

JEFF. He’s a very famous person. They all have film crews.

MIKE. He was born before cameras were invented.

JEFF. Then what did they use to shoot his TV series?

MIKE. Hickory bark.

JEFF. Those native Americans were a lot craftier than we give ‘em credit.

MIKE. So you thought the School for Scoundrels was a real place?

JEFF. Well, I knew something was fishy about it.

MIKE. Like what?

JEFF. Why would a former President be teaching at a University?

MIKE. Actually, a lot of them do that.

JEFF. So it’s based on a true story?

MIKE. No, this one’s completely fictional.

JEFF. And also, if this guy wants to be evil to get back at the teacher who stole his girlfriend, why would he use lame pranks that the teacher taught him. He’s gotta see that comin’.

MIKE. Why? What would you do?

JEFF. (thinks about it) Wire her diaphragm with explosives and detonate it when they’re trying to have sex.

MIKE. I’d like to withdraw the question.

JEFF. That’d work, wouldn’t it?


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