MIKE
            Hello, and welcome to Mike and Jeff's third annual Summer
            Movie Preview, where we give you a taste of the big
            blockbusters hitting cinemas this summer.

                                   JEFF
            Snakes on a plane.

                                   MIKE
            Yes, we will be talking about "Snakes on a Plane." 

                                   JEFF
            Snakes on a plane!

                                   MIKE
            But our first big film is "X3: The Last Stand," coming out
            May 26th.

                                   JEFF
            Let me guess, no Vin Diesel in this one either, right?

                                   MIKE
            No, I don't think Vin Diesel is in it. Unless he's playing a
            new character. I know Kelsey Grammar is.

                                   JEFF
            Kelsey Grammar wasn't in the first two.

                                   MIKE
            I know. I just said he was playing a new character.

                                   JEFF
            But Vin Diesel wouldn't be a new character. He was in the
            first one.

                                   MIKE
            No, he wasn't.

                                   JEFF
            Vin Diesel was in the first one, then Ice Cube was in the
            second. Don't you even pay attention to who's in movies?

                                   MIKE
            Vin Diesel and Ice Cube were not in "X-Men." 

                                   JEFF
            Duh! I know that.

                                   MIKE
            So what the hell are you talking about?

                                   JEFF
            "X3!" 

                                   MIKE
            I get it. Vin Diesel wasn't in "X-Men" but he was in "XXX."

                                   JEFF
            Yeah. "X3." Triple X. Same thing.

                                   MIKE
            Not the same thing. Not even close. One is about the struggle
            of mutants against a hateful society, the other is some
            random action movie with a salacious and confusing title.

                                   JEFF
            Just because Vin Diesel has freakishy huge muscles and Ice
            Cube is black doesn't mean they're mutants.

                                   MIKE
            Ok. On June 2nd, Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn star in
            "The Break Up," about a couple that breaks up but decides to
            keep living together.

                                   JEFF
            Jen strikes back! You go girl!

                                   MIKE
            Strikes back?

                                   JEFF
            This is her response to that homewrecker husband Brad Pitt
            tramping it up with that brazen slut Angelina Jolie. 

                                   MIKE
            It's not a "response." It's a movie.

                                   JEFF
            Brangelina made that "Mr. and Mrs. Smith" movie about the two
            of them getting together, so Vincifer made "The Break Up"
            about the two of THEM getting together in response.

                                   MIKE
            Please never use the word "Vincifer" again. Look, they didn't
            MAKE the movie about them hooking up. They happened to hook
            up during the movie, just like Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie
            did during "Mr. And Mrs. Smith." It's just a coincidence.

                                   JEFF
            So movie stars just happen to fall in love with each other
            every time they make a movie, and that all these hookups
            aren't part of a carefully calculated career strategy planned
            at the highest levels of Hollywood? Now who's being naive?

                                   MIKE
            Certainly not me. 

                                   JEFF
            Snakes on a plane!

                                   MIKE
            Yes. On June 30th, Superman returns in..."Superman Returns."

                                   JEFF
            Gay!

                                   MIKE
            Look, just because the movie's director is gay and Superman's
            suit has an abnormally large bulge in the frontal area, that
            doesn't automatically make him gay.

                                   JEFF
            Mike, Superman is the gayest superhero of all time. 

                                   MIKE
            Superman is not gay!

                                   JEFF
            He's gayer than Batman, gayer than the Flash. He's gayer than
            Aquaman, and Aquaman is GAY. His name is "Clark," which is a
            classic gay name. He spends all his time alone in the
            Fortress of Solitude, and everyone knows gay people like to
            be alone. And he wears his underwear on the outside of his
            pants. Do you know any straight people who do that?

                                   MIKE
            I don't know ANYONE who does that. If Superman was gay,
            explain his on-again, off-again relationship with Lois Lane.

                                   JEFF
            Hello? She's a beard! 

                                   MIKE
            Even if Superman was gay, which he isn't, why would it
            matter? As long as he defeats Lex Luthor and saves the world,
            he can have sex with gorillas, for all I care.

                                   JEFF
            Gorillas? That's just sick.

                                   MIKE
            On July 7th, Captain Jack Sparrow is back in "Pirates of the
            Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest."

                                   JEFF
            Do you know what it's rated?

                                   MIKE
            Rated?

                                   JEFF
            Yeah. What's "Pirates of the Caribbean" rated?

                                   MIKE
            I'm not falling for this.

                                   JEFF
            Falling for what?

                                   MIKE
            Please. Do you think I'm stupid? You ask "what's it rated"
            and I say "I don't know" and you say "ARRRRRR."

                                   JEFF
            What are you talking about? I would never do anything that
            juvenile. My nephew wants to see it, and I don't know if he's
            too young to go.

                                   MIKE
            Oh. Sorry. 

                                   JEFF
            Really. Sometimes you treat me like a child.

                                   MIKE
            I know. And I'm sorry. I didn't even know you had a nephew.

                                   JEFF
            Yep.

                                   MIKE
            How old is he?

                                   JEFF
            He's nine years ARRRRRRR!!!!!

                                   MIKE
            I hate you. Now, there's some other films coming out this
            summer. M. Night Shamalyan's fairy tale, "The Lady in the
            Water," "Prarie Home Companion," "Miami Vice" and many
            others. But we end this year's Summer Movie Preview with the
            one film that people can't stop talking about.

                                   Mike gestures for Jeff to speak.

                                   JEFF
            What?

                                   MIKE
            I wanted to let you say it.

                                   JEFF
            Say what?

                                   MIKE
            "Snakes on a Plane."

                                   JEFF
            Snakes on a plane!

                                   MIKE
            You've been talking about it the whole time we've been doing
            this, so I thought you should preview the movie.

                                   JEFF
            What movie?

                                   MIKE
            "Snakes on a Plane!"

                                   JEFF
            That's a movie? I thought it was just a popular new catch
            phrase, like "Welcome to the OC, bitch!" or "Hey Macarena!" I
            guess so many people were saying it that they decided to make
            a movie out of it.

                                   MIKE
            No, it's always been a movie. The catch phrase caught on
            because the title is so cool.

                                   JEFF
            So what's it about?

                                   MIKE
            Who cares? It's called "Snakes on a Plane" and it's got
            Samuel L. Jackson. What else do you need to know?

                                   JEFF
            You know what, I think I get it now. So there's Samuel L.
            Jackson and the snakes on a plane. And that became this
            really popular catch phrase. But there's also that new Oliver
            Stone movie about 9/11 called "World Trade Center." 

                                   MIKE
            Oh no.

                                   JEFF
            So the plane is the plane that hit the World Trade Center,
            and the snakes are the terrorists and the catch phrase became
            so popular because the movie is all about Samuel L. Jackson
            kicking the terrorists ass! And they changed the title,
            because nobody wants to see "World Trade Center" but everyone
            wants to see "Snakes on a Plane!" That totally makes sense!

                                   Long pause.

                                   MIKE
            I'm going to go hang myself. Enjoy your summer.

                                   Mike exits. Jeff turns to the audience.

                                   JEFF
            Snakes on a plane!

                                   BLACKOUT