Spider-Man 3

written by Jeff Goode


JEFF. I just saw that new Spider-Man movie. And I expect a full apology.

MIKE. What did I do?

JEFF. Don’t get me started. But I’m talking about what the movie’s done.

MIKE. You expect an apology from the movie?

JEFF. Any day now.

MIKE. You realize a movie can’t actually apologize for things it’s done.

JEFF. This is an outrage, Mike! Somebody has to apologize.

MIKE. So you didn’t like the film.

JEFF. Are you kidding? I loved it. The best one yet.

MIKE. If you enjoyed the movie, why should it apologize?

JEFF. Oh, that’s a great attitude. So if a movie is good it doesn’t matter what kind of atrocities it commits?

MIKE. Atrocities?

JEFF. I suppose you think winning an Oscar makes it all right what the Inconvenient Truth did to the environment.

MIKE. That wasn’t them–

JEFF. And if Birth of a Nation had better special effects it wouldn’t matter that it started the KKK? You can’t fix that with CGI, Mike.

MIKE. I’m impressed that you know so much about film history. And by "so much" I mean "that you can name a film before 1977".

JEFF. Oh, yeah. Birth of a Nation. Great film. I have it as a screen saver on my cell phone.

(Shows him.)

MIKE. Where did you get that?

JEFF. Klan meeting.

MIKE. Okay–

JEFF. And Passion of the Christ was before 1977. I saw that just a couple years ago.

MIKE. Yeah, in 2004. When it was released in theatres. After 1977.

JEFF. It may have been released in 2004, but they shot it in the time of Christ.

MIKE. No, they did not.

JEFF. It was a documentary–

MIKE. It was not a documentary

JEFF. –They had to shoot it in the Time of Christ, or they would have missed all the good stuff.

MIKE. So they shot it all live, and it just took them 2000 years to edit?

JEFF. Well, yeah. Cuz they didn’t have the equipment.

MIKE. So why do you think the new Spider-Man movie should apologize to you?

JEFF. No, not to me.

MIKE. Well, then who?

JEFF. I don’t know. Society, I guess. Or whoever you apologize to in these cases. But I think you’re supposed to start with Al Sharpton.

MIKE. Al Sharpton?

JEFF. Or Jesse Jackson.

MIKE. You think Spider-Man 3 did something racially insensitive?

JEFF. My God, yes! Have you seen it?

MIKE. Not yet.

JEFF. You haven’t seen the new Spider-Man?


JEFF. He’s all over the place. How can you miss him? You haven’t seen the ads?

MIKE. I’ve seen the posters, if that’s what you mean.

JEFF. Well, there you go.

MIKE. What?

JEFF. ...He’s black.


JEFF. The new Spider-Man is black!

MIKE. His costume is–

JEFF. And not just black. He’s a deep, Nubian black. Like Darth Vader.

MIKE. Darth Vader is not Black.

JEFF. He’s James Earl Jones!

MIKE. That doesn’t make him black.

JEFF. So all those characters James Earl Jones played. They were white guys?


JEFF. James Earl Jones is black, Mike. I don’t care if he’s not as dark as the new Spider-Man, he still counts.

MIKE. Okay, but the new Spider-Man–

JEFF. Is black.

MIKE. –Is wearing a black costume.

JEFF. Because he’s playing a black character.

MIKE. And even if he was black–

JEFF. Power corrupts, Mike–


–Which he is not

JEFF. Absolute power corrupts absolutely.


Okay, now you’re just saying random things from comic books.

JEFF. Excelsior!


Just because there’s a black costume in a movie, doesn’t mean it’s offensive to people of color.

JEFF. See, that’s what I thought at first, too, when I saw the poster. I mean, so what if Black Spider-Man was out of work for a couple years and his buddy normal Spider-Man got him a job on his new movie. That doesn’t make it racist. But then I went and saw it.


And there was something in the film you found to be more racially insensitive than, say, your last remark.

JEFF. Totally. The whole thing is full of negative racial profiling.


Such as?

JEFF. Well, for one thing, Black Spider-Man is way more bad-ass than normal Spider-Man. That’s a total stereotype. And they didn’t actually show Black Spider-Man’s dick, but he sure acted like a bigger dick than normal Spider-Man.


"Normal" as opposed to "Black".

JEFF. I’m sorry, "Normal", as opposed to "Afro-Spiderm’n".

MIKE. Afro-Spiderm’n?

JEFF. That’s what they prefer to be called.

MIKE. Who?

JEFF. Members of the Afro-Spiderm’n community.

MIKE. I think that’s a pretty small community

JEFF. Yeah. That’s why they’re a minority.

MIKE. I see.

JEFF. Which is why they need special treatment. So until they have equal rights, you have to apologize publicly for everything you do to them.


Or you could not do things to them.

JEFF. Listen, Mike, this is our country, and if they’re going to come here illegally, they’re going to have to learn to put up with our behavior, until they figure out how to look and act like normal people do.

MIKE. Actually - and I’m sure I’m going to regret this - I think the Afro-Spidermen probably came here as slaves.

JEFF. And slavery is illegal.

MIKE. Like I said.

JEFF. Just because some of them are now respected businessmen and superheroes, that does not excuse how they got here.

MIKE. So you want them to apologize.

JEFF. The only way we’re going to get rid of racial inequality is for all the racial people to start acting and behaving like non-racial people.

MIKE. And how do non-racial people act?

JEFF. We apologize.

MIKE. So you think the solution to racism is for minorities… to apologize…?

JEFF. That’s right!

MIKE. …For what’s been done to them.

JEFF. With great power comes great responsibility.

MIKE. That’s fucked up.

JEFF. It’s the American way.


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