written by Mike Rothschild


JEFF. So I saw that Transformers movie. And man, am I traumatized.

MIKE. It was that bad?

JEFF. Let's just say it brought back some unpleasant memories.

MIKE. Did you have a bad experience with the toys?

JEFF. Toys?

MIKE. The Transformers toys.

JEFF. There's Transformers toys? Since when?

MIKE. Are you kidding me? The whole movie is based on the toys. It's the toys come to life with celebrity voices. What did you think the movie was about?

JEFF. My childhood!

MIKE. Which consisted of you not playing with Transformers toys.

JEFF. We didn't even have them when I was a kid! Now I'm jealous.

MIKE. So when you looked at the poster for "Transformers" your mind made the leap to "I'd really like to see that movie about toys I didn't play with when I was a kid because it'll remind me of when I was a kid?"

JEFF. Mike, you just don't hear that many stories these about being a Jeff-Bot.

MIKE. It makes absolutely no sense whatsoever... (beat) Jeff-Bot?

JEFF. You didn't know?

MIKE. Didn't know what?

JEFF. About my Jeff-Bot heritage. I really thought I told you.

MIKE. No, I don't think you did. I would have remembered hearing about you being a Jeff-Bot, Jeff.

JEFF. Hmmm. Well, now you know.

MIKE. That's great. You're a Jeff-Bot. So, uh, what's a Jeff-Bot?

JEFF. A transforming metatronic robot designed to mimic humans so that we may live among them in privacy.

MIKE. Awesome.

JEFF. Many thousands of years ago, on the planet Jeff-Tron, there were two factions at war. The Jeff-Bots stood for all that was righteous and holy, while the Jeff-Icons represented evil and liberalism. The war devastated the whole planet and left my race all but extinct. The survivors fled our dead world and scattered out into the stars to find the Jeff-Spark, which would restore life and peace to the whole Jeff Race.

MIKE. You know that's basically the story of "Transformers" right?

JEFF. Now you see why the movie brought so many bad memories back to me! I was just a kid when we fled Jeff-Tron! That movie might as well have been my baby book.

MIKE. I don't mean to dispute your story, but, you weren't born on Jeff-Tron. You were born in Iowa. Second, being righteous and holy are pretty much the same thing. Third, YOU AREN'T A ROBOT! I don't know what the hell kind of paint you've been huffing, but you are not a robot. You are a human being. A sad, disturbed human.

JEFF. I am so a Jeff-Bot. I can prove it to you.

MIKE. How?

JEFF. I'll transform.

MIKE. Into what?

JEFF. You'll see as soon as I transform. Which I'm going to do off-screen for reasons of privacy.

Jeff gets up and walks away.

MIKE. I'm too old for this crap.

Offscreen, we hear a TRANSFORMING noise. After a few beats, Jeff walks back on wearing a bike helmet, sunglasses and pieces of cardboard taped on his body.

MIKE. Um, wow.

JEFF. I don't make fun of the way you look, Mike.

MIKE. I'm just saying that Jeff and Jeff-Bot look pretty much the same.

JEFF. Our quest for the Jeff-Spark must be carried out in secret.

MIKE. Ok, I hate to be the bad guy here, but wearing sunglasses and a crash helmet doesn't make you a robot. I could flip up my collar and squint and I'm still Mike.

He flips up his collar and squints.

JEFF. JEFF-ICON! Assume defensive position!

Jeff assumes a defensive position.

MIKE. Uh...

JEFF. Leave the humans alone! They're a young race but have much potential!

MIKE. Jeff...



Mike flips down his collar.

MIKE. I'm not a Jeff-Icon! I'm not a robot and neither are you.

JEFF. I'm sorry. When you've been at war for ten thousand years, you get a little jumpy.

MIKE. Are you feeling ok? I'm actually kind of worried about you.

JEFF. Don't be. I'm a soldier.

MIKE. Did you get hit on the head today? Have you been seeing strange lights? You didn't eat any wild mushrooms, right?

JEFF. Well, I did take a lot of Tic-Tacs before I saw Transformers.

MIKE. Tic-Tacs?

JEFF. My breath really stank. Do you want one?

MIKE. Sure.

Jeff pulls a pill bottle out and tosses it to Mike.

MIKE. (reading) Zyprexa. For the treatment of severe schizophrenia.

JEFF. I found those in a dumpster and they're awesome.

MIKE. Your breath sure must have stank.

JEFF. Well, it's not easy being a Jeff-Bot.


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