World Trade Center

written by Jeff Goode


JEFF. I saw that World Trade Center film.

MIKE. Yeah? How was it?

JEFF. I couldn’t believe it.

MIKE. You couldn’t believe it good, or you couldn’t believe it bad?

JEFF. I couldn’t believe it fake. It was totally implausible.

MIKE. That’s too bad. I heard Oliver Stone tried to be accurate this time.

JEFF. Are you kidding? First off, the movie is about two firemen who get trapped in the rubble of the World Trade Center–

MIKE. Actually, it’s about two Port Authority police officers, if we’re going for accuracy.

JEFF. Potato, potahto. If you’re gonna nitpick, then, yeah, it was about two guys trapped under the World Trade Center. And how they got rescued.

MIKE. Well, without nitpicking, what were the discrepancies you spotted?

JEFF. I just told you, there were these two guys rescued from under the World Trade Center.

MIKE. And?

JEFF. And there were no survivors of the World Trade Center!

MIKE. …Yes, there were.

JEFF. They blew up these two massive buildings! Nobody got out of there alive.

MIKE. Yes, they did. Thousands of people got out.

JEFF. It was Ground Zero in the War on Terrorism. There’s nothing left of it but a huge hole in the ground.

MIKE. Yes, and before it was a huge hole, it was two burning buildings and people ran out of them.

JEFF. How did they get past the terrorists?

MIKE. What terrorists?

JEFF. The World Trade Center was attacked by terrorists, Mike.

MIKE. Yes, I was aware of that, thank you.

JEFF. So what are you saying? The terrorists attacked the World Trade Center, and then they just let the hostages go free? That doesn’t make any sense.

MIKE. I don’t think the terrorists had a choice in the matter. They were dead by the time the evacuation started.

JEFF. Dead? From what?

MIKE. From crashing into the building.

JEFF. With what?

MIKE. With an airplane. With two airplanes. That they hijacked. And flew into the buildings.

JEFF. That’s crazy. They would have died instantly.

MIKE. They did die instantly.

JEFF. That’s nuts! When did this happen?

MIKE. September 11th, 2001.

JEFF. The same day as the terrorist attacks?

MIKE. Those were the terrorist attacks.

JEFF. No, the World Trade Center was brought down by terrorists on the ground working from the inside. Don’t you read the papers?

MIKE. I don’t read the Daily Planet, if that’s what you’re talking about.

JEFF. Everyone knows the September 11th attacks were carried out by gay and lesbians who wanted legalized marriage. And liberals upset about the 2000 elections. And Jews.

MIKE. What?

JEFF. They all called in sick that day, and then they smuggled nuclear weapons into the basement and set them off as soon as all the straight people showed up for work.

MIKE. Where would gays and lesbians get a nuclear weapon?

JEFF. From the Jews, obviously. (whispers) They’re nuclear, now.

(Mike just stares.)

The explosion took out both buildings. And wiped out most of lower Manhattan. There were no survivors. That’s why they call it Ground Zero. Millions of people died. Pretty cool, actually.

MIKE. …You think the September 11th attacks were cool?

JEFF. No, I’m not gay, if that’s what you’re asking.

MIKE. Nobody said you were gay.

JEFF. Because I’m not.

MIKE. Fine.

JEFF. They were cool in a heterosexual way.

MIKE. You need to shut up.


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