copyright © 2003 Jeff Goode


by Jeff Goode

Charon by Jeff Goode (copyright © 2003)
All rights reserved. This script may not be performed, printed, downloaded or re-transmitted without the author's consent.

Hi! My name is Karen.
I'll be your waitress this evening.
I'm sorry, waitperson. Wait-entity, really. Wait-being.

Would you like to look at a menu? Or do you need a minute to recover from the shock?

I know it's probably not what you expected. But we've found that the thing people miss most about their previous life is the food. So we like to start you off with a nice hot meal.

You could think of it as your last meal.

Unless you already had one.
Gosh, I hope not. Those types are the worst.
Terrible manners. Nasty attitudes. Lousy tippers.
Like it's my fault they got the electric chair.

You would think being executed by a jury of your peers would be a deterrent to bad behavior, but I guess not.

But I can tell by the surprised look on your face that you're not one of those.
It's pretty obvious you didn't see this coming.

So what did happen?
Drive by? Heart attack? Land mine?
Talking on the cell phone when you should've been watching the road?
Maybe you were just sitting quietly in a theatre, minding your own business, when the roof collapsed. That happens. Especially when the darn things haven't been inspected for 15 years.

So this little plot twist must have you very disoriented.

That's why we like to start people off with a familiar setting, and some comfort food.

Before we converted this place to a restaurant, it was nothing but people running around screaming for the first half hour.

I mean, nobody wants to go from the first act of Rent, straight into the depths of hell.

Not that that's where you're going. Sorry. I don't mean to alarm you.
You could be going to the "other place", for all we know.
You don't find that out until much later.

In the mean time, relax. Sit back. Have a bite to eat.

I can tell you the specials, if you like, but we have pretty much everything.
Except low fat, low cal, low cholesterol.
I mean, really, at this point, what's the point?

I just hate it when people come in here and try to order the diet plate.
Like they're trying to prove something.

I say, live a little!
We have a wonderful fettucini alfredo carbonara a la mode that is just to die for.
And all of our desserts are literally sinful.
(A little afterlife humor. Good for the digestion.)

So can I start you off with an appetizer?
Chili cheese fries?
Beaujolais fondue?
How about a plate of truffles?

Or do you still need a minute?
That's okay. Take your time.
That's why they call us the wait staff.
We've got all the time in the netherworld.

[Not that that's where you're going.]

I'm sorry, I did it again.

[I gotta watch that.]

I shouldn't even joke.

Honestly, don't even worry about that.
Where you're going hasn't even been decided yet.

That comes later.

After we see how you tip.