INT. DOUG’S LIVING ROOM - 2 DAYS AGO
DOUG IS SITTING ON THE COUCH WATCHING TV, A REMOTE
CONTROL IN ONE HAND, A PLASTER CAST ON ONE FOOT. FROM
THE TELEVISION, WE HEAR THE FAMILIAR SOUND OF A MOTHER
ADVISING HER DAUGHTER ABOUT FRESHNESS.
TV DAUGHTER (V.O.)
Mom, do you ever feel... not fresh?
DOUG
(CRINGING) Ah, jeez.
TV MOTHER (V.O.)
Every woman does, now and then.
But do you know what I reach for
when I’m feeling... less than
fresh?
DOUG
(CRINGING) Oh God.
TV DAUGHTER (V.O.)
Not the leading vaginal freshener,
I hope. I hear it can cause
drying, chapping, flaking,
cracking...
DOUG
Isn’t it enough that these products
exist, do they have to put them on
my TV??
RICKY
(FROM THE NEXT ROOM) What?
DOUG
Nothing!
RICKY
Doug?
DOUG
What?
DOUG’S ROOMMATE RICKY COMES IN. HE IS DRESSED LIKE A
GIANT HOT DOG.
RICKY
Do you think I’ve sold out?
DOUG
(LYING) No, of course not.
RICKY
Really? (THEN) But I’m a big hot
dog.
DOUG
No, Ricky, look, you’re an actor,
and you’re getting paid to act.
There’s no shame in that.
Remember: There are no small parts,
just small actors.
RICKY
Yeah, I guess so.
RICKY STARTS TO LEAVE, COMES BACK.
RICKY (CONT'D)
Waitaminute! You’re just saying
that cuz you want me to pay the
rent.
DOUG
All right, yes! Yes! I’d like you
to pay the rent on time for once.
So sue me.
RICKY
You would let me go out and be a
weiner?
DOUG
That’s right, because I’m sick of
you lying around on the couch all
day because you’re too pathetic to
just go out and get a job.
RICKY
Look who’s talking!
DOUG
I have a broken foot!
RICKY
And why do you have a broken foot?
DOUG
I had a snowboarding accident!
RICKY
And why did you have a snowboarding
accident?
DOUG
I work for a snowboarding company!!
RICKY
You were showing off in front of
Allison is what happened. And you
broke your foot, and now you’re
lying around on the couch because
you’re too pathetic to just go up
and ask her out.
DOUG
First of all, I was not showing
off. I was on the bunny hill.
RICKY
That’s so cute.
DOUG
And I wasn’t doing it to get a
date.
RICKY
Why not, if she’s so hot?
DOUG
I never said she was hot.
RICKY
You don’t need to say it. I can
tell by the way you keep not
wanting to talk about her.
DOUG
Do we have to talk about this?
RICKY
See!
DOUG
I’m not looking to get into another
relationship right now, and you
know it.
RICKY
Not this again. When are you going
to get over what’s-her-name and get
back in the saddle?
DOUG
First of all, I don’t think they
like when you call it a saddle.
RICKY
Whatever.
DOUG
And for your information, what’s-
her-name had a name.
RICKY
If you say so.
DOUG
And YOU should know her name. You
slept with her!
RICKY
Whoa, buddy, you got no proof of
that.
DOUG
You TOLD me about it!
RICKY
Oh, that’s right. Man, she was
hot.
DOUG
You are the worst roommate ever.
RICKY
You both wanted out of that
relationship and you know it. I
just made it easier for you. I’m a
healer.
DOUG
Nice bedside manner.
RICKY
I haven’t had any complaints. So
when are you going to ask Allison
out?
DOUG
What is your obsession with
Allison?
RICKY
It’s your obsession. I’m just
facilitating.
DOUG
My relationship with Allison is
strictly platonic.
RICKY
You mean you’re gay?
DOUG
No!
RICKY
Plato was gay, man.
DOUG
I’m not gay!
RICKY
So you DO want to have sex with
her?
DOUG
No. Of course not. No. Not at
all.
RICKY
Wow. If she’s this hot, I can’t
wait to meet her.
DOUG
Then go down to my office and meet
her yourself. Don’t drag me into
this.
RICKY
Nah, it’s better if you break ‘em
in for me. Then when your fear of
commitment kicks in, whoomp, there
I am, a warm bun to cry on.
DOUG
I’m not afraid of it.
RICKY
(TEASING) Afraid of what?
DOUG
(AFRAID) Of that thing you said.
RICKY
The “C” word?
DOUG
I just don’t like it jumping out at
me.
RICKY[]
I hear ya, brother. So what do you
say? You, her, the moon, the
stars.
2 or 3 field goal attempts, then a
quick lateral to your roommate.
DOUG
No.
RICKY
Come on! Give a dog a bone!
DOUG[]
I work with Allison. I am not
going to jeopardize that so you can
have rebound sex.
RICKY CROSSES TO THE FRONT DOOR.
RICKY
Oh, I get it. You work with her so
you see her as sort of a co-worker.
DOUG
Right. Kinda like how I live with
you so I see you as sort of a dick.
RICKY THROWS OPEN THE FRONT DOOR, SURPRISING WARD WHO WAS
ABOUT TO KNOCK.
WARD
What the--!
RICKY
Well, if it isn’t our married
friend Ward.
WARD
How do you do that?
DOUG
Squeaky floorboard in the
stairwell. Come on in.
WARD
No, I can’t stay, I gotta get
going.
DOUG
You just got here.
RICKY
Yeah, one beer. We hardly see you
any more. Not since the accident.
WARD
You mean the wedding.
RICKY
Right. What did I say?
DOUG
Your timing is perfect, they just
did feminine deodorant so the TV
should be safe for a few minutes.
RICKY
(HANDING HIM A BEER) Come on, have
a beer.
WARD
(DRINKING THE BEER) Really, I
can’t. Rita’s waiting down in the
car.
RICKY
Well, invite her up. We’d love to
see her. (SHOUTING OUT THE WINDOW)
Hey, lady! (TO WARD) What’s her
name again?
WARD
Actually, Doug, I just stopped by
to ask you a favor.
DOUG
Sure, anything.
WARD
Great! Thanks!
WARD STARTS TO LEAVE.
DOUG
Whoa whoa whoa. What is it?
WARD
Okay, Rita has this friend...
DOUG
No! I’m not going on any more
double dates with you and Rita and
Rita’s crazy friends.
RICKY
I’ll go.
WARD
They’re not crazy, they’re quirky.
RICKY
I’ll go.
WARD
I don’t see why you can’t do me
this one favor.
DOUG
Ward, if your wife doesn’t like you
hanging out with your single
friends, that’s something you gotta
work out with her. I’m not going
to let you fix me up with some
lunatic just so I’m socially
acceptable to her.
RICKY
Besides, he’s seeing someone right
now.
WARD
Who?
DOUG
Nobody.
WARD
Who?? Who??
DOUG
Nobody!
WARD
Wow. She sounds hot.
RICKY
Her name is Allison-from-work.
WARD
Ouch. You’re dating your co-
workers now?
RICKY
Not all of them. Just the one
girl.
WARD
I dunno, Doug, that’s risky.
RICKY
I give it a week.
DOUG
I’m not dating her.
WARD
But listen, if you’re seeing
someone, I don’t want to stand in
the way of that. I can come back
in a week.
DOUG
I’m not seeing anyone!
WARD
Great. I’ll set it up then.
SFX: CAR HORN HONKING
WARD (cont’d)
Gotta go.
DOUG
Wait, Ward, no!
BUT WARD IS ALREADY GONE.
RICKY
Y’know, you wouldn’t have this
problem, if you’d asked Allison
out.
ON DOUG’S REACTION.
WHIP PAN TO: