INT. X-CORP CORPORATE HEADQUARTERS, CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY
DOUG LIMPS INTO THE CONFERENCE ROOM AND TAKES A SEAT NEXT
TO ALLISON. (NOW THAT WE SEE HER IN PERSON, ALLISON
REALLY IS KIND OF HOT - IN A SMART, CAPABLE, SEXY SORT OF
WAY.)
DOUG
Hi.
ALLISON
I thought you were off today.
DOUG
They called me in for the big
meeting.
OTHER EMPLOYEES FILE INTO THE CONFERENCE ROOM, SOME OF
THEM WITH BROKEN ARMS AND LEGS.
DOUG (cont’d)
So what’s going on?
ALLISON
I don’t know. Alex has some big
announcement. How’s your leg?
DOUG
Good. Y’know, broken.
ALEX LEXOR SWOOPS IN AND A HUSH FALLS OVER THE ROOM. HE
IS THE PRESIDENT OF X-CORP INCORPORATED, AND HE LOOKS
LIKE HE JUST GOT BACK FROM VACATION: HAWAIIAN SHIRT,
PANAMA HAT, SAINT-TROPEZ TAN.
ALEX
Good morning, everyone.
EVERYONE
Good morning, Mr. Lexor.
ALEX
As you are all aware, this weekend,
Douglas here broke his foot in a
bizarre snowboarding accident. As
did Meyers last week, and Mathis
the week before. And this morning
Twan twisted her wrist. That’s
hard to say. Bettis sprained an
ankle testing the new razor
scooter. And Casey Tate-Macy, may
she rest in peace...
CASEY TATE-MACY
I’m right here.
ALEX
Ah! Well, good, at least we don’t
have to recall those bungee cords.
But the good news about Tate-Macy
aside, I don’t mind telling you
that I find these injuries deeply
disturbing.
Especially you, Bettis, it’s a
scooter, for Christ’s sake.
BETTIS BLUSHES.
ALEX
In fact, I’m starting to think some
of you just don’t have what it
takes to make it in the extreme
sports industry.
EVERYONE LOOKS SHAME-FACED. DOUG RAISES HIS HAND.
DOUG
Excuse me, Mr. Lexor...
ALEX
Yes, Douglas?
EVERYONE SHAKES THEIR HEAD AT DOUG, AS IF TO SAY: “DON’T
DO IT, MAN! YOU’LL GET US ALL KILLED!!”
DOUG
With all due respect, sir, when I
joined this company, I was an X-ray
technician. Because that’s what we
sold. X-ray equipment. Then one
day, you came back from vacation,
called a staff meeting and told us
that from that day forward the X in
X-corp stood for Xtreme sports. So
if you think some of us aren’t cut
out for this line of work, maybe
that’s because... uh, because we’re
not.
ALEX
I want all of you to take a good
look at Douglas. This is a man who
knows whereof he speaks. It was
foolish of me to think I could turn
a bunch of radiologists into rad
shredders overnight. A business is
like a woman, people. Like dating
a beautiful woman. You have to be
patient. Confident. And you have
to have a lot of money. But if you
give it your best shot and really
put yourself out there, and you
still don’t see a return on your
investment? Well, then it’s time
to chuck it and get a new woman.
So as of this moment X-corp is no
longer in the Xtreme sports
business.
EVERYONE BREATHES A SIGH OF RELIEF.
ALEX (cont’d)
No, from this day forward the X in
X-corp stands for EXOTIC PETS!
AT ALEX’S SIGNAL, A DOOR SLIDES OPEN AND SUDDENLY THE
CONFERENCE ROOM IS FILLED WITH ALBINO TIGERS AND TOUCANS.
ALEX (CONT'D)
Don’t be afraid, people. They
won’t hurt you unless they smell
your fear. No sudden moves,
Bettis.
ONE OF THE TIGERS LEAPS UP ON DOUG’S LAP AND LICKS HIS
FACE.
ALEX (CONT'D)
I want marketing demographics by
the end of the day and tech support
first thing in the morning. And
we’re going to need fresh ideas on
packaging, people. The rest of
you, take one home, get to know
your product, get to love your
product. We’ve got work to do,
people! Meeting adjourned.
ALEX SWOOPS OUT OF THE ROOM AND THE STUNNED EMPLOYEES
FILE OUT AFTER HIM. SOME OF THEM GLARE AT DOUG AND
MUTTER “THANKS A LOT”. ALLISON GETS UP TO LEAVE.
DOUG
Um, Allison?
ALLISON
Yes?
DOUG CHICKENS OUT.
DOUG
Never mind.
ALLISON
Okay. (SHE TURNS TO GO)
DOUG CHICKENS BACK IN.
DOUG
Wait, Allison?
ALLISON
Yes?
DOUG
I know this is probably gonna sound
crazy. And try not to let the
tiger in my pants sway you in any
way. But do you think we could get
together sometime outside of work?
ALLISON
Outside the building?
DOUG
No, I mean-- Well, yes, but I mean
outside of this whole being-at-work
and being co-workers thing with the
tigers and the toucans, and you
don’t have to decide right now, but
maybe I could call you tonight?
And we could get together and work
out something not related to work,
to do, and maybe do that, and see
if, y’know one thing leads to
another, or not, and maybe, I
dunno, who knows? ...is what I was
thinking.
ALLISON JUST STARES AT HIM. DOUG STARTS TO FEEL SELF-
CONSCIOUS. THEN SHE SMILES.
ALLISON
That isn’t crazy.
ALLISON GOES OUT.
DOUG
Yesss!
THE TIGER GROWLS.
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