INT. DOUG’S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
DOUG
And then she goes “That isn’t
crazy.”
RICKY
Yesss!
THE TIGER GROWLS.
RICKY (CONT'D)
Thank you! Thank you! I will
never forget this.
RICKY STARTS TAKING OFF HIS HOT DOG COSTUME.
DOUG
Ricky, I didn’t do it for you.
RICKY
No, I understand, I’m on my own
from here on out. You won’t have
to lift a finger.
DOUG
No, you’re not listening.
RICKY
I got it, really.
RICKY TAKES OUT A LITTLE RED HATCHET AND STARTS CHOPPING
THE HOT DOG SUIT INTO SMALLER PIECES.
DOUG
What are you doing?
RICKY
Didn’t I tell you? I took your
advice and quit my job.
DOUG
That wasn’t my advice.
RICKY
No, you were right, being fast food
just doesn’t challenge me as an
artist. I need a role with some
meat. Something I can sink my
teeth into.
DOUG
Are you listening to yourself?
RICKY
So I called in sick this morning
and I spent the whole day going on
auditions. Well, part of the day.
Well, 3:05 to 3:10.
DOUG
You went on one audition?
RICKY
But I feel really good about this
one.
DOUG
Ricky...
RICKY
No need to thank me.
DOUG
I wasn’t going to thank you.
RICKY
I should be thanking you. It’s
like you said: No risk, no reward.
DOUG
Yeah, but you’re risking your
ability to pay the rent.
RICKY
You’re not looking at the big
picture here.
DOUG
In the big picture, I see you
living in a cardboard box. While I
look for a smaller apartment.
RICKY
No, I was thinking you’d let me
sleep on your couch.
RICKY STARTS STUFFING THE HOT DOG PIECES INTO A GARBAGE
BAG.
DOUG
Aren’t they going to want that
back?
RICKY LOOKS AT THE CHOPPED UP HOT DOG SUIT.
RICKY
Hmm. I hadn’t thought of that.
(BEAT) Do we have any duct tape?
DOUG
In the kitchen.
RICKY
Y’see? Ask and ye shall receive.
(GOES TO THE KITCHEN) It’s just
like with you and Allison.
DOUG
Right. Except with no
similarities.
RICKY
Sure there are. This is all about
grabbing the bull by the horns,
Doug. My bull is my acting career.
And the horns are these auditions I
have to go on. And if I get the
part, that’ll be, like, the feet.
RICKY COMES BACK AND STARTS DUCT TAPING THE SUIT BACK
TOGETHER.
RICKY (cont’d)
And your bull is Allison. And the
horns are-- Okay, Allison is your
cow.
DOUG
Please stop.
RICKY
Oh, you know what, though? You’re
gonna have to break this to Ward.
DOUG
Break what to Ward?
RICKY OPENS THE FRONT DOOR JUST AS WARD WAS ABOUT TO
KNOCK.
WARD
Break what to me?
RICKY
Doug finally asked Allison out.
WARD
When?
DOUG
Today at work.
WARD
No, when??
DOUG
I dunno. I have to call her
tonight.
WARD
Nooo! Tonight is Christmas.
DOUG
Tonight is March 3rd.
WARD
No, the girl I told you about. Her
name is Christmas.
DOUG
Ward, I told you no.
WARD
You told me maybe.
DOUG
I said “no”.
WARD
But you meant “maybe”.
DOUG
So you set me up for tonight? You
could have at least called me.
WARD
I did, I left a message.
THEY BOTH LOOK AT RICKY. RICKY GRINS.
RICKY
I wanted it to be a surprise.
WARD
Well, it’s too late to back out
now.
DOUG
Too late?? I just found out about
it.
SFX: CAR HONKING
WARD
All right, fine, but you’re going
to have to explain this to Rita.
DOUG
Me? She’s your wife.
WARD
Exactly. So if you ever want me to
get laid again, you better make it
look like this is all your fault.
WARD GRABS DOUG AND DRAGS HIM TOWARD THE DOOR.
RICKY
Do it, Doug, he’s nicer when he’s
laid.
DOUG
I have to call Allison.
WARD
You can call her from the
restaurant.
DOUG
Ward, no! Ward, I mean it!
WARD
You’re gonna love Christmas, I
think she used to be a stripper.
DOUG
Ricky, watch the cat.
AS DOUG DISAPPEARS OUT THE DOOR, RICKY AND THE TIGER LOOK
AT EACH OTHER. THE TIGER BACKS AWAY SLOWLY.
FADE OUT.
END OF ACT ONE