INT. LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
DOUG COMES IN JUST AS THE DOOR SLAMS SHUT BEHIND HER.
DOUG
Kryssa!
RICKY COMES OUT OF HIS BEDROOM DRESSED LIKE A GIANT
PENIS.
RICKY
Did I hear someone naked in here?
DOUG
What is this?
RICKY
Didn’t I tell you? I got the part.
DOUG
This is the meaty role you were
after?
RICKY
Yeah, but it’s also got substance.
DOUG
Well, don’t get the substance on
anything.
RICKY
It’s an educational show. We go
around to the schools and teach
kids about safe sex. I play the
male lead!
DOUG
Yeah, I know what you do.
RICKY
So what happened in here? I
thought I heard breasts.
DOUG
I’m sorry, I can’t talk to you
while you’re a penis.
RICKY
Aw, c’mon. This’ll be great
practice for when I do my talk-
backs. (IN HIS PENIS VOICE) Why the
long face, little Doug-Doug?
DOUG
Kryssa and I had a fight.
RICKY
Already? Damn, you’re good.
DOUG
She wants to keep a toothbrush
here. I mean, am I out of line
here? Isn’t it a little early for
that?
RICKY
That depends. How many years have
you been married?
DOUG
I met her last night, you idiot.
RICKY
My God! One night and she wants to
destroy your whole way of life?!
DOUG
It’s just a toothbrush.
RICKY
How can you defend this woman?
This is an outrage!
DOUG
Okay, you’re not helping.
RICKY
I can’t talk right now, this is too
traumatic.
DOUG
I’m not saying she might not
eventually need a toothbrush.
RICKY
The sooner the better, actually.
DOUG
But it’s been one day!! How did we
get here already? I wasn’t looking
for a serious...
RICKY
Commitment, just breathe.
DOUG
What about Allison? I’m supposed
to see her tonight.
RICKY
Okay, here’s how you play it. You
call up Allison, say you want to
see her tonight. Then you call
Kryssa, tell her you want to see
her tomorrow. Then you do Allison
the next night, and Kryssa the
next, and so on. You see the
pattern?
DOUG
I can’t date two people at the same
time, Ricky.
RICKY
Exactly. Eventually you’ll slip
up, they’ll find out about each
other, possibly from an anonymous
phone call.
Shock, dismay, broken hearts.
Boom, here I am to pick up the
pieces. You’re out, I’m in.
Problem solved.
DOUG
You are pathological.
RICKY
I can only help you if you let me.
RICKY GOES TO THE FRONT DOOR AND OPENS IT FOR WARD.
WARD
Doug, buddy, thank you! You saved
my marriage.
RICKY
Sounds like somebody else got some
action last night.
WARD
Oh, baby, it was like a
Schwarzanegger movie in my bedroom.
DOUG
We gotta work on your choice of
imagery.
WARD
So how was she, huh? Hot, right?
You’re seeing see her again
tonight, right?
RICKY
Not tonight. Tomorrow.
WARD
I don’t know if I can wait that
long. How ‘bout tonight?
DOUG
Unfortunately, that’s probably not
going to happen.
WARD
What are you talking about? You
didn’t like her?
DOUG
No, I liked her.
WARD
She’s not beautiful?
DOUG
No, she’s gorgeous.
WARD
What then? She’s too frigid? Too
freaky? Too fat?
RICKY
Actually, freaky’s good.
DOUG
No, she’s the exact opposite of all
of those things.
WARD
Then what’s the problem?
RICKY
She wants to keep a toothbrush
here.
WARD
And??
DOUG
It’s a little soon for that, don’t
you think?
WARD
Are you kidding??? It’s a
toothbrush. She’s a goddess. You
make sacrifices. That’s how it
works. The goddess wants a
toothbrush, you give her a
toothbrush and say, “Thank you, and
may I please have warm weather and
a bountiful harvest?”
DOUG
Being married has warped your mind.
WARD
(WHIPPING OUT HIS CELL PHONE) I’m
calling her.
DOUG
Ricky, back me up here.
RICKY
You didn’t tell me she was a
hottie.
WARD
(IN AN ASSUMED VOICE) Hello,
Kryssa’s machine, this is Doug.
Could you please come over tonight.
I really need to see to you.
DOUG
Ward!
RICKY
Doug, do you want to spend your
whole life running away from every
possible relationship? (BEAT)
Because that’s what I suggest.
DOUG
What about Allison?
WARD
What about her?
RICKY
That’s the beauty of your
situation. If this Kryssa chick is
everything you guys say she is,
you’re gonna mess it up way before
Allison loses interest. So you got
a fall back.
WARD
And in the mean time, some of us
get to have sex this week.
WHIP PAN TO: