INT. X-CORP CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY
EMPLOYEES ARE FILING INTO THE CONFERENCE ROOM, LOOKING
MORE BEAT UP THAN THE DAY BEFORE. DOUG TAKES A SEAT NEXT
TO ALLISON.
DOUG
Allison, can I talk to you a
second?
ALLISON
Sure.
JUST THEN, ALEX LEXOR SWOOPS IN. HE LOOKS LIKE HE JUST
GOT BACK FROM A FUNERAL.
ALEX
As you all know, since the
announcement yesterday, work-
related injuries at X-corp have
gone, not down, but up. I blame
myself, really. And the tigers, I
blame them. A business is like a
marriage, people. It’s about
communication.
If one spouse is communicating, the
spouse who owns the business, for
example, and the other spouse, the
one that works for him isn’t
listening, or doesn’t understand
him, or is simply incompetent like
Bettis here.
BETTIS IS COVERED IN CLAW MARKS.
ALEX
Well, that’s a failure on both our
parts. And when that happens
there’s only one thing left to do.
Seek counselling. So I’ve spared
no expense to bring in an expert to
help you, the spouse. (HIS ARM
AROUND A TIGER) Understand us, the
other spouse, a little better.
Steve?
ENTER STEVE IRWIN THE HOST OF “CROCODILE HUNTER”.
CROCODILE HUNTER
G’day mates. I’m so excited to be
here today, because we’re going to
be having a look at one of these
little beauties.
HE POINTS AT A TIGER. THE TIGER SWATS AT HIM.
CROCODILE HUNTER
Oh, she’s a real ripper.
THROUGHOUT THE REST OF THE SCENE, THE CROCODILE HUNTER
WRESTLES WITH THE TIGER ALL AROUND THE CONFERENCE ROOM.
DOUG
(LEANS OVER TO ALLISON) I have to
postpone our date for tonight.
ALLISON
(DISAPPOINTED) Okay.
CROCODILE HUNTER
These Siberians are not native to
Australia, so I’ll be the first to
admit I’m not at all familiar with
this breed.
DOUG
(TO ALLISON) But the thing is: I
have to postpone indefinitely.
ALLISON
(HURT) Oh. Okay.
CROCODILE HUNTER
Let’s have a go, though, shall we?
STEVE LUNGES AT THE TIGER.
DOUG
(TO ALLISON) See, my friend Ward
made me go on a blind date last
night, which I didn’t want to do,
but we don’t get to see Ward very
much any more because of his wife,
so I was really doing it for him, I
guess. But we sort of hit it off.
Me and her. But not really. But
sort of. But now she wants to keep
a toothbrush at my place, which I’m
not sure I agree with, because I
just don’t think this relationship
is going to last that long. But
it’s not fair to her to assume that
it won’t. And it’s not fair to you
either, because what if it does?
And then you’re the other woman.
And you shouldn’t be the other
woman, you should be the woman. So
I think the thing to do is let this
thing with her run its course and
postpone this thing with you and me
until things get less complicated.
ALLISON
(HURT) Okay.
DOUG
If that’s okay with you.
ALLISON
It’s okay.
CROCODILE HUNTER
Look at those powerful jaws. If
she gets a grab on with those
lovelies it’s all over for Rover.
DOUG
(TO ALLISON) I mean, it is, right?
You’re not just saying that.
ALLISON
It’s okay.
DOUG
Okay.
CROCODILE HUNTER
You see the way she’s twitching her
tail at me? That means she’s
agitated.
DOUG
(TO ALLISON) Because I know this is
awkward. And it’s all my fault.
But I don’t want you to take this
as a rejection of you in any way
because I really do like you.
ALLISON
Okay.
CROCODILE HUNTER
When she’s like that, you want to
back away real slow and look for a
stick.
DOUG
Because--
ALLISON
All right, it’s okay! Okay? I
don’t care! Do what you want!
Ask me out and then go and shack up
with some sleaze, and then come in
here and tell me you like me, but
can I wait around indefinitely and
“hey, no hard feelings”. But don’t
expect me to like it, okay? Don’t
expect me to be happy about it.
Don’t expect me to congratulate you
on nailing some skank and then
trampling my feelings with it!
Okay??
ALLISON STORMS OUT AND EVERYONE STOPS AND STARES AT DOUG.
CROCODILE HUNTER
Crikey.
DOUG
(SHEEPISHLY) Well, that went well.
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