ACT ONE
The front porch of Avner Pillicock's
house on Main Street, his front yard,
and the road that runs by it.
Enter ETHAN TOWNSON and EVAN NEWSOME.
ETHAN
See, we jumped that switchback by the ol' tanning
shed, and now we come out on Main Street.
EVAN
I think you got my head all spun 'round, Ethan.
Which way's north?
ETHAN
Look'ee down thataway's the general store by the
river bridge where you come across't.
EVAN
You do know your way around, I'll give you that.
ETHAN
I reckon it comes o' growin' up in a place and bein'
stuck here your whole life an' no way out. If we'd
met across the river in Collard's Green, I betcha
you'd be the one knowin' your hometown like the back
o' your mama's ass.
EVAN
He's a donkey. And are you sure he's gonna be okay
tied up out back o' the general store?
ETHAN
Ain't nobody 'round here gonna mess with a ass they
picked up in a alley. It ain't that kinda town.
EVAN
He's a donkey, I told ya. And are you sayin'
Collard's Green is that kinda town?
ETHAN
Course not. How would I know? I never been there.
I mean, how do I know it ain't?
EVAN
It ain't.
ETHAN
See? You could be right.
Awkward silence. ETHAN points offstage
and up.
ETHAN
Up yonder's ol' Deacon Chickory's shack on top o' Mud
Hill.
EVAN
Looks awful steep.
ETHAN
He don't get out much.
EVAN turns to the porch behind them.
EVAN
And what's this place? Got a real purty portico.
ETHAN
That's Avner Pillicock's spread. You ever heard o'
the Underground Railroad?
EVAN
Heck, yes. Everybody's heard o' that. Just ain't
nobody talks about it.
ETHAN
Well, what they don't say is that 'round these parts,
it runs right through Avner Pillicock's back fruit
cellar.
EVAN
Y'don't say?
ETHAN
No, I do not. And you ain't heard it from me
neither, if'n anybody asks.
EVAN
So that's what a Underground Rail depot looks like.
I hear tell we got one over in Collard's Green, only
ain't nobody admits to knowing where it is.
ETHAN
Well, I don't reckon ol' Avner rightly cares what
anybody thinks of him. He's what you call excentric.
EVAN
How do you mean?
ETHAN
For one thing, he's a bona fide boat captain. Only
ain't no one ever seen him set foot on the sea.
EVAN
Well, they wouldn't 'round here. This whole county's
landlocked, ain't it?
ETHAN
'Cept for the river and it don't go nowhere worth
bein'.
EVAN
How come he ain't a captain in the war?
ETHAN
He ain't that kinda captain.
EVAN
What other kind is there?
ETHAN
Merchant marine.
EVAN
So he likes to shop?
ETHAN
That's about the size of it. They say he got a
boatload o' seamen down around N'Orleans. Makes his
fortune shippin' frilly fabrics to and fro.
What with the blockades and all, he's right popular
with the Southern ladies.
EVAN
He should be. Just thinkin' about all that fabric's
got me wishin' I had a boatload o' seamen.
ETHAN
You wanna meet Cap'n Avner? They say he's always
takin' in new recruits.
EVAN
Nah, I reckon I oughta get on my ass and ride it
home, before dark.
ETHAN
Donkey.
EVAN
Daggit! Now you got me sayin' it.
ETHAN
Aw, don't go so soon. We got the whole day ahead of
us and there's still plenty fun to be had.
EVAN
I reckon, but I'll catch a whuppin' if my momma finds
out I crossed over without tellin' her.
ETHAN
Your momma don't let you come across the river
bridge?
EVAN
Sure, she does. But she's like to expect me to bring
her back a sack o' flour when I do.
ETHAN
Your ma's a baker?
EVAN
And a right good one if she coulda been. But she's
got the rheumatism in her fingers, now, and can't
knead the dough like she used to.
ETHAN
That's a cryin' shame.
EVAN
My daddy used to say before they was married, she had
a pair o' hands could bring a stevedore to tears.
And sometimes just one hand, if she had a mind to.
Whatever that means.
They think about that. They don't know
what it means.
EVAN
Well, thank'ee for showin' me the town.
ETHAN
You think that's somethin'. You oughta come back and
see it at night.
EVAN
Why? Is it all lit up like a Christmas tree?
ETHAN
No, but it's a good sight darker. And folks is less
apt to mind a coupla young fellas strollin' down the
Main Street holdin' hands.
EVAN
Would we be doin' that? Holdin' hands if it was
night?
ETHAN
Stick around to sunset and maybe you'll come to find
out.
EVAN
Well, I suppose if you gonna go twist my arm.
ETHAN twists his arm.
EVAN
Ow! Ow! Leggo! That hurt.
ETHAN
Oh, you love it, and don't fib.
EVAN
See how you like it!
He twists ETHAN's arm.
ETHAN
Ow! Ow!
ETHAN and EVAN fall to rasslin'.
EVAN
I'll show you what I like!
ETHAN
You better not! I ain't dressed for it.
They rassle. Eventually, they tucker
each other out and collapse in one
another's arms.
ETHAN
You know what we got here, Evan?
EVAN
What's that, Ethan?
ETHAN
A love that dare not speak its name.
EVAN
I like the sound o' that.
ETHAN
But you didn't hear it from me.
EVAN
No, ma'am.
ETHAN
So you gonna stay to nightfall?
EVAN
Depends on what-all you got to do around here in
broad daylight.
They look around. There's nothing to
do.
ETHAN
You ever done much whittlin'?
EVAN
Is that how you like to pass the time?
ETHAN
It's one o' life's simple pleasures. A coupla fellas
can spend hours and hours whittlin' the time away.
If you do it right.
EVAN
How do you do it?
ETHAN pulls out a large pocketknife.
EVAN's eyes widen. ETHAN whittles
flirtatiously.
ETHAN
Slow an' easy strokes. You don't wanna go too fast.
You want your twig to last, don'tcha? But not too
slow, neither. You don't want your twig to lose
interest. Here, you wanna try your hand?
EVAN
I think I got the hang of it.
EVAN pulls out an even larger
pocketknife. ETHAN's eyes widen.
ETHAN
Holy Mother Goliath! Would you look at the girth o'
that thing! How'd you come by somethin' so big?
EVAN
Oh this? Runs in the family. It's whatcha call a
hairloom.
ETHAN
You must have pretty good jeans. Otherwise a tool
that size is like to wear a hole in your front
pocket.
EVAN
I reckon good jeans runs in the family, too. My
daddy was a seamstress before he died.
ETHAN
Oh. Did he pass in the war?
EVAN
No, in a bar fight. My ma caught him cattin' around
on her and knocked him upside the head with that
appletini he was drinkin'.
ETHAN
Sorry for your loss.
EVAN
It's all right. I got a good pocketknife out of it.
And he left me a hope chest full o' dress patterns.
ETHAN
Can I have a look at it?
EVAN
You can have a touch, if you lemme see your'n.
They trade pocket knives. They heft
them appreciatively.
ETHAN
It's still kinda warm.
EVAN
Nobody likes a chilly whittler. That's why I always
carry it up front.
ETHAN
Here, pull up a stump, I wanna show you a thing or
two.
EVAN
Not if I show you first...
They sit and whittle seductively.
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