Too Direct is a stunt monologue originally created for Chris Clarke to perform at Sacred Fools Theatre in Los Angeles.

Too Direct

by Jeff Goode

copyright © 2001

Too Direct by Jeff Goode (copyright © 2001)
All rights reserved. This script may not be performed, printed, downloaded or re-transmitted without the author's consent.
Enter Kris, for an audition.

You probably don't remember me.
I mean, of course you don't, why would you?
But I was at a show you did, like, jeez, a year ago.
A friend of mine-- Do you know Casey?

(tiny pause, no response, move on)
Right anyway. It was her idea.
I think she worked on it maybe, or she works here?
(tiny pause)
Never mind, doesn't matter. But so that's why I was here.
And they had that thing afterwards where everybody was just hanging out, and so that's where it was.
(looks uncomfortable)
Can I just--?
(climbs down off the stage)
I hate being onstage.

But I heard you were having auditions and my friends were like "Go, go, you have to do this."
And so I don't know if this is weird or...
No, it is. It's weird, I know. It is, it's weird.
But the thing is-- Can I just say one thing?

(moving a little closer to the director)
I don't know if you remember this, but there was this guy, the lead guy, you were talking to, big guy, I don't know his name.
And I don't know what he said or what you guys were talking about...
But you just went off on him.
You were just "And this, and this, and this, and this!"
And he was like, completely, had no idea.
And everyone was like,
You were just so... Confident.
You were like... on fire with it. It was amazing.
And I was just "Who IS that??"
And I know this is stupid, and I know this isn't what you want to hear right now while you're doing all this, I know you're busy. But I'm not an actor, so I don't know how I'm ever going to even get a chance to even BE here just to say...
(looking the director in the eye)
I would give anything. To be here.
Right now.
Like this.
With you.

(breaking character:)
Hi, my name is Kris and my piece is from "Too Direct".


NOTE: If for some reason the director or anyone else falls for it enough to interrupt or try to speak or answer, simply ad lib something like: "Wait, wait let me just say this, let me just get this out" or "No, I know, but here's the thing" and keep going. NOTE: If you are convincing enough, you probably WILL be interrupted, so be prepared.