copyright © 2005 Jeff Goode

Long & Hard & Full of Seamen

by Jeff Goode

 

(THREE PEOPLE on stage... LIGHTS UP FULL.)

ONE: What’s long and hard and full of seamen?

TWO: Annapolis.

ONE: What?

THREE: The naval academy at Annapolis.

ONE: No.

TWO: It’s full of seamen.

ONE: It’s not hard.

THREE: Have you been to the Naval Academy? It’s hard. Don’t tell me it’s not hard.

TWO: And long.

THREE: Seems like forever.

ONE: It’s a submarine!

TWO: What?

ONE: A submarine.

THREE: Like a sandwich?

TWO: That’s not hard.

THREE: Not if you make ‘em right. Should be soft.

TWO: Especially if it’s full of semen.

THREE: Oh, yeah, a semen sandwich would be totally soggy.

TWO: Hard to eat, I guess. Maybe that’s what you meant. What’s long and hard-to-eat because it’s full of semen?

THREE: A semen sandwich, sure. That makes total sense.

TWO: But, wait, is it supposed to be long to eat, too?

THREE: You mean like, what’s long-and-hard to eat?

TWO: Is that the question?

ONE: No!

THREE: Something you eat with a straw.

TWO: Pizza.

THREE: Yeah! Eating a semen pizza with a straw.

TWO: That would be long and hard.

THREE: Takes forever.

TWO: Not really full of semen, though.

THREE: Yeah, the semen’s kinda sitting on top.

TWO: So maybe a calzone.

THREE: Sperm calzone. Chock full of semen.

TWO: Hard to eat.

THREE: Takes a long time to eat.

TWO: But worth it.

THREE: Really?

TWO: Better be. You know how hard it is to make one of those?

THREE: So it’s hard to make and hard to eat.

TWO: Yet, tender and flaky.

THREE: High in protein.

TWO: So it’s good for you.

THREE: If you’re low in protein.

TWO: Well, you would be by the time you finished making a semen calzone.

THREE: Good point.

TWO: So maybe the question should be: What’s long and hard–

THREE: Yet tender and flaky.

TWO: High in protein.

THREE: Tastes like semen.

TWO: And so difficult to make that you can only get them in the mess hall at Annapolis Naval Academy?

THREE: (shrugs) I dunno.

(They turn to ONE.)

ONE: You guys are unbelievable.

(ONE gets up and storms out.)

THREE: He doesn’t believe us.

TWO: Probably hasn’t tried one.

 

(BLACKOUT)

THIS SCRIPT IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR

First performed at No Shame Los Angeles on March 18, 2005.

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