"SPORT" PHYSICAL ACTIVITY THAT IS GOVERNED BY A SET OF RULES OR CUSTOMS AND OFTEN ENGAGED IN COMPETITIVELY
-- a monologue for one with a chorus of five --
by Jeff Goode
5: The views expressed in this piece do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the actual persons depicted, or of the actors portraying them. Except maybe him. (points at JEFF.)
3: "Sport" Noun Physical activity that is governed by a set of rules or customs and often engaged in competitively.
This is an actual conversation I heard last weekend:
1: Tony Hawk is a fag.
4: No, hes not, hes married.
1: YES, HE IS!! Hes a ball-sucking, ass-taking, skirt-wearing, transvestite-faggot-loving homosexual, end of story!
Thats not what was actually said. Thats what I "heard". The actual conversation went something like this:
1: Skateboarding is not a sport.
4: Sure, it is.
1: NO, ITS NOT!!
And then he called Tony Hawk a fag.
1: A "Sport" is an athletic competition
2: A masculine athletic competition
1: Between two teams
2: Not just a bunch of fags skating around in tights
1: Who are competing preferably head to head
2: So they can "defend"
1: To score points for specific tasks
2: Not just subjective points awarded by fruity judges.
4: Like in boxing?
1: Shut up, Fag!
Dont get me wrong, I love a good beer-scussion as much as the next geek. "Whats your favorite sport?" "I like Cricket!" "Youre kidding, I cant stand cricket. Too confusing. Too British." "Yes, Im kidding!" But I always get nervous, when someone starts talking about what is a sport and whats not a sport, because its only a matter of time before it turns into a discussion of gay marriage.
3: Wait a minute, so youre saying ice skating is not a sport?
1: Ice skating is not a sport.
3: Its in the Olympics.
1: That is the gayest question Ive ever heard.
3: Its not a question. Ice skating is in the Olympics.
2: Ribbon ball dancing is in the Olympics. That doesnt make it a sport.
1: Badminton. Triathlon. Field hockey. Anything a woman can do as well or better than a man is not a sport.
2: Thats just common sense.
3: So, uneven parallel bars is not a sport, but parallel bars is?
1: Well, yes and no. Yes uneven parallel bars is not a sport.
2: Because you rack your balls on the low bar.
1: But, No, Mens Gymnastics is not a sport either because faggots can do it.
3: Now, hold on. Just because someone is gay doesnt mean they cant be a professional athlete.
2: Oh yeah? Name one.
3: Mike Piazza.
Others: (offended:) Ohhh!
1: Mike Piazza
5: 1993 rookie of the year, all-star game MVP, and one-time National League champion, Mike Piazza
1: is not Gay.
3: Thats just what I heard.
5: Mike Piazza, for your information, is a straight guy who makes gay guys suck his dick.
2: And sometimes he gives them a reach around. Because hes a gentleman. (sheepishly:) Or so I have heard.
1: Mike Piazza is not a fag.
5: He plays baseball.
2: Yeah, he plays baseball.
1: Which is a sport.
5: The Sport of Kings. Not queens.
Actually, thats Horseracing. For those of you playing at home. The Sport of Kings? We were looking for Horseracing: "What is Horseracing?" But Im sure youre wondering what all of this has to do with gay marriage.
2: Non-traditional sports, like, uh horse racing
1: Perfect example, horse racing!
2: are not sports.
1: They are "games" or "competitions".
2: Or "competitory exhibitions".
1: Xtreme Sports are not Sports, they are Sportz. With a Z.
5: Like a gay wedding.
1: Yes, gay marriage. Perfect example.
3: Gay Marriage isnt spelled with a Z.
1: That is the gayest question I have ever heard!
3: Its not a question.
2: The only thing gayer would be if you landed a triple axel while axing that question. (pleased with his pun:) Get it? Axel / Axing?
1: Good one!
1+2: (high five each other; ass slap each other)
3: Its not a question! And landing a triple axel is one of the most difficult moves in all of competitive sports. (reluctantly:) With a Z.
1: Look, youre missing the point. I know how to spell Gay Wedding. (correcting:) I mean, I dont, but I know theres no Z.
2: (saving him:) Or maybe there is, how would we know?
5: What he means is: Gay weddings are like Sportz, with a Z. Because you are only allowed to call a gay wedding a wedding if you specify gay wedding.
2: Or spell it with a Z.
5: Or gay marriage.
5: Gay "man".
1: Otherwise you have to call it a civil union.
5: Or a partnership ceremony.
4: Massachusetts Merger
2: Holy Fagrimony.
5: Munching the Marital Carpet
3: Bumping Uglies.
2: Tying the Slip Knot.
5: "Topping" the Agenda.
4: Throwing a June Barbecue with all of your "theatre" friends where only the "tolerant" parents are invited.
1: But its not a "marriage".
2: A Match Made in Frisco.
1: Were done with that.
But we were talking about Sports
5: A marriage is a union of 2 people a man and a woman.
You see, any time you start defining something as vague and general as Sports
1: Bound together in a holy ceremony presided over by a religious clergyman of either Judeo-Christian or Jewish faith.
2: Or on a boat.
4: I think theyre the same thing.
2: Jews and boats?
Youre not really talking about definitions.
5: One of them should be dressed in white, and the other one should be wearing a suit.
Youre talking about your impressions.
2: And there should be flowers and cake.
5: And a honeymoon.
4: Always a honeymoon, thats part of it.
What pops into your mind when someone says "Sports"?
1: Rugged. Manly.
4: And theres a ball. Always a ball.
5: And someone says (like Play Ball!:) "Kiss the Bride!"
4: Doesnt matter what kind, but theres always a ball.
5: And a reception afterwards.
2: Or a tailgate party!
5: And the chicken dance!
2: (sings:) Take me out to the ball game! continues
4-5-1: (dancing:) Chicken chicken chicken dance. Chicken chicken chicken dance. Chicken chicken chicken dance. Quack quack quack quack.
But theres no "definition" of sports. I mean, there is, but I dont think you want to go there.
1-4: No, I dontWell, no, I doWell, no, I dont
2-5: No, I doWell, no, I dontWell, no I do
Do you want to know what the definitive sport is? The one thing thats been a Sport for as long as Sports were Sports?
ALL: No. What? Maybe. What?
Hunting was a noble sport before baseball, basketball, football and hockey were even invented. And no one has ever questioned that. No one says, "Ooh, I dunno Hunting. I dunno if Id define that as a sport." It has no scoring. No athleticism. And no clear winner. Yet hunting is the very definition of Sport. Hunting is sporting. Hunters are sportsmen. Always have been.
2: Always will be! Booyah!
When Soccer was sucking its mommys teat, Hunting was already a sport.
1: Okay, hunting (reluctantly:) and horseracing and football baseball basketball hockey, are sports. But thats it.
5: What about weight lifting?
But you see, when youre out with your friends, and youre having a light-hearted beer-scussion about
4: Whats more fun to watch, Greco-Roman wrestling, or womens basketball?
Others: (good question:) Ahhh !
and you suddenly start talking about definitions. Youre not really defining. Youre debating.
2: I was on the debate team in high school.
And Definitions are a time-honored strategy for cheating at debate. Because if you can trick your opponent into letting you define the terms, theyre never allowed to disagree with you again. For example
4: Okay, what about bowling?
1: Its not a sport because its not athletic.
4: They have to whip a 16 pound ball down an alley in a straight line. You dont think that requires strength, agility and dexterity?
1: In one arm. But you dont have to be in shape. You can be a fat bastard and be a good bowler.
4: Babe Ruth was a fat bastard, are you saying Baseball isnt a sport?
5: Whoa whoa whoa! Are you saying Babe Ruth the greatest athlete who ever lived
2: Whoa whoa whoa! Michael Jordan was the greatest athlete who ever lived.
4: Whoa whoa whoa! Wayne Gretzky.
1: Whoa whoa! O.J. Simpson.
2: O.J. Simpson?
1: Because he got to kill people.
2: Yeah, that is pretty great.
3: Rudy Galindo.
Others: (they just shake their heads in disgust:) Oy
2: Okay, look, theres only one way to settle the argument of who the all-time greatest sports hero who ever lived was, and thats with a round of beers and a free and open debate.
Others: Hear! Hear!
2: (slyly, as he hands out beers:) But first, we have to come up with a definition of what we mean by Sports.
Others: Hear! Hear! (then, thinking:) Hmm
2: Ooh! I got one!
1: Lets hear it!
2: Sports are
Others: (uh huh)
2: and things that are similar to basketball.
Others: (yeah, okay, sounds good)
2: So the all-time greatest sports hero who ever lived is
ALL: Michael Jordan!
Others: (Of course, naturally, yeah, uh huh, sure, yep.)
1: But O.J.s a close second. (ad lib:) I mean, think about it etc.
4: And Gretzky! (ad lib:) I mean, cmon, Michael Jordan - Wayne Gretzky. Come on! etc.
5: (ad lib:) I still say Babe Ruth is right up there with Michael
3: (aside to audience:) My favorite sports hero growing up was figure skater Rudy Galindo. He was courageous. He was flamboyant. He took risks just walking down the street that no Cy Young Winner - except Gaylord Perry - ever had to face on his way to the ball park. Mark McGwire didnt have to worry about his batting average going down when the judges found out he was gay. Rudy had to skate twice as hard as everyone else just to get the same scores. That took guts. And he did it with style. Maybe its not your style. Maybe its not my style. But its definitely style. He was like Mark "the Bird" Fidrych on ice skates. He was like Dennis "The Worm" Rodman, only not an asshole. My greatest sports hero is Rudy Galindo. But hes not a sports hero. Because its not a sport. So now I will go back into my closet. And run myself a nice warm bubble bath. And slit my wrists. Thank you, good night. (exits out the vom.)
When people try to win a debate by redefining whos allowed to take part in the discussion
5: Babe Ruth!
4: Satchel Paige!
5: You cannot compare the two.
4: Why? Because Satchel was a pitcher?
5: No, now, lets be clear here. Theres baseball. And theres Negro Baseball. Theyre not the same.
4: Sure, they are. Theyre exactly the same.
5: No, theyre not! Yes, Satchel Paige may well have been the greatest player in the entire history of "gay" baseball.
4: Negro baseball.
5: Sorry, Negro baseball.
4: Now youre trying to compare gays and negroes!
5: No, Im not, Im just saying that playing baseball "that way" isnt the same as playing baseball.
4: Yes, it is! Its exactly the same! They play by the same rules. They use the same bats, the same balls. Theyre played in the same stadiums.
1: I dont think they should be called "stadiums"
4: Why not?
When they start coming up with new definitions of old words that conveniently fit their new definition of traditional values
1: Im not saying they cant have a stadium. They just cant call it a stadium.
2: What do you want them to call it?
1: How about a "civil union"
2: Ooh, I like the sound of that. (to 4:) You can play ball in a "civil union".
1: But dont call it "baseball"
5: It destroys the sanctity of real baseball.
2: Yknow, I think we need a constitutional amendment.
1: Baseball is the National pastime, after all.
5: It would be un-American not to protect it from the gay terrorist threat.
5: What did you call me?
4: The Negro terrorist threat! Oh, never mind. (storms out.)
5: What is his problem?
1: Jesus, I dont know. We gave him a civil union to play around in.
Well, - thats when - it kinda makes me want to take my ball and go home. (exits.)
(SLOW FADE TO BLACK)
(NOTE: they will continue to talk. Ignore them. The piece is already over.)
5: How bout Indy car racing?
1: It was a sport, till they let that girl almost win it.
2: Oh, I know. How gay is that?
5: Seriously, wheres the sanctity?
1: Now NASCAR, thats a sport.
2: Booyah! What about cock fightin?
5: Yeah, baby!
First performed at No Shame Los Angeles on June 10, 2005.