September 21st Changed Everything
(clears his throat)
(with great gravity)
September 21st changed everything.
Not September 21st. September 11th.
September 21st is my birthday.
September 21st changed everything for me personally.
If it werent for September 21st I wouldnt be here.
There is no more important day, in history, than September 21st.
September 21st means so much to me that every year I throw it a birthday party, just to celebrate.
But if there was one day I could throw a birthday party for -
Other than September 21st -
It would be September 11th 2000-something.
Maybe not a "clowns & balloons" birthday party.
But, like, a serious birthday party.
Like a national holiday.
Because September 11th
I will never forget that day. 2001, I think.
Is that right?
Cuz it was after Y2K.
But then I got married in 2004, so it was before that.
But not right before.
So maybe 2002.
(becoming frustrated with himself)
But thats not the point.
The point is
that before September 11th, in whatever year it was,
Things were different.
My new boss at work is a jerk.
Not everyone knows this, but
Hes embezzling money from the company.
The way he does it is with travel expenses.
Because sometimes he doesnt even have a receipt.
Hell just write "50 dollars" on a bar napkin and then I have to reimburse him for it.
And sometimes I recognize the name on the napkin, and its, like, the Mexican restaurant at the Denver Airport or the Starbucks at Chicago OHare.
So, basically, hes grabbing a couple napkins at the airport on the way home and claiming it was dinner with a client.
And Im the one who has to sign off on his expenses
So if he ever gets caught, Im going down with him!
Im going to end up in jail because of this prick.
So I joined a gym.
Before September 11th, I probably would have confronted him.
I would have filed a report.
I would have turned him in, and he would be doing time right now.
And I dont care if that makes me look like a bad guy, I would have turned him in, I would have testified against him, and problem solved, end of story. Let the chips fall where they may.
But on September 11th
A bunch of Saudis and Yemenis hijacked a bunch of planes
and flew them into the World Trade Center.
And I dont know about you,
But me and the rest of America were pissed off.
And there was nothing we could do about it
Because the guys who did it were dead
And the guy who planned it was living in a cave in Abu Ghraib or some shit.
So I borrowed my girlfriends key card
And I went down to the gym
And I beat the hell out of the punching bag for about 2 hours.
Just to blow off some steam.
And I felt better
Id picture those Yemeni terrorists every time I hit the bag
Or one of the Saudi terrorists
And then every half hour Id switch over
And speed-bag it on Osama bin Laden for awhile.
And then back to the big bag to do the Saudis and Yemenis again.
By the time I got done
My fists were bloody
But I felt good.
I know that sounds crazy with the whole world falling apart around me,
But I felt good.
It felt like I was doing something.
Even if it was just in my girlfriends gym.
Not just sittin at home waiting for my problems to solve themselves.
So after that I got my own card.
And now any time my boss does something to piss me off
I dont even waste time talking to him about it.
I go down to the gym and take it out on the bag. Blow off steam.
And I know Im not fighting corruption or corporate malfeasance.
But it feels like I am.
And some days - when my boss isnt being such a prick. Or hes out of town I go down to the gym and fight terrorism instead.
Next week Im going to take up boxing.
I bet itll feel good to punch a real person for a change.
I may not be very good at first.
But if they pair me with somebody who happens to look like my boss
That guy is in for a world of hurt.
And if he looks like some kind of Arab
That fucker is dead.
First performed at No Shame Roanoke on March 24, 2006.