REPORTER
Hello! I’m [name of reporter] and I’m here with Wolfgang Priklopil, the Aust-rian pedophile who kidnapped young Natascha Kampusch when she was 10 years old, and kept her imprisoned in his basement for 8 years.

PRIKLOPIL
Allegedly.

REPORTER
And when she finally escaped, he threw himself in front of a train.

PRIKLOPIL
I did what?

REPORTER
The time is August 23^rd, 2006. And this is… THAT MOMENT IN HISTORY.
(to Priklopil:)

So tell us, Mr. Priklopil: What made you do it? Why kidnap an innocent little girl, and hold her hostage for so many years?

PRIKLOPIL
Well, (name of reporter), I am a very passionate man, as you can imagine. And the thing I am most passionate about is regime change in Iraq. In fact, most people don’t know this, but I was committed to removing Saddam Hussein from power long before your President Bush was even elected.

REPORTER
Hold on. What does victimizing a 10-year old girl have to do with removing Saddam Hussein from power?

PRIKLOPIL
Is Saddam Hussein in power?

REPORTER
No.

PRIKLOPIL
Then don’t ask stupid questions.

REPORTER
So, after you succeeded in removing Saddam Hussein, why didn’t you let Natascha go?

PRIKLOPIL
Ah. That you can blame on the Iraqi insurgency.

REPORTER
The Iraqi insurgency?!

PRIKLOPIL
You see, I was not only holding Natascha Kampusch as my prisoner. I was also having sex with her.

REPORTER
You were raping her.

PRIKLOPIL
That depends on who you ask. If you talk to her, I’m sure she describes it as rape. I, on the other hand, was having a very pleasant time, and do not consider it rape at all.

REPORTER
What does this have to do with the Iraqi insurgency?

PRIKLOPIL
Well, you must understand, I wanted to let her go — my mission was accomplished — but the Iraqi insurgency: No one could have anticipated that. The situation in Iraq very quickly became a complete disaster. And the longer the US military stays there, the situation is not improving. It becomes worse and worse and worse.

But at the same time. Pulling the military out of Iraq would also be disastrous. So, your President finds himself in a situation that is very similar to my own.

REPORTER
How do you figure?

PRIKLOPIL
Well, try to imagine. I want to put an end to terrorism as much as anyone. But no matter how many times I have sex with Natascha. No matter how many years I keep her imprisoned in my basement. It did not bring us any closer to winning the War on terror. The situation in Iraq is a complete disaster.

On the other hand. If I stop having sex with Ms. Kampusch, the situation would also be a disaster.

It seems like no matter what I do, we have a disaster in Iraq. So what else can I do? I had no choice but to stay the course.

REPORTER
I hate to admit it, but that sounds almost exactly like the situation President Bush finds himself in.

PRIKLOPIL
But then, this morning while I was cleaning the car, it suddenly hit me, I realized: No matter what I do to Ms. Kampusch, we still have a disaster in Iraq. I can have sex with her, I can not have sex with her, we still have a disaster. My actions do not change that. And once I stopped thinking of myself as the solution to Iraq’s problems, it became very obvious what is the right thing to do, and what is the wrong thing.

REPORTER
So what did you do?

PRIKLOPIL
This morning, after she finished cleaning the car, I let Ms Kampusch go free.
And now I will throw myself in front of a train.

REPORTER
So, if I understand you correctly, you are saying that obviously the right thing for the President Bush to do in this situation would be to let the military to leave Iraq?

PRIKLOPIL
No. …But he should seriously consider throwing himself in front of a train.

REPORTER
This is (name of reporter) with Wolfgang Priklopil, and this was That Moment In History.

PRIKLOPIL
Hi, Natascha!

REPORTER
Don’t you have a train to catch?

First performed at No Shame Los Angeles on September 15, 2006.

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