copyright © 2007 Jeff Goode

The True Meaning of Passover
by Jeff Goode

(Lights up on: PAPA and BENJAMIN)

BENJAMIN: Papa?

PAPA: Yes, Benjamin?

BENJAMIN: What is the true meaning of Passover?

PAPA: Well, my son, it all started many, many years ago, in the ancient land of Egypt…

(Lights up on: Ancient Jewish couple, JOSEPH and ESTHER with a bucket of blood, frantically marking their doorsill.)

ESTHER: Hurry up! It’s almost sunset.

JOSEPH: God, I hope this works.

ESTHER: What about the window? Should we put blood on that, too?

JOSEPH: Moses didn’t say anything about the window.

(Suddenly, they hear HORRIBLE SCREAMING offstage)

ESTHER: What’s that??

JOSEPH: (looking out the front door) It’s the Angel of the Lord! He’s killing everybody.

ESTHER: Not everybody. Just the firstborns.

JOSEPH: I’m a first born.

ESTHER: I know. I’m sorry.

JOSEPH: Get the fucking window!

(There is a KNOCK at the door.)

ESTHER: Somebody’s at the door.

JOSEPH: I’m not here.

(ESTHER goes to the door and peers out.)

ESTHER: It’s your boss, Mr. Osiris.

(JOSEPH goes to the door, lets OSIRIS in.)

JOSEPH: Mr. Osiris? What are you doing here?

OSIRIS: Oh God, Joseph, it’s horrible! My best cow! My best goat! My finest ass! They’re all dead!

JOSEPH: What about your first born son?

OSIRIS: Oh God, I can’t even think about that!

ESTHER: Angel of the Lord got him, too?

OSIRIS: It came right through the front door, grabbed my boy out of his crib and eviscerated him right in front of me and the wife!

JOSEPH: My God! What did you do?

OSIRIS: I got the netherworld out of there, are you kidding me? My baby’s blood is all over the living room.

JOSEPH: That’s awful.

OSIRIS: It was a fucking nightmare, are you kidding?

(There’s another KNOCK at the door.)

ESTHER: Who is it?

ANGEL: (offstage) Angel of the Lord.

OSIRIS: What’s he doing here?!

JOSEPH: He must have followed you! Oh, God, I hope he followed you.

OSIRIS: There’s nobody home!

(ANGEL OF THE LORD comes in, anyway.)

ANGEL: Which one of you is Osiris?

(OSIRIS and JOSEPH point at each other.)

OSIRIS / JOSEPH: He is! / He is!

JOSEPH: Hey!

ANGEL: And which one of you put the blood over the door?

(OSIRIS points at JOSEPH. As does JOSEPH.)

OSIRIS / JOSEPH: He did! / I did!

OSIRIS: What? No, I did!

ANGEL: Too slow, first born.

(ANGEL stalks toward OSIRIS.)

OSIRIS: First born? But I had three older sisters. You know what it’s like growing up with three older sisters?!

ANGEL: Yeah, this has really gotta suck for you.

(ANGEL rips his guts out.)

ESTHER: Oh! My! God!

(ANGEL turns toward JOSEPH.)

JOSEPH: Oh my god oh my god oh my god.

ANGEL: No, you’re cool, I saw the blood.

(ANGEL heads for the door.)

ANGEL: Happy Passover, everybody! See you next year!

(OSIRIS is still twitching on the floor a little.)

JOSEPH: …Holy shit!

(Lights fade on JOSEPH and ESTHER)

BENJAMIN: …Holy shit!

PAPA: That’s right. And don’t you forget it.

(END OF PLAY)
THIS SCRIPT IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR

First performed at No Shame Los Angeles on April 6, 2007.

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