Nothing
by Jeff Goode
copyright © 2010

SOMETHING
What are you doing?

NOTHING
Nothing.

SOMETHING
How do you know when you're done?

NOTHING
What makes you think I want to be done?

SOMETHING
You want to keep doing it?

NOTHING
Yep.

SOMETHING
You want to keep doing nothing?

NOTHING
Totally.

SOMETHING
Why?

NOTHING
Because I'm good at it.

SOMETHING
You're good at nothing?

NOTHING
That's what my mom always told me.

SOMETHING
Are you sure she didn't say you were "good for nothing"?

NOTHING
She might have said that.

SOMETHING
Well, she would know.

NOTHING
Totally.

SOMETHING
So that's all you're going to do from now on? Nothing?

NOTHING
As long as they'll have me.

SOMETHING
Well, your mom would be proud.

NOTHING
I'm thinking of going professional.

SOMETHING
Wait. You can get paid for that?

NOTHING
Well, not yet. But this is obviously a growth industry.

SOMETHING
It is?

NOTHING
Mostly for the holidays at first.

SOMETHING
"Nothing" is seasonal work?

NOTHING
And birthdays.

SOMETHING
Who's gonna want nothing for their birthday?

NOTHING
Oh, come on! How many times have you heard this: "What do you get for the man who has everything?"

SOMETHING
Nothing?

NOTHING
That's right. And once I corner the "man who has everything" market, then we branch out and do a chain of high-end boutiques, hit the ladies market.

SOMETHING
I dunno. I don't think the woman who has everything is gonna want nothing. No matter what the occasion.

NOTHING
No, but she's not the key demographic.

SOMETHING
She's not?

NOTHING
No. It's the women who don't have everything who are the real target. Because once they think the woman who has everything wants nothing, then they'll want it, too. And then I'll really be making the big bucks.

SOMETHING
Hmm…

NOTHING
Take the company public. Buy a bigger office. Hire some interns to handle the day to day.

SOMETHING
And then what?

NOTHING
What do you mean?

SOMETHING
Well, once you've got interns doing nothing for you, there won't be anything left for you to do.

NOTHING
I hadn't thought of that.

SOMETHING
You'll be stuck in your great big office with nothing to do all day because everyone else is already doing nothing for you.

NOTHING
I guess I could retire.

SOMETHING
And do what?

NOTHING
Nothing?

SOMETHING
Exactly! The same thing you were doing before you quit. You'll turn into one of those obsessive-compulsive workaholics who can never stop doing their job, even after the company's gone under and they're way too old to do it competently. You'll be volunteering at Goodwill to do nothing on weekends, or out on the streets panhandling with a big sign that says "Will do nothing for food".

NOTHING
Oh my God.

SOMETHING
Is that how you want to end up?

NOTHING
No. Heck, no! That's it, I quit!

(storms out)

First performed at No Shame Roanoke's No-Shame-in-the-Afternoon at the Roanoke Public Library on August 4, 2010.

SOMETHING ... Kasha Tutaj
NOTHING ... Jeff Goode

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