Still So Much To Say
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ROGER. I'm gay! Okay, there I said it I'm gay! And not just a little gay like Tony, I'm full-blown, Judy Garland, Liberace, Larry-Craig-when-he's-not-in-Idaho, Tom-Cruise-but-we're-not-supposed-to-say-Tom-Cruise, half-the-National-Football-League, screaming queen, Billy Jean King, hoooo-OOOO-o-OOOOO-oo-mosexual. And I know how you feel about gay people, and I don't care. And neither do the other gay people! We're too busy getting screwed over by everybody else in this God-bless-it seriously-closeted country to worry about what you're mumbling about us under your breath, because you're too much of a sissy to come out and say it to our face! No pun intended. Yes, pun intended!
And I'm dropping out of college! And I know what it's costing you to pay out-of-state tuition to send me to Princeton, but I don't care! Because I was never going to be able to get a job and pay you back anyway, because I majored in Women's Studies! That's right, Women's Studies! I mean, seriously, what was I thinking? Do you know how much those dykes hated me?! I was just pissing away your money in those classes. I only went to Princeton because I wanted to meet Prince and I thought he taught there. So don't even try to act disappointed in me, because you don't know the meaning of disappointment until you've sat through a whole semester of Comparative Elementary Psychology trying to find the deeper meaning in "Let's Go Crazy" off the 1984 album "Purple Rain".
And I'm adopted! I bet you didn't know that. But Mom told me two weeks ago. Not this bitch, but my real Mom. My biological mother. She showed up at my dorm last semester in a urine-soaked trenchcoat, begging for spare change outside the laundry room, and I told her "Go get a job", just like you always taught us. But when I tried to walk away, she told me she was my birth mother, and I believed her, and I gave her all those credit cards you co-signed for me, and told her my PIN number. And she was so grateful she offered to blow me right there in the laundry room. My own mother! And you know what I said to her? I told her, "No, thanks, lady, I'm gay!"(IF YOU REACH THE END... go back to the BEGINNING OF YOUR MONOLOGUE and start over.)