THE PORTRAIT OF THE VIRGIN MARY FEEDING THE DINOSAURS BY JEFF GOODE IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL, AND MAY NOT BE PERFORMED, DOWNLOADED, OR RE-TRANSMITTED WITHOUT THE AUTHOR'S CONSENT.
(Jesus sitting on a rock, playing his guitar.)

JESUS
Mary had a little lamb.
Little lamb. Little lamb.
Mary had a little lamb, his fleece was white as snow.
(He sits for a while. He looks at his watch.)

(pause)

(enter Mephistopheles, in a foul temper)

JESUS
You're late.

MEPHISTOPHELES
Blow me, Jew-boy.

JESUS
That's it, I'm leaving.
(Jesus walks out.)

MEPHISTOPHELES
Wait wait wait wait!
(Mephistopheles runs out after him. He reenters with Jesus.)
Come on, I had a bad morning. Do you want to do this or not?

JESUS
Okay.

MEPHISTOPHELES
Okay, are we calm now?

JESUS
Get on with it.

MEPHISTOPHELES
I'm not gonna start if you're gonna be testy.

JESUS
(pause)
I'm sorry.

MEPHISTOPHELES
Okay.
The Temptation of Christ
...So what do you want to do?

JESUS
I dunno. What do you want to do?

MEPHISTOPHELES
Let's go grab some brewskis, watch some football.

JESUS
Sounds tempting, but no.

MEPHISTOPHELES
Come on...

JESUS
No.

MEPHISTOPHELES
What do you mean, "no"? Come on, I'll buy, whaddaya got to lose?

JESUS
Thank you, but I really don't think I should drink.

MEPHISTOPHELES
It's not like it's a sin.

JESUS
I know that.

MEPHISTOPHELES
Well, come on, one beer.

JESUS
No.

MEPHISTOPHELES
Come on, you pansy, what are you afraid of?

JESUS
I don't want a beer.

MEPHISTOPHELES
You fuckin' lightweight!!

JESUS
Is this going to be temptation, or just verbal harassment? 'Cause I can get that at home...

MEPHISTOPHELES
Well, what is this? How am I supposed to have a chance if you're going to take this Puritanical attitude about drinking? Next thing you know, you'll be telling me you don't like rap music.

JESUS
I'm not trying to be Puritanical about anything. You were an hour and a half late and I had a bottle of wine while I was waiting. And I don't want to mix.

MEPHISTOPHELES
Oh.

JESUS
Besides, your body is your temple.

MEPHISTOPHELES
Well, okay, let's do something else.

JESUS
Fine, let's do something else.

MEPHISTOPHELES
...What do you wanna do?

JESUS
I dunno. What do you want to do?

MEPHISTOPHELES
Oh, I know!

JESUS
What?

MEPHISTOPHELES
Let's hot wire a car. Go for a ride.

JESUS
Nope.

MEPHISTOPHELES
It'll be fun.

JESUS
Thou shalt not steal.

MEPHISTOPHELES
Oh.
...right. Shit.

JESUS
That was too easy.

MEPHISTOPHELES
Gimme a break, I'm just getting warmed up.
(thinks)
I know, we could blow up a church.

JESUS
Are you kidding?

MEPHISTOPHELES
Did I say "church"? I meant an abortion clinic.

JESUS
You want to bomb an abortion clinic?

MEPHISTOPHELES
Sure, why not?

JESUS
Thou shalt not kill.

MEPHISTOPHELES
What if we didn't kill anyone?

JESUS
With a bomb?

MEPHISTOPHELES
We can wait till everyone goes home for the night.

JESUS
Hmm.

MEPHISTOPHELES
You can't pass this up.

JESUS
Let me ask you something.

MEPHISTOPHELES
What?

JESUS
Suppose you owned an abortion clinic.

MEPHISTOPHELES
Uh huh.

JESUS
What would you do with it?

MEPHISTOPHELES
Oh, I don't know...

JESUS
Just the first thing that comes to mind.

MEPHISTOPHELES
Um...

JESUS
Would you bomb it?

MEPHISTOPHELES
Bomb it?

JESUS
Would you blow it up?

MEPHISTOPHELES
Hell no!

JESUS
Y'see?

MEPHISTOPHELES
No. What's your point?

JESUS
You wouldn't want someone to blow up your clinic if you had one, so you shouldn't blow up someone else's. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

MEPHISTOPHELES
Oh.
Waitaminute, I've never heard that before.

JESUS
I made it up.

MEPHISTOPHELES
You can't do that.

JESUS
I just did.

MEPHISTOPHELES
That's not fair!

JESUS
Are you about done? I'm already an hour and a half behind schedule.

MEPHISTOPHELES
Okay, okay, I got it. I know what you wanna do. Let's go beat up some homos.

JESUS
Do unto others.

MEPHISTOPHELES
That's not in the Bible!

JESUS
It should be.

MEPHISTOPHELES
I can't believe you're gonna stand up for a bunch of dykes and faggots.

JESUS
Judge not lest ye be judged.

MEPHISTOPHELES
There you go again! You made that up.

JESUS
Love thine enemies.

MEPHISTOPHELES
Stop it!

JESUS
Let him who is without sin cast the first stone.

MEPHISTOPHELES
Alright, that's enough! I've got one thing to say to you: Abomination. Homosexuality is an abomination, that's... that's...

JESUS
Leviticus 20:13.

MEPHISTOPHELES
Leviticus! Right! Right there in black and white: homosexuality is abomination and must be... I don't know, killed or something.

JESUS
Thou shalt not kill.

MEPHISTOPHELES
I know, but... hurt or something, whatever it says in the Bible. I defy you to find one biblical defense of homosexuality.
(he goes offstage to get a Bible.)

JESUS
And you think that makes it okay?
(Mephistopheles comes back with a Bible and a baseball bat.)

MEPHISTOPHELES
Hell, yes! Why not? There is nothing in here-- (I got a bat) --that says we can't bash some gays. Am I right?

JESUS
Hmm.

MEPHISTOPHELES
I mean, this is perfect. You sure you don't want a beer? I mean, we go downtown, hit a few bars, (hit a few gays). And God is on our side!

JESUS
I see.

MEPHISTOPHELES
And I mean, I'm not saying we should kill anyone, but a few broken bones, contusions. Permanent brain damage.

JESUS
This abomination thing really gives us some latitude.

MEPHISTOPHELES
Oh yeah.

JESUS
I mean, why stop there. Proverbs 6:19: False witnesses are an abomination. Something should be done about that too.

MEPHISTOPHELES
That's what I like to hear! Clean up the judicial system! Make the world a better place!

JESUS
And people who divorce and get remarried to the same people: Deuteronomy 24:4. That's an abomination.

MEPHISTOPHELES
Liz Taylor! I hate her!

JESUS
And what's Proverbs 3:32? Oppressors?

MEPHISTOPHELES
Oppressors and bullies! I wanna kick their asses!

JESUS
Oh, and Luke 16:15: Dishonest accountants. Now that is an abomination before God!

MEPHISTOPHELES
You're tellin' me?? When I see people cheating on their taxes, God, I just want to rip out their fuckin' hearts and piss on 'em. Faggots and cheaters, same damn thing, we oughta round up the whole lot of 'em, put 'em in camps and...
(Mephistopheles suddenly remembers the audience.)
(to audience:) I mean... I didn't mean that the way it sounds. No, it's okay if you want to cheat on your taxes. Really. I mean, what's an abomination anyway? It really doesn't say. I mean...

JESUS
Gotcha.

MEPHISTOPHELES
You son of a bitch. And I mean that the way it sounds.

JESUS
Well, I gotta go. I'm late for supper.

MEPHISTOPHELES
Waitwaitwaitwaitwait!

JESUS
It's been fun.

MEPHISTOPHELES
Wait, just five more minutes.

JESUS
Tempting, but no.
(Jesus exits.)

MEPHISTOPHELES
You can't do this to me! I'm not through with you yet! What about right and wrong? Black and white? What about family values, you stupid hippie faggot?!?!
(storms out, muttering:)
...Somebody give me my gun.

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