(THE WHITE KINGDOM. A rural hilltop with a Fountain in the middle.)
(Enter the White Knight. He looks around.)
Knight Hello?
Pancho (offstage:) Hello!
(The Knight turns and draws his sword.)
Knight Halt! Who goes there?
(Enter Pancho, carrying a saddle.)
Pancho It's me.
Knight Oh, it's you, Pancho. Where are we now?
(Pancho surveys their surroundings.)
Pancho Um, we haven't gone very far, your Lordship. I think we're still pretty much where we started. (points at something offstage:) See, there's your castle right over there.
Knight By George, you're right.
Pancho You know, this would go much faster if we found your horse.
Knight That rascally stallion.
Pancho I mean, I can keep carrying your saddle, but I don't think we'll cover more than a couple miles today, and then we'll have to turn around and go back.
Knight By George, you're right. We're not getting anywhere.
Pancho Maybe if you had brought a tent, like I suggested.
Knight Do you think you could carry the tent by yourself?
Pancho The horse would carry the tent.
Knight Don't confuse me with logistics. I'm a cavalier. Heroics are my forte.
(The Knight poses heroically.)
Pancho There aren't going to be any heroics if we never leave the neighborhood!
Knight How do you figure?
(Enter a Black Peasant.)
Black Excuse me...
(The Knight draws his sword.)
Knight What ho! Stand fast, you brigand! Oh, it's just a peasant.
(The Knight goes back to his heroic pose.)
Black Excuse me...
(The Knight ignores the Black Peasant.)
Black (to Pancho:) What's wrong with him?
Pancho Are you a peasant?
Black Yes.
Pancho He can't hear you.
Black He can't?
Pancho Not in a meaningful way.
Black Well, maybe you can help me.
Pancho I'll try.
Black Do you know whose fountain this is?
Pancho Oh, it probably belongs to someone around here.
(A White Peasant passes by.)
Pancho Hello there!
White Hello.
(The Knight draws his sword.)
Knight Avaunt, you blackguard!
White Good morning, your Lordship.
Knight Oh, it's a peasant.
(The Knight ignores them again.)
Pancho Is this your fountain?
White It's a public fountain. Anyone can use it.
Pancho That's what I thought.
Black Oh, good, so no one will mind if I take some water back home with me?
White No, I don't think so. Help yourself.
Pancho So you're not from around here?
Black No, I live over there.
White Just across the big fence?
Black Yes, if you look, you can see my cottage up there on that hill.
Pancho There's somebody waving.
Black That's my grandmother. Hi, Grandma! I'll be home soon! I got the water.
(The Black Peasant gets a bucket of water.)
Black Thanks.
White Don't mention it.
(Black Peasant starts to leave.)
Knight Hold it right there, peasant. Where do you think you're going with that bucket?
Black Home.
Knight And where might that be?
Black Over there.
Knight So you're not from around here?
Black No, I'm from over--
Knight Across the fence??
Black Yes.
Knight In the Black Kingdom???
Black Well, yes.
Knight A foreigner! I knew it! (to Pancho:) Do you hear that? A foreign spy invading our kingdom.
White I think she just wants a bucket of water.
Knight Stealing our buckets!
Black I brought that bucket with me!
Knight Infiltrating our Kingdom with buckets!!
Pancho Your Lordship, what harm can she do with a bucket?
Knight Ah! But what's in the bucket?
(The Knight dips his finger in the bucket and tastes the liquid.)
(He looks puzzled.)
Pancho & Both Peasants: It's water.
Knight Water! This plot is more insidious than I imagined!
Pancho What's insidious about a bucket of water?
Knight I haven't a clue! That's what makes it so insidious! Clearly there is a criminal mastermind behind this!
Pancho There could be a criminal simple-mind behind this, and you wouldn't have a clue.
Knight We have to get to the bottom of this somehow.
White Why don't we ask her. (to Black Peasant:) Excuse me. Is your plan to borrow water the work of an evil genius?
Black Well, it was my idea, if that's what you mean.
Knight Seize her!
(White Peasant has a seizure.)
Pancho No, no, "seize her."
White Oh, I thought you said, "seizure".
(Pancho and the White Peasant seize the Black Peasant.)
Black What are you going to do to me? I'm not an evil criminal mastermind, I swear!
Knight Of course not. You're just a peasant. But who do you work for?
Black Who do I work for? (to Pancho:) Is that relevant?
Pancho No, but tell him anyway.
Black I work for the Black Knight.
Knight AHA!
Pancho AHA!
White (startled:) AH!
Black (startled:) OH!
Pancho (startled:) AH!!
White Sorry, you startled me.
Knight I knew the Black Knight was behind this!
Black I mow his lawn.
Knight Come, Pancho!
Pancho What about the prisoner?
Knight Have her drawn and quartered.
Black Drawn and quartered!!
Pancho Where's my sketch pad?
White I've got some change.
Black I don't think that's what drawn and quartered means.
Pancho Oh. What does drawn and quartered mean?
Knight ...I don't know. But I think it involves a horse. Phantom!
(Knight exits.)
Pancho I better go. Nice to meet you.
(Pancho exits.)
Black Is he always like that?
White Pancho? Or the other guy?
Black The other guy. What's his name?
White I dunno, we just call him the White Knight. It seems to make him happy.
Black Well, what do we do now?
White You probably ought to get out of here before he comes back.
Black Good idea. What about the water?
White It'll be safer if you come back tomorrow. Maybe he'll forget by then.
Black Good idea. Thanks for your help.