2 times in 10 minutes at the 7-11 on 5th
by Jeff Goode
copyright © 2007
(A small convenience store. The CLERK is counting out the money in the cash register. LOTTO LADY bursts into the store.)
Lotto: All right, I wanna play my numbers.
Clerk: You gotta wait.
Lotto: 13 22 23 46 66 powerball 7
Clerk: You gotta wait till I finish counting my drawers. You know that.
Lotto: Im not gonna miss my numbers cause you count too slow.
Clerk: I count fine. Youre gonna miss your numbers because you keep interrupting me.
Lotto: I play my same numbers every single day in this store. You cant stop me.
Clerk: No ones trying to stop you.
Lotto: Ill go somewhere else.
Clerk: Then go somewhere else. You know I have to count out my drawers right now. We do this every day. (counting) 25, 26, 27, 28
Lotto: Its a conspiracy is what this is. You seen the news? $370 million dollar jackpot.
Clerk: Yeah, I seen the news. How is that a conspiracy?
Lotto: Because you dont want to see me rich. You hate to see a girl get her own.
Clerk: Thats stupid.
Lotto: I could be playing my numbers right now if you wasnt slow-countin me.
Clerk: Why would I want you not to win?
Lotto: Oh, you know why. I dont have to tell you. You know why.
Clerk: Do you know what happens when somebody wins a big jackpot like that?
Lotto: No, but I aim to find out, as soon as you quit messin with me.
Clerk: The owner of the store that sold the winning ticket gets a percentage of the jackpot.
Lotto: How much percentage?
Clerk: I dunno, but if you won that $370 million, Id be rich, too.
Lotto: Youre welcome.
Clerk: So I dont wanna hear about how I dont want you to win. The only conspiracy here is you keeping me from counting out my drawers so I can sell you your damn lottery ticket on time. (counting) 29, 30, 31, 32
Lotto: (irritably) Ill come back.
(SOCCER MOM walks in, as LOTTO LADY is walking out.)
Mom: Excuse me, hello. I wonder if you could help me?
Clerk: Not now, lady. You gotta wait in line.
(She looks around. Theres no line.)
Mom: What line?
Clerk: Look, I dont have time for this while Im trying to do math in my head. I gotta cash out these drawers now, for security reasons, so youre gonna have to wait just like everybody else.
Mom: This wont take a minute. I dont want to buy anything.
Clerk: Well, if youre not here to buy something, then you really gotta wait. Okay?
Mom: I dont think you understand. Im lost, I just need directions. I took a wrong exit off the freeway and Im afraid I dont know this area at all.
Clerk: And Im afraid you dont understand if I dont change out the register like Im supposed to before my wife comes in to work her shift in about 10 minutes, shes gonna murder me in ways I dont think you fully appreciate.
Mom: This is kind of an emergency. Im supposed to pick up my daughter after soccer practice at six, but I took a wrong turn going to her new school, and this is not the right part of town at all.
Clerk: Well, if this is an emergency
Mom: Oh, it is. It really is.
Clerk: Then you can dial 9-1-1 and get some real help. But if all you want is directions, youre going to have to wait. (counting) 33, 34, 35, 36
Mom: (feebly) Okay, Ill wait.
(LOTTO LADY bursts in, cuts in front of SOCCER MOM.)
Lotto: All right, I wanna play my numbers. 13, 22, 23
Mom: Excuse me
Lotto: 46, 66, powerball 7.
Mom: I was told to wait in line.
Lotto: And I got about 2 minutes to get my numbers before Im too late to win my $370 million, so you better not be thinkin about telling me how I gotta wait on you.
Mom: Sir
Lotto: Dont talk over me. He aint gonna help you. He gets a percentage if I win. Thats the law.
(CLERK comes back from putting the excess money in the safe.)
Clerk: All right, moneys in the safe. Twentys in the drawer. Can I help whos next?
Mom: Look, I just need directions. I just want to go home.
Lotto: You gonna cut in front of me now? Did you see what she did? Do you see that?? Its a conspiracy.
Mom: I just want to get out of here. Im lost. Im on the wrong side of town.
Lotto: Oh! I did not just hear you cut up in front of me and call my whole side of town "wrong".
Mom: Im sorry, thats not what I meant.
Lotto: Whats wrong with it, huh?
Mom: Nothing, Im sure its lovely.
Lotto: It aint lovely. Its crap. But we dont gotta stand for people like you comin in here, tearin it all down. Neighborhoods got feelings, yknow.
Mom: Im sorry, this is very upsetting. I am lost, and I am late. I just lost my job. And Im freaking out.
Lotto: (to Clerk) You better stop her freakin out. Ill take my business elsewhere. Dont think I wont.
Clerk: Free country. (handing her a lottery ticket) Here you go 13, 22, 23, 46, 66, powerball 7.
Lotto: Hey, thats my numbers!
Clerk: Yeah, I know. Thats your ticket. And next youre gonna ask me to turn up the TV so you can watch the results at the end of the 5 oclock news.
Lotto: Stay outta my head.
Clerk: Thatll be a dollar.
Lotto: (to Mom) Hey, lemme have a dollar.
Mom: Me?
Lotto: Oh, now youre too good to help a friend in need?
Mom: Youre not my friend.
Lotto: You wanna be my enemy?
Mom: This is unbelievable.
Lotto: Now she dont believe me.
Clerk: One of you better give me a dollar or its going in the trash.
Lotto: Lady!
Mom: (irritably handing over a dollar) Oh, here!
Clerk: There you go.
Mom: I cant believe this. Is it my turn?
Lotto: Come on, turn up that TV! I gotta listen for my numbers on the news.
Mom: Dont you have a home?
Lotto: You did not just talk about my home.
Clerk: Okay, its turned up. Next in line.
Mom: Yes, hello. I am having a very bad day
(A ROBBER bursts into the store with a gun.)
Robber: All right, this is a stickup! Everybody be cool, nobody gets hurt.
Mom: Oh my God.
Clerk: Not again.
Mom: What do you mean, "again"?!
Lotto: Would yall keep it down? Tryin to hear my news.
Robber: (to Clerk) You! Open up the register.
Clerk: You got the worst timing, buddy. Theres no money in the register.
Robber: Thats bullshit.
Clerk: I just changed out the drawers. Its all in the safe.
Robber: Dont make me shoot you!
Mom: (her hands in the air) Its true. We saw him do it. Please, dont shoot anybody.
Robber: Theres no money in the cash register?
Clerk: Ive got twenty bucks in here. No, wait, twenty-one.
Robber: Aw crap. Thats not even worth stealing.
Lotto: Then dont steal it. Im tryin to hear my news.
Robber: All right, then open up the safe.
Clerk: I cant.
Robber: Youre the owner, arent you?
Clerk: My wifes the only one knows the combination. For security reasons.
Robber: What, she dont trust you?
Clerk: You gonna break my balls now?
Robber: Nah, Im just sayin.
Clerk: So whatll it be? You want the twenty bucks? Or how bout I give you some candy bars instead? Or a can of soda?
Lotto: Ill have a soda. (goes to get a soda)
Clerk: Well ?
Robber: Hold on, dont rush me, let me think.
Mom: (hands still up) Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God.
(A SECOND ROBBER bursts into the store.)
2nd: All right everybody, this is stick up. Nobody move. Im serious!
Clerk: You gotta be kidding.
2nd: Im not kidding!!
Lotto: Youre too late. Were already being robbed.
2nd: What? When?
1st: Right now. Im robbing the place already. Youre too late.
2nd: Aw, youre kidding! You already emptied the cash register?
1st: Well No.
Clerk: Thats what were trying to decide.
2nd: If theres money in there, hand it over.
1st: No, its mine! I was here first.
2nd: Then whys it still in there?
1st: Because its only twenty bucks.
Clerk: Twenty-one.
2nd: So? Twenty bucks is twenty bucks, give it to me.
1st: Use your head. Theres cameras all over these places. I dont know about you, but Im not gonna have my face all over the news for armed robbery if all Im gonna get out of it is twenty dollars.
2nd: Aw crap, youre right. Thats not even worth stealing.
(TV: "And tonights winning lottery numbers are ")
2nd: Hey, wait, I got an idea. What if you go ahead and rob the store, and then I rob you after? Then technically thats not a crime, cause the money doesnt belong to you anyway.
1st: So I get nothing? Why would I go along with that?
2nd: Because Ive got a gun.
1st: We both got guns, moron.
2nd: Yeah, but you were here first.
1st: Hey, be my guest. You rob the store and then Ill rob you.
2nd: Hell, no!
1st: See? Now you know how it feels.
Mom: Oh my God. This cant be happening.
2nd: This sucks.
1st: All right, let me think.
(TV: "13 22 23 46 66 And the powerball number is ")
Lotto: Oh my God
(TV: "7")
Mom: Oh my God!
Clerk: Youre fucking kidding me.
1st: What?
Lotto: (hysterical) No, youre kidding me! Youre kidding me!
Mom: Oh my God. Thats incredible. I mean, what are the odds?
2nd: Of what?
Clerk: (covering) Uhof two people robbing the same store at the same time. This is one hell of a coincidence.
1st: You just figured that out?
Lotto: Three hundred seventy
Clerk: Yeah, the odds must be
Lotto: Three hundred seventy million!!
Mom: to one.
Clerk: Yeah.
Mom: Something like that.
Lotto: (hyperventilating) Oh. My. God.
2nd: Why is she doing that? Shes making me nervous.
Clerk: Well, fellas, I tell you what: Heres the twenty-one dollars. Why dont you guys just take it outside and split it.
1st: Who gets the extra dollar?
Clerk: Why dont you two figure that out?
2nd: No, no, no, hes right. Im not going down for twenty bucks.
Lotto: I cant feel my legs.
Mom: I think shes having a heart attack.
1st: Well, make her stop. Youre a nurse.
Mom: Im not a nurse.
1st: Youre not??
Mom: Why would you say that?
2nd: Look at how youre dressed.
Mom: Whats wrong with the way Im dressed??
Clerk: Um, shes not from around here.
2nd: Oh. Never mind.
Mom: What? What?!
Clerk: Okay, guys, here! (pulling out his wallet) I think I got a couple bucks in my wallet. Its yours. And help yourself to a six-pack or a bag of chips on the way out. Whatever you like.
1st: Why are you in such a hurry to get rid of us?
Clerk: Why? Well, um
Mom: (whispers) The robbery.
Clerk: I mean, obviously, because you are robbing my store. Of course. And thats very bad for business. So if you could please take this money now, and I can get back to running my business. And maybe later tonight you can stop back and rob me again when I have more money! Or, actually, my wife will be in later, and she knows the combination to the safe. Yes! That sounds like a great idea.
1st: Hey, thats it! We dont have to just rob the cash register.
2nd: You want to steal the safe?
1st: No, the customers.
2nd: You want to steal the customers??
1st: No! We rob the customers! One of thems gotta have some cash.
Clerk: No. Um Dont do that.
Lotto: They cant have my money.
1st: See? I knew one of them was loaded. (to Mom) I kinda thought it would be you, though.
2nd: (to Lotto) All right, hand it over.
Lotto: They cant have my money!
Clerk: Shut up. Look, leave her alone. Shes crazy. She doesnt have any money. She just says things like that. (to Mom) Aint that right, lady?
Mom: Thats right. Shes completely broke. In fact, she had to borrow a dollar from me to buy a lott
(CLERK and SOCCER MOM exchange frightened glances.)
Mom: of feminine products.
2nd: Ugh!
Mom: Tampons, and feminine deodorant. Pregnancy test. Enema.
2nd: Never mind! I dont wanna know!
Clerk: Look, just take the money. But leave the customers out of it. Especially the crazy ones.
1st: If she borrowed money for tampons, where are they?
Clerk: Where?
2nd: Dont make her show you!
1st: No, I wanna see em. Somethings going on here. Everybody, turn out your pockets. Crazy first.
(SOCCER MOM finally snaps.)
Mom: All right, fine!! Yes, I have money. Here, take it! Take it all! You want more? Ill write you a check. Look, theres credit cards. Heres my car keys. Just go!!
1st: Now were talkin
2nd: How come he gets the car? How am I supposed to get home?
Mom: (handing him house keys) Fine, here, you get the house. And you can give him a ride. Please, just leave us alone.
1st: This is the craziest robbery Ive ever been in.
Mom: You think this is crazy? Im just trying to pick up my daughter from soccer practice! I took one wrong turn, and Im lost on the bad part of town. And I know you people dont want to think its the bad part. But I dont get robbed twice in 10 minutes where I come from! Im not even supposed to be here, but I have to pick up my daughter at her new school. She doesnt need a new school, but my husband and I just split up and now he wants to establish custody, so hes got her in this place. But thats not the worst part. Im late to get her, because I lost my job, because the companys going in another direction, and that direction is apparently away from the one where they pay me to do my shitty ass job. And they dont have the decency to at least wait until after my custody hearings are over, so now my husband is going to get the kids, because I cant support them and their tuition at the private school he picked out just to fuck with me. My daughter is waiting for me somewhere all by herself, but I dont know where, and its getting late, and Im not even on the right side of town, and if anything happens to her while you two are bickering about twenty dollars, his lawyers will make sure I never see her again, and its all because this asshole wouldnt give me directions back to the freeway when I asked nicely, so now Im here being robbed, not once, but twice in 10 minutes, which is actually, believe it or not, better than my real life right now, so maybe I should just stay here!!
(Everyone is stunned. SOCCER MOM angrily snatches the gun out of the FIRST ROBBERs hand.)
1st: Hey!
Mom: Now, take my money and get out of here, or so help me I will do something I regret.
1st: She got my gun!
2nd: Thats cause youre an idiot.
(FIRST ROBBER snatches the gun out of the SECOND ROBBERs hand.)
2nd: Hey!
1st: Now whos an idiot?
2nd: Give me that!
(FIRST ROBBER points gun at SECOND ROBBER to keep him at bay.)
1st: Now, look, Lady, Im sorry about your kid. But you really dont want to shoot nobody.
Mom: Dont tempt me.
1st: Nobodys tempting anybody. But, no offense, you dont seem like the type.
Lotto: No, no, she is, shes the type. Shes been crazy since she first walked in here.
Mom: Shut up!
Lotto: You see?
Mom: Okay Maybe Im not a killer
1st: Thats what I like to hear.
Mom: But I did try to commit suicide in college.
2nd: What the?
Mom: And I think Ive still got what it takes to endanger my own life.
(SOCCER MOM puts the gun to her head.)
Clerk: Holy shit.
2nd: Thats messed up.
1st: Are you nuts? Why would you do that?
Lotto: I told you about her! I tried to warn you.
Mom: I am not having a good day.
1st: Put down that gun.
2nd: Dont try to stop her! Go ahead, lady, do it. That solves one of our problems.
Clerk: Maybe for you. But if she shoots herself, that guys got big trouble.
1st: Whys that?
Clerk: Are you kidding? If they find her dead in my store from the bullets in your gun. Aint no jury in the world gonna believe she stole it from you in the middle of a robbery and decided to shoot herself. She pulls that trigger, youre going down for murder. Over a lousy twenty bucks.
Lotto: Twenty-one bucks! Ha!
2nd: Dont listen to him. Let her shoot herself. Ill be your witness.
1st: Whos gonna believe you?!
2nd: Then give me the gun and Ill do it.
1st: You shut up! And lady, just put the gun down. You dont want to shoot yourself.
Mom: Are you sure? I told you about my day.
1st: I mean, it lady, give me the gun.
Mom: No! No!! You give me the gun. Or so help me, I will blow my brains all over this store.
1st: All right, calm down.
Mom: Give me the gun! Right now!
1st: Okay, here you go.
2nd: What are you doing?
(FIRST ROBBER hands her the gun, she puts them both to her head, and BOTH ROBBERS put their hands up.)
Mom: Now I want you both to close your eyes and count to ten. And when you open your eyes, I want you to leave. And dont come back.
Clerk: (whispers) They dont need to count to ten.
Mom: I want them to count to ten!!!
1st: All right, no problem!
2nd: Do we still get to keep the car?
Mom: Count!!!
1st & 2nd: One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.
(They both slowly open their eyes. And then bolt out of the store. CLERK and LOTTO LADY exchange stunned glances, and then )
Clerk & Lotto: Yes! We won the lottery! Oh my God! We won! We won!
(They scream and hug each other.)
Lotto: Lady, I gotta give it up. You saved our asses.
Clerk: That was amazing. How can we ever thank you?
(With a crazed look in her eye, SOCCER MOM turns both guns on the two of them.)
Mom: I want two million dollars.
Lotto: What!? Man, I knew this was not my day.
Clerk: Youre going to rob us now???
Mom: No, youre going to give me the money. As a reward. One million from you. And one million from you.
Clerk: One million each?! Shes got 370 million. I only get a percentage! Thats like half my money!
Mom: And I just about shot myself in the head because you wouldnt give me directions back to the freeway. So youre going to give me one million each. (to Clerk) And youre going to give me directions. (to Lotto) And youre going to give me back my dollar. Or I can call those two back in here, and give them their guns, and tell them where they can find $370 million in this place. Ygot that?
Lotto: Yeah! Yeah! No, dont do that. Were cool.
Clerk: You got a deal! Yes!
Mom: All right
(She slowly lowers the weapons. All three exchange stunned glances, and then )
Lotto & Clerk & Mom: Yeah! We won the lottery! Oh my God! We won! We won! We won!
(They scream and hug each other as the lights fade to black.)