Christmas Carol

by Jeff Goode

copyright © 1995

VoiceA Christmas Carol. By Charles Dickens.

(Scrooge sitting center stage.)

ScroogeI hate Christmas.
VoiceMerry Christmas!
ScroogeShut up!

(Marley appears to his left)

MarleyHi, Scrooge.
ScroogeJacob Marley! Holy shit, you've been dead for seven years!
MarleyI've come back to haunt you.
ScroogeMe? What for?
MarleyBecause you suck. Now shut up and listen. You will be visited by three spirits. The first will come tomorrow night at one o'clock. The next will come on the next night at the same time. And the third will come the night after that, also at one o'clock.
ScroogeSo, by the time they're done with me, it will be December 28th.
ScroogeWouldn't it be easier to have them all come tonight and be done with, and then I can sleep in on Christmas day?

(Marley exits.)

ScroogeBoy, how spooky.

(Scrooge falls asleep, snoring.)

(First Ghost appears to his right.)

Ghost 1Howdy.
Ghost 1I'm the Ghost of Christmas past. Look.

(They both look out over the audience.)

ScroogeMy God, I used to enjoy Christmas.
Ghost 1What happened?
ScroogeMy girlfriend dumped me, because she thought I was too wrapped up in my work. What a dunce I was.
Ghost 1Bye

(First Ghost exits.)

ScroogeHow spooky.

(Second Ghost appears to his left.)

Ghost 2I am the ghost of Christmas present.
Ghost 2Look.

(They both look out over the audience.)

ScroogeOh, how awful. Bob Cratchit and his family virtually starving to death. Tiny Tim has some debilating bone disease. I bet he's gonna die soon.
Ghost 2Yep. Next Friday.
ScroogeThat's strange. They seem to be having a good time anyway.
Ghost 2That's right. Bye.

(Second Ghost exits.)

ScroogeHow spooky.

(Third Ghost appears to his right. Doesn't say anything, just pokes him with his long bony finger.)

Stop poking me, what do you want?
Who are you? What do you want? Stop poking me.

(Scrooge happens to look out.)

Hey, look, there's a tombstone with my name on it. Hey, where'd you go?

(But the Third Ghost has also disappeared.)

How spooky.

(A Fellow enters.)

FellowGood morning, Mister Scrooge.
ScroogeHey, you know what? I could be dead by this time next year. I should stop working so hard and have a little fun.
FellowMerry Christmas.
ScroogeGod bless us everyone.

Ho ho ho!