Alice and Rico

by Jeff Goode

copyright © 1995

Alice and Rico was originally written as a showcase piece for a couple of friends who were looking for a piece to, y'know, showcase them. As far as I know, this piece has never been performed in public.

ALICE AND RICO BY JEFF GOODE IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE PERFORMED, DOWNLOADED OR RETRANSMITTED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR.
(Police interrogation room.)
(RICO, obviously a hoodlum, waits, sulking malevolently.)
(After a while:)
      RICO (bellows:)
Where's my attorn---
(Door slams open. ALICE enters, stalks over to the table, sets down her briefcase and begins shuffling papers.)
(Rico gives her the silent treatment, sulks with increasing ardor. She fails to notice him.)
(Finally:)
      RICO
What---

      ALICE (blurts:)
I AM NOT GOING TO FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU!!

      RICO
What?

      ALICE
You heard me.

      RICO
Lady---

      ALICE
No!!
Don't even start with that "Lady this" and "Lady that", I've been down that road before. You just sit quietly and keep your hands to yourself and do as you're told, and I won't have to use this:

(She sets a can of mace on the table.)
(Rico looks at it.)
      RICO
That's mace.
(Alice ignores him and shuffles some more papers. Rico sulks some more.)
      ALICE
Is this your first offense?

      RICO
I didn't do nothin'!

(Alice stops what she's doing and glowers at him for a long time.)
      ALICE
That's not what I asked you.

      RICO
I didn't do nothin'!!

      ALICE (plugs her ears:)
I'm not listening. La la la la... etc.

      RICO
Are you supposed to be my attorney, or what?? I'm innocent! I was just walking along and these two guys was walking along and these two other guys came up and kicked the shit out of these other two guys that was walking along and the cops came along and I tried to tell them what happened, and they threw me up against the car and handcuffed me and started telling me I'm---

(Alice maces him.)
      RICO
Aagh! Fuck! Ah, shit! Fuck. You fuckin' maced me, you crazy bitch!

      ALICE
Watch your language.

      RICO (claws at his eyes:)
Oh, God! Oh, Jesus Christ!

      ALICE
Don't scratch, it'll get infected.

(He lays on the floor panting.)
      ALICE (starting over:)
Is this your first offense?

      RICO (still on the floor:)
No.
Yes.

      ALICE
Which is it?

      RICO
Yes.

      ALICE
This is your first offense?

      RICO
Sort of.

      ALICE
...Sort of your first? Or sort of offensive?

      RICO
You maced me!

      ALICE
That's not an answer.

      RICO (fed up:)
You've got my rap sheet right there! What're you asking me for?

      ALICE
This is a pop quiz.

      RICO
Fuck you.

      ALICE
Okay, just for that...

(She reaches for the mace again. He flees around the table.)
      RICO
No, no, get away from me!
(She stops pursuing him as he cowers at one end of the room.)
      ALICE
Is this your first offense?

      RICO
...No.

      ALICE
That's correct. You've been a very bad boy.

      RICO (glib:)
So spank me.

(Alice suddenly gets very quiet.)
      ALICE
What is that supposed to mean?

      RICO (taken aback:)
What---

      ALICE
WHAT THE HELL IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN!!?!!

      RICO (a little frightened:)
I didn't---

      ALICE (in his face:)
You think I'm gonna walk in here, and take one look at you in your leather pants and go weak in the knees? Is that it? You think I just melt every time I meet a grungy, pathetic loser like yourself? Well, you're wrong this time, cowboy!

      RICO
Jesus Christ, you're a crazy bitch!

      ALICE (flattered:)
You think so?

      RICO (not sure what just happened:)
...Yeah.

      ALICE
You're not just saying that?

      RICO (bewildered:)
No, you're one fucked up crazy bitch.

      ALICE (sexy:)
Really?

      RICO
Uh huh.

      ALICE
You know what?

      RICO
What?

      ALICE (very hot:)
You disgust me.

      RICO (melting:)
Really?

      ALICE
Uh huh.

      RICO (suddenly realizing what she said:)
I disgust you?!?
What the hell kind of talk is that? You're supposed to be my attorney! Whaddya mean I disgust you?

(Alice smiles coyly and shuffles some papers.)
      RICO (refuses to be ignored:)
No, I wanna know!

      ALICE (matter-of-factly:)
Isn't it obvious? You're a slimeball. You're a scab on the face of society. This isn't the first time you've been charged with assault, you know.

      RICO
I was acquitted, man!

      ALICE
Don't call me "man".

      RICO
I was acquitted, lady.

(Alice smashes a glass.)
      ALICE (trying to remain calm:)
There you go again with that "lady" crap! I want to make one thing perfectly clear. I am an attorney. You are my client. What we have is an attorney/client relationship. That's it. That's as far as it goes. And as much as you like to fantasize about it. You and I are not going to make it here on this table! YOU GOT THAT?

      RICO
I wasn't fantasizing about you.

      ALICE (a little surprised:)
...Why not?

      RICO
Why not? Because.

      ALICE
Because why?

      RICO
Because I wasn't!

      ALICE
Is there something wrong with me?

      RICO
I don't even know you! I just met you. How 'm I supposed to fantasize about you when I don't even know you??

      ALICE (chuckles knowingly:)
Oh, I think...
      (catches herself:)
Ahem, good point.

      RICO (bewildered:)
I mean, I'd have to get to know you first.
I mean, if you don't want me to call you "lady" or whatever, then I won't, but I'm not trying to pick you up. I just need your help. I don't want to go to jail.
      (pointing at his rapsheet:)
I know what it says on there, but that's not me. I never hurt nobody. That guy was beating up my sister, so I... Okay, I guess I hurt one guy. But these guys today, I didn't hurt nobody. You gotta help me.

(pause)
      ALICE
This is really embarrassing.

      RICO
Wh---?

      ALICE
Can I tell you something?

      RICO (not sure that's such a good idea:)
Um---

      ALICE
I think I misjudged you. I'm sorry.
The kind of client I usually get here... are real scum. Career criminals. Nasty swaggering assholes with no respect for anyone.
And the only thing worse than their attitude, is their attitude toward women.
You walk in here and the way they look at you, you know exactly what they want.
...And you know they can't have it.
There's something really satisfying about having that kind of power over that kind of a man.

But you know what's even more satisfying?

The idea of throwing all that away.
Stripping off the brief cases and bike chains and the roles we play and just becoming two naked primal forces throbbing and sweating together right here in front of everybody. Did you know that's a two way mirror?
I used to fantasize about it all the time.

But after you've done it a couple times, the idea really loses it's appeal.
Not that the sex wasn't fantastic, but...
      (shrugs)

Let's talk about your case.

      RICO
What?

      ALICE
According to the police, you assaulted these two men.

      RICO
What?

      ALICE
You assaulted two men?

      RICO
...Yes. No! No, I didn't. See, that's what I tried to tell the police.

      ALICE
You didn't assault them?

      RICO
No! I was... I was...
I was walking along and these two guys, the ones I told you about before that were walking along, they came and they... well, they were, like, just walking this way and, um... I don't know what I was doing, I guess, I was standing there and... or I was walking. Or, no, I was... Well, anyway...
      (He seems distracted.)
Where was I? Oh, yeah, I was... the two... two guys ...were ...um. They were just walking along and, all of a sudden, the other two guys, I think... no, yes, that was it, the two... the first two... the two other guys, the first ones... um...

      ALICE
Is something wrong?

      RICO
I think I have a little problem here.

      ALICE
What is it?

      RICO
Now I'm fantasizing about you.

      ALICE
Oh, you are not.

      RICO (thinks about it:)
Um... no, I think I am.

      ALICE
Well stop it!

      RICO
Okay---

      ALICE (a little panicked:)
Think about something else.

      RICO
Believe me, I'm trying.

      ALICE
Oh my God, you really are fantasizing about me!

      RICO
Well, it's your fault, talking about being naked and throbbing on the table right here.

      ALICE
But not with you!

      RICO
You think that matters??

      ALICE
Don't look at me!
      (Rico turns away.)
Oh, I'm gonna be sick.

      RICO
How am I supposed to concentrate when all I can see is my attorney sprawled on the table in front of me naked and bucking---

      ALICE
I do not buck!

      RICO
Sorry.

      ALICE
And I don't sprawl! You don't know anything about me!

      RICO
I don't need to know anything, it's a fantasy!!

      ALICE
You are not my type.

      RICO
I'm not your type??

      ALICE
Not at all.

      RICO
What does that mean?

      ALICE
Nothing! You seem like a nice guy. You seem normal.

      RICO
I am a nice guy. What's wrong with that?

      ALICE
Oh God, I feel like I'm naked.

      RICO
How do you think I feel?

      ALICE
You feel like you're naked?

      RICO
No, I feel like you're naked!

      ALICE
Oh God!

      RICO (trying to focus:)
Okay, I'm going to imagine you with your clothes on.

      ALICE
And I'm going to imagine you with your clothes off.

      RICO
What!!

      ALICE
I think if I were attracted to you, it wouldn't bother me so much.

      RICO
Well, don't tell me that!! Jesus Christ, I don't want to know that!

(They are at opposite ends of the room, trying to regain their composure.)
      RICO
Okay, I'm imagining you with your clothes on.

      ALICE
And I'm imagining... huh huh huh---

      RICO
Don't!

      ALICE
I'm not gonna say a word.

(Slowly, cautiously, they move toward each other and sit together at the table. Rico struggles to restrain his lust, and Alice tries very hard not to let hers show.)
      ALICE
Is this your first offense?

      RICO
No.
But the last time,
I was acquitted.

      ALICE
Would you like to be acquitted this time?

      RICO
Oh God, yes.

[END OF SCENE]

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