Buteonine was originally written for a project called Word Games which involved pieces based on words picked at random from a dictionary. Although it was intended only as a writing exercise, the script received its first production in February 2001 when I discovered that Original Works [Los Angeles] was looking for short pieces to fit the theme "Backwards Ass Country Folk".
They share a bawdy laugh.OWENDid you see where they did a study, and come to find out 80% of people surveyed consider themself to be ďof above average intelligenceĒ?
CYRILThat sounds a bit high.OWENSeems like a lotta folks got the wrong idea about theirself.CYRILWell, you know folks.OWENWork in a feed store, donít I?CYRILAlways like to think theyíre smarter than they really are.OWENLike to think theyíre smarterín the next fella is what it is.CYRILYou got that right.OWENLike that one fella. ĎMember him?CYRILWhat fellaís that?OWENYou know the one Iím talking about.CYRILI reckon I might, if youíd go on and tell me.OWENNow donít start with me.CYRILIím just saying, I ainít a mind reader, if thatís what youíre thinkiní.OWENI know you know who Iím talkiní Ďbout.CYRILIf itís who I think it is, then no I donít.OWENYou was standiní right there when it happened.CYRILThat wasnít me. I was down to Clifton that day.OWENOh, thatís right, you was.CYRILOn account oí the new Starbucks.OWENI must be thinkiní of somebody else.CYRILSophie wanted to try one oí them cappuccinos, and it being our anniversary and all.OWENTook her to town, did you?CYRILNo, we didnít go to town till we got back home.
They share a bawdy laugh.OWENThatís Italian, you know.CYRILWhat? Starbucks?OWENCappuccino.CYRILYou donít say. What about Starbucks?OWENThatís Battlestar Galactica.CYRILLearn something new every day.OWENAinít that the truth. Anyway, thatís the fella.CYRILWhat fella?OWENThe one I was telling you about.CYRILOh. Thatís who I thought it was.OWENHe sure thought he was a heck of a lot smarter than he turned out to be.CYRILButeonine.OWENNow donít start with me.CYRILIím just sayiní thatís the fella, ainít it?OWENThatís the fella. Called me buteonine.CYRILNo call for that.OWENDidnít even know it was a word.CYRILHe musta knowed it was a word. Used it in a sentence, didnít he?OWENIím talking about me.CYRILOh, you. Didnít know it was a word, huh?OWENDidnít know you needed a word.CYRILYou got that right.OWENIf I come across a fella beiní all buteonine, Iím gonna come right out and tell him to his face: ďYouíre just like a buzzard.ĒCYRILďBuzzardlike.ĒOWENThatís right.CYRILďBuzzardish.ĒOWENThatís right.CYRILďDownright buzzardesque.ĒOWENNow donít start with me.CYRILIím just sayiní, itís like you said.OWENPoint is, we got plenty oí words right here in plain English, without we gotta go makiní up new ones in Latin.CYRIL(scoffs) Buteonine.OWENI mean, thatís all well and good if you end up in a emergency room feeling kinda buzzard-like, and you wanna make sure the doctor understands your condition. But other than that? Just day to day? Walkiní down the street?CYRILOr sittiní at the bar chattiní up a fellaís girlfriend while heís in the washroom?OWENNow I told you how she was dressed.CYRILCanít blame you for tryiní.OWENCanít a fella pay another fellaís gal a compliment without we gotta have words?CYRILHow is Sarah, by the by?OWENGettiní on good. Homesick, time to time. Misses the city.CYRILThatís natural. Take her down to Clifton, why donít you?OWENThereís a idea. Get us one oí them cappuccinos.CYRILExtra foamy.
CYRILYou know, Owen...OWENWhatís that?CYRILNow hear me out...OWENDonít start with me.CYRILIím just sayiní, what if that was all it was, was a compliment?OWENWhat was?CYRILWhat the fella said.OWENA compliment? He called me a buzzard.CYRILHe called you buteonine.OWENIt does sound purty, now you mention it.CYRILThe buzzard is a noble beast.OWENThe buzzard? I think youíre thinking of somebody else.CYRILDesert beast. Stately. Noble. Lord of the sandy skies.OWENThey eat you when youíre dying, for cryiní out loud!CYRILNo, sir. They wait. A buzzard will not eat you till youíre all through dying. Theyíre patient, that way. Polite.OWENI still donít like Ďem circliní over me when Iím starviní to death.CYRILWell, what do you want they should do? Wait a couple days for the rot to set in? They wanna get you while youíre fresh, donít they?OWENI reckon so. Guess there ainít no harm in that.CYRILThatís right.OWENSo a buzzardís got taste. Discretion.CYRILGot a certain buteonine quality.OWENI still donít see as that fella meant it as a compliment.CYRILYou donít think so? Something about the way he said it?OWENSomething about the way he said, ďGet a dictionaryĒ when I asked him what he meant.CYRILHe was a smug one, that one.OWENHe thought he was a helluva lot smarterín all of us.CYRILYou got a dictionary, didnít you?OWENMavis had one behind the bar.CYRILThat old hard-bound ďWebsterísĒ up on the cupboard? That thing is so old, I didnít know it still had words in it.OWENWell, it did. ďButeonine: Of the nature of, or resembling a buzzard.ĒCYRILBoy, I bet he was smug.OWENOh, that fella thought he knew just about everything.CYRILBet he didnít know you could beat a man to death with a hard-cover book.OWENNo, I reckon thatís one thing they didnít teach him in college.CYRILYou learn something new every day, I guess.OWENAinít that the truth.