SEVEN SANTAS: "Red"
by Jeff Goode
copyright © 2007
"RED"
Im not gonna say it.
I know Im supposed to.
I know thats what you expect
But too bad! Coal for you
Youre not gonna get it.
Thats where I draw the line
I know my rights.
And silence is one of em.
Which is appropriate, since its Christmas.
I also happen to be holy and bright.
Bright enough to know
You say the wrong thing
One time
In public
On the record
And thats it, youre macacad forever.
You never get that genie back in the bottle.
Thats all they think about you after that.
How many kids have been branded as "bedwetters" for life off of one thing their little brother shouldnt have said on the playground at recess?
How many elves have been tarred as acorn smugglers
even though they never found those goddamn acorns!
All it takes is one slip of the tongue
and you got your foot in your mouth.
Next think you know, theres rumors going around you got a boot fetish
when you dont even like the taste of leather!
You dont even have to say a word:
And it could be anything.
Youre sittin there, mindin your own business,
Tryin to eat a cookie
Somebody tells a joke
You laugh
You shoot milk out your nose.
Youre choking.
Youre coughing
You cant get your breath
You could use a Heimlich, but theyre all too busy laughing their asses off!
Youre gasping and shaking like a bowlful of jelly
And now its too late:
Thats all anyone remembers from that office party.
"You remember the time?"
Yeah, I was the one almost swallowed his tonsils, asshole.
"Could you do it again? That was hilarious!"
Now youre the guy who gorges on cookies and shakes when he laughs like Michael J. Fox.
It doesnt matter how many toys you deliver after that.
Youre always the chubby with the gingerbread fixation and the Parkinsons laugh
Who also happens to deliver toys.
How do you think that feels?
To be jolly and fat no matter how much weight I lose.
To be thought of as merry and gay long after the definition has changed.
People expect me to be jovial 24/7. Like a fucking child.
Im a grown man.
Ive got ideas about politics.
Does anybody want to hear them?
No! "Just sit in the chair and chuckle for the kiddies, fatto"
I could solve the Middle East right now
Does anybody want that?
Give me 6000 cash and a sleigh full of dreidels
And Ill have the whole thing settled by Hanukah.
"Forget it, flabby. Just do the bowlful of jelly and bring us a PlayStation, Lego set, Barbie dolls, makeup, and an iPod."
"
Oh, and world peace."
Mother fuckers.
Howd I get saddled with a stupid laugh anyway? Why did that stick?
I never laugh.
You fly over the whole world once a year, and take a look down, and tell me if anythings funny after that.
People need prozac after some of the shit Ive seen.
But Im not supposed to talk about that.
Thats not what you expect out of ol Saint Nick
Youd rather hear me repeat what you already heard a thousand times before.
And if I dont do it, Im in denial,
And then I look like even more of a liar.
So whats it matter if I say it?
Its just a phrase
You already decided what youre gonna believe or not
Nothing I say is gonna make me look good
And saying nothing makes me look worse.
So fine.
lets do this and get it over with:
Thats why were here, after all.
Ill say it. Are you happy?
Ill give you what you want.
Cuz thats what I do.
Hi, Im Santa...
And Im an alcoholic.
BLACKOUT
© 2007 Jeff Goode - THIS SCRIPT IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR