by Jeff Goode

copyright © 2007


I’m not gonna say it.
I know I’m supposed to.
I know that’s what you expect
But too bad! Coal for you
You’re not gonna get it.
That’s where I draw the line

I know my rights.
And silence is one of ‘em.
Which is appropriate, since it’s Christmas.

I also happen to be holy and bright.
Bright enough to know
You say the wrong thing
One time
In public
On the record
And that’s it, you’re macaca’d forever.
You never get that genie back in the bottle.
That’s all they think about you after that.

How many kids have been branded as "bedwetters" for life off of one thing their little brother shouldn’t have said on the playground at recess?
How many elves have been tarred as acorn smugglers
even though they never found those goddamn acorns!

All it takes is one slip of the tongue
and you got your foot in your mouth.
Next think you know, there’s rumors going around you got a boot fetish
when you don’t even like the taste of leather!

You don’t even have to say a word:
And it could be anything.
You’re sittin’ there, mindin’ your own business,
Tryin’ to eat a cookie
Somebody tells a joke
You laugh
You shoot milk out your nose.
You’re choking.
You’re coughing
You can’t get your breath–
You could use a Heimlich, but they’re all too busy laughing their asses off!
–You’re gasping and shaking like a bowlful of jelly
And now it’s too late:
That’s all anyone remembers from that office party.
"You remember the time–?"
Yeah, I was the one almost swallowed his tonsils, asshole.
"Could you do it again? That was hilarious!"

Now you’re the guy who gorges on cookies and shakes when he laughs like Michael J. Fox.
It doesn’t matter how many toys you deliver after that.
You’re always the chubby with the gingerbread fixation and the Parkinson’s laugh
Who also happens to deliver toys.

How do you think that feels?
To be jolly and fat no matter how much weight I lose.
To be thought of as merry and gay long after the definition has changed.
People expect me to be jovial 24/7. Like a fucking child.

I’m a grown man.
I’ve got ideas about politics.
Does anybody want to hear them?
No! "Just sit in the chair and chuckle for the kiddies, fatto"
I could solve the Middle East right now
Does anybody want that?
Give me 6000 cash and a sleigh full of dreidels
And I’ll have the whole thing settled by Hanukah.
"Forget it, flabby. Just do the bowlful of jelly and bring us a PlayStation, Lego set, Barbie dolls, makeup, and an iPod."
"…Oh, and world peace."
Mother fuckers.

How’d I get saddled with a stupid laugh anyway? Why did that stick?
I never laugh.
You fly over the whole world once a year, and take a look down, and tell me if anything’s funny after that.
People need prozac after some of the shit I’ve seen.

But I’m not supposed to talk about that.
That’s not what you expect out of ol’ Saint Nick
You’d rather hear me repeat what you already heard a thousand times before.

And if I don’t do it, I’m in denial,
And then I look like even more of a liar.

So what’s it matter if I say it?
It’s just a phrase
You already decided what you’re gonna believe or not

Nothing I say is gonna make me look good
And saying nothing makes me look worse.

So fine.
let’s do this and get it over with:
That’s why we’re here, after all.
I’ll say it. Are you happy?
I’ll give you what you want.
Cuz that’s what I do.

Hi, I’m Santa...
And I’m an alcoholic.