I’m His Bogeyman

by Jeff Goode

copyright © 2007


(A WOMAN in dominatrix outfit and a small black mask is waiting for someone, perhaps drinking a latte. Enter, behind her, a BIG SCARY MONSTER.)

BOOGIE.  Hee hee. (tiptoeing up behind her:) Dum dum dum dum dum… BOO!!

BABE.    (turns, startled) Ow! Agh!

BOOGIE.  (upon seeing her, is startled, also) Yagh! What the whozits?!

BABE.    Jesus Christ, what’d you do that for?!

BOOGIE.  Whoa, sorry!

BABE.    You almost made me spill my latte.

BOOGIE.  I thought you were someone else.

BABE.    This is leather, you prick.

BOOGIE.  There’s no need for swears, I said I was sorry.

BABE.    You should be, you despicable little troll.

BOOGIE.  Hey! I am not little.

BABE.    I wasn’t talking about your bra-size, pencil dick!

BOOGIE.  What–Hey–What?

BABE.    Never mind. Just stay away from me.

BOOGIE.  Fine. …You stay away from me.

BABE.    Fine.

(They both wait for whoever they’re waiting for.)

BOOGIE.  You’re not staying away from me.

BABE.    I was here first.

BOOGIE.  (petulant:) Nuh uh. I was here yesterday.

BABE.    We’re not talking about yesterday.

BOOGIE.  I was here the day before yesterday!

BABE.    I’m here now.

BOOGIE.  This is my spot. I’m here every night. Always.

BABE.    I’m not leaving.

BOOGIE.  You better!!

BABE.    I’m waiting for someone.

BOOGIE.  …Here?

BABE.    And I’m not leaving till they get here.

BOOGIE.  Oh. Okay. Sorry. (pause) Me, too. I’m waiting for someone.

(They both wait.)

BOOGIE.  You look familiar.

BABE.    I’m not.

BOOGIE.  I’m Boogie. (offers to shake hands)

BABE.    Enchanté.

BOOGIE.  That’s a nice name. Are you a magician?

BABE.    That’s not my name.

BOOGIE.  Oh... Mine’s Boogie.

BABE.     (annoyed) Yeah.

BOOGIE.  What are you supposed to be, some kind of superhero?

BABE.    No.

BOOGIE.  Me, neither.

(No response.)

BOOGIE.  I’m a big scary monster.

BABE.    Yeah, I got that.

(They wait.)

BOOGIE.  You’re not waiting for me, are you?

BABE.    You? Ha!

BOOGIE.  What’s that supposed to mean?

BABE.    In your dreams.

BOOGIE.   (confused) What do you call this?

BABE.    You’re not him.

BOOGIE.  Whom?

BABE.    The person I’m waiting for.


(They wait.)

BOOGIE.  Y’know, I’m the only one who ever comes here. This is my spot. I’m here every night.

BABE.    So?

BOOGIE.  I think you’re waiting for me. And you just don’t know it.

BABE.    I think you’re hallucinating.

BOOGIE.  Oh yeah? (rolls up his sleeves) Well, we’ll see who’s hallucinating.

(He goes into his ‘Boogie Man’ dance.)

BABE.    What are you doing?

BOOGIE.  Pretty scary, huh?

BABE.    Disturbing, yes. But scary? …Yes.

BOOGIE.  Well, I’m just getting warmed up.

(He jumps behind her and starts running in place.)

BABE.    Now what?

BOOGIE.  I’m chasing you up a hill. That never seems to get to the top.

BABE.    Well, stop it.

BOOGIE.  I’ll never stop. I’m always coming. Getting closer. Closer. Now a little further. But now I’m catching up again. Almost got you. Right behind you. Almost there. You can’t escape.

BABE.    What if I kick you in the nuts?

BOOGIE.  What–?! Gee whiskers, lady, would you watch it with the potty words?

(She kicks him in the nuts. He falls over.)

BABE.    Fuck off! You mean like that?

BOOGIE.  Now you’re gonna get it! (picking himself up) You have fudged up, lady. Big time!

BABE.    As long as it’s fudge.

BOOGIE.  Do you know who I am?

BABE.    Faggot in a bear suit?

BOOGIE.  Jeecriminy! Could you can it with the cussbombs?

BABE.    Pussy in a beaver suit. Is that better?

BOOGIE.  All right, that’s it!

(He goes into his Boogie dance again.)

BABE.    Why do you keep doing that?

BOOGIE.  I’m about to become your worst nightmare.

BABE.    I doubt that. My worst nightmare is a lot itchier. And fits in my pants.

BOOGIE.  Ew! Ugh. Yuck! Oh, that’s awful. Now I’m gonna have that in my head all night.

BABE.    Just doing my job.

BOOGIE.  Your job? Waitaminute. Who are you?

BABE.    None of your business.

BOOGIE.  What kind of bull-caca is that? It is my business. This is my dream.

BABE.    Wait, you’re Jason? Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t know. I didn’t recognize you in that– in that– What happened to you?

BOOGIE.  No, I’m not Jason! But I’m the one that gives Jason nightmares, and that makes me the top dog around here.

BABE.    (relieved:) But you’re not Jason, thank God. Cuz if I had to wrap my snatch around that, this really would be my worst nightmare.

BOOGIE.  Snatch?

BABE.    If you have to ask, you can’t afford it.

BOOGIE.  Wait, how do you know Jason?

(Enter JASON.)

JASON.   Hi, sorry I’m late. I was up cramming for a midterm–

BABE.    Jason!

BOOGIE.  Jason!!

JASON.   Oh shit.

BOOGIE.  Spit is right. You’re gonna pay for making me wait here with this b-witch.

(He goes into his Boogie dance.)

JASON.   Oh boy…

BABE.    (to Jason:) Baby, why is he doing that?

JASON.   Um…

BOOGIE.  Waitaminute. Who are you calling "Baby"?

JASON.   It’s a dance. He thinks–

BOOGIE.  It scares the bejumpers out of him. Ever since he was a little kid.

BABE.    Reeeally?

JASON.   No, it doesn’t. (to Boogie:) I’ve been trying to tell you. When I was a little kid, I heard that song "I’m Your Boogie Man" and I thought it was about a real bogey man, so I thought it was your song, and you just started doing it. But it doesn’t scare me. It never has.

BOOGIE.  (Beat, then…) You don’t fool me that easy. (He boogies more.) I’m not falling for the old "I ain’t afraid of disco" trick.

(Boogie dances. Babe tries to undress Jason.)

BABE.    Baby, I missed you sooo much. Let’s get you out of those awful clothes.

JASON.   Sweetie, please–

BABE.    I want to lick you sooo bad.

BOOGIE.  Hey! What’s going on here? You two are awful friendly.

JASON.   I can explain. (to Babe:) Honey, hold on.

BABE.    I’m sorry, Baby, you’re right. You go talk to your puppy.

BOOGIE.  Puppy!? I’ll have you know I am a giant… whatever-I-am. (to Jason:) Jason, what am I?

JASON.   (taking him aside:) Boogie…

BOOGIE.  (to Babe:) You see that? We’re on a first name basis. (to Jason:) Who is she? She scares me.

JASON.   I know…

BOOGIE.  You left me here with her.

JASON.   I know, I’m sorry, I’ve been staying up late now that I’m in college.

BOOGIE.  What’s college?

JASON.   Look, I’m glad you’re here. We need to talk, and I thought you two should meet. Honey, come here a minute, I want you to meet Boogie. The Bogeyman. And Boogie, this is… oh…

BABE.    He doesn’t know.

BOOGIE.  He doesn’t know your name?

BABE.    He doesn’t need to know.

BOOGIE.  Then why are you here?

BABE.    I’m always here. Every night. From now on.

(She goes into her dance. It ain’t disco.)

BOOGIE.  Somebody tell me what’s going on?

JASON.   Here’s the thing… I’m really sorry to have to do this, but… Okay, since I went off to college, I’ve been getting a lot less sleep and… There’s just not room for both of you in my dreams anymore.

BABE.    Uh oh, looks like we’re downsizing, Pooh Bear.

BOOGIE.  Oh, no! I’m staying the same size. I worked hard to get this big, I’m not shrinking for nobody. Make her lose the weight.

JASON.   You don’t understand–

BABE.    Oh, he’s adorable. Are you sure we can’t keep him? We could use an ottoman.

BOOGIE.  Why does she keep saying "we"?

JASON.   Look, Boogie, you’ve been giving me bad dreams since I was a kid.

BOOGIE.  That’s right, we go way back. Remember the time you were on vacation with your parents in Florida and you guys stayed at that fancy motel by the freeway with the hot tub next to the swimming pool, and when you fell asleep I turned into a shark and ate your Mom and Dad and you woke up crying?

JASON.   Yeah.

BOOGIE.  (laughing) And you were so scared, your parents had to let you crawl in bed with them before you’d go back to sleep. And when you finally did, I was waiting there in your dreams with a 44 ounce soda and a big bag of Skittles to show you there were no hard feelings. And we spent the rest of the night just chillin’ by the motel pool until you fell asleep in the hot tub, and I left you in there! (laughing:) And you–and you–You wet the bed!

JASON.   Yeah, that was pretty memorable.

BOOGIE.  He wet his parents’ bed! Ha ha ha! In their bed!!

JASON.   Yeah, that was scary. When I was six.

BOOGIE.  Oh, come on, that kind of terror is timeless. Listen, I brought the penguins. Whattaya say we get started?

BABE.    You’re afraid of penguins?

JASON.   Boogie, don’t give her ideas.

BOOGIE.  He’s afraid of penguins!!

JASON.   I was little. They tried to bite me.

BOOGIE.  On his nethers!!

JASON.   I was afraid of penguins when I was little, but I’m not any more. I grew out of it.

BOOGIE.  (running in place behind Jason:) Quack! Qua-qua-quack!

JASON.   And that’s the point. I’m not a kid anymore. I’m in college. So from now on she’s going to be the one giving me bad dreams, okay?

BOOGIE.  Her? She’s not scary.

JASON.   Trust me, she is.

BABE.    Baby, I missed my period.

JASON.   Could you wait?

BOOGIE.  What could she possibly do in a million years, that I can’t do, ten gazillion times better?

JASON.   I really don’t want you doing the things she can do.

BOOGIE.  Like what? Name one!

JASON.   I don’t even want to think about you doing some of the things she’s gonna do.

BOOGIE.  Does she kick you in the nuts? Cuz I’ll do that. No problem.

BABE.    Oh, I’ve got other plans for his nuts.

BOOGIE.  What? Fire? Vicegrip? Beetles?

JASON.   Okay, stop!! Stop making plans for my nuts.

BABE.    Candlewax.

BOOGIE.  Candlewax? What’s scary about candles?

BABE.    I didn’t say, candles, but, ooh, that’s a good idea, too.

JASON.   No, it’s not! Boogie, I really don’t want to discuss this, and neither do you. Trust me.

BOOGIE.  (handing her a candle:) All right, look, here’s a candle. Show me.

JASON.   Boogie, this isn’t about candles.

(Babe goes behind Jason.)

BOOGIE.  Where’s she going?

BABE.    First you get it real moist. So there’s less chafing. (licks the candle)

JASON.   Okay, give me that. (snatches away the candle)

BOOGIE.  (shrugs) I still don’t get it.

JASON.   Look, Boogie, it’s over. You have to go. Don’t make this any worse.

BOOGIE.  But making things worse is what I do.

JASON.   (firmly:) Just go. (sotto voce:) Seriously, I’m begging you.

BOOGIE.  So I don’t scare you anymore? Is that what you’re saying?

JASON.   Yes, you do. But she scares me more.

BABE.    (wraps her arms around Jason, coyly:) What are you thinkin’?

JASON.   Baby…

BOOGIE.  He’s thinking about penguins.

JASON.   No, I’m not! I’m sorry, Boogie. Goodbye.

BOOGIE.  No, wait, you can’t just let me go like this. I don’t have to do penguins and swimming pools. You want grown up stuff, I can do grown up stuff. College is like high school, right? You know I’m great at school terrors. You remember the time I went to school with you, and when we got there, they called a big assembly in the gym. And when you walked into the room… and I pantsed you in front of the whole school? Ha ha ha!

JASON.   Yeah, you really liked that one.

BOOGIE.  I mean, what if that happened in the quad in front of the girls dorm? That would be bad, right?

BABE.    Yes and no.

BOOGIE.  The whole school was staring at you and laughing, remember? The cheerleaders and the girls’ swim team and the faculty and… waitaminute. (to Babe:) That’s where I know you from!

BABE.    What?

BOOGIE.  I thought you looked familiar. You were the new drama teacher.

BABE.    Sex education, but close.

BOOGIE.  (perplexed) But for some reason you were dressed like one of the cheerleaders that day.

BABE.    That’s where Jason and I met.

BOOGIE.  You met her in one of my nightmares?

JASON.   I’m sorry, Boogie. It just happened.

BOOGIE.  So is that where you disappeared off to? I turned around for one minute and you were gone. I thought you ran home crying.

BABE.    No, I took him up to my office to wait for his mother to pick him up.

JASON.   He doesn’t need to know the details.

BABE.    He looked cold, so I let him wear my cheerleader outfit.

BOOGIE.  …Then what were you wearing?

BABE.    (shrugs) Whoops.

BOOGIE.  Waitaminute… I see where this is going. You’re not here to give him bad dreams.

JASON.   Yes, yes, she is.

BOOGIE.  You’re here to give him nasty dreams.

JASON.   No, they’re bad, believe me.

BOOGIE.  No, no, no, I’m not falling for that. I wasn’t born yesternight. She’s not here to scare you. She’s here to give you undertickles. That’s it, isn’t it?

JASON.   Boogie, this is not how it looks.

BABE.    Would you like to see how it looks?

BOOGIE.  Ew! Ugh! That’s disgusting! You’re both disgusting!

JASON.   I tried to warn you.

BABE.    Okay, fine! You want a little nookie with your nightmares, you go right ahead, but I’m not leaving. I’ll wear a blindfold if I have to, but I’m staying. You still need me to scare the bejeezus out of you. Otherwise you’ll be walkin’ around all day, chock full of pent-up jeezus, and that’s not good for anyone. You know that.

JASON.   Boogie, please, don’t do this.

BOOGIE.  Nuh uh, no. She doesn’t scare you like I do. And she never will. I’m not leaving you in the hands of someone who won’t even make you wet yourself.

BABE.    Oh, he’ll be wet.

BOOGIE.  Bull-caca! Prove it!

BABE.    Ooh, Teddy wants to watch.

BOOGIE.  Show me what you got, sister.

BABE.    All right…

JASON.   This really isn’t necessary.

BABE.    Baby, remember that place by the lake that your parents used to send you every summer?

BOOGIE.  Camp Minnewakka! That place was great.

BABE.    There was a beautiful sand beach on the far side of the lake.

BOOGIE.  Over by the girl’s camp! We used to sneak over there at night and put worms in their panties! Remember?

BABE.    You lost your virginity on that beach.

BOOGIE.  Wait–What–Where was I?

BABE.    We could go down to that beach tonight and reminisce. I could let you put sun tan lotion on my back.

BOOGIE.  Why do you need sun tan lotion at night?

JASON.   Boogie, ssh!

BOOGIE.  Amateurs!

BABE.    Or how about a hot oil massage?

JASON.   Oh, yeah…

BOOGIE.  And then set him on fire. I like where you’re going with this.

BABE.    You could lie on your back in the sand, and I could rub you down, and down, and down. I’ll massage every inch of your body. And I won’t even use my hands.

JASON.   Oh…

BABE.    And then when you’re nothing but a puddle of limp muscles, I’ll turn my attention to the one part of you that isn’t limp. Or a muscle.

JASON.   Oh my…

BABE.    Feel your body sinking into the warm sand. My body sinking into your body.

BOOGIE.  That’s weird. My fur itches.

(Boogie scratches himself down there.)

BABE.    And then, when you’re almost at the point of no return…

JASON.   Yes… Yes…

BOOGIE.  Yeah?

BABE.    You’ve heard of vaginal dentata?

JASON.   Huh–?

BOOGIE.  Whoa, that sounds dental!

BABE.    Yes!

JASON.   No!

BOOGIE.  Teeth?

BABE.    Chomp!

JASON.   Oh! Ow!

BOOGIE.  Teeth in her cooter?

BABE.    Yes!

JASON.   Nooo!

BABE.    Oh, Baby, I could just eat you up.

JASON.   (feeling it:) No… Noo…

BOOGIE.  Yow!! I didn’t see that coming.

BABE.    Chew and chew and never spit you out.

JASON.   Ow, stop! Don’t! Stop!

BABE.    You like a girl who swallows, don’t you?

JASON.   Ah! No! Let go!

BOOGIE.  Holy watusi!

BABE.    And then…

BOOGIE.  There’s more?!

BABE.    When he’s hanging on by a tendril…

JASON.   Oh God! Oh, God!

BOOGIE.  Yes? Yes??

BABE.    I bet you’re wondering why I wear this mask.

BOOGIE.  Oh, awesome, you’re disfigured under there?

BABE.    Nope.

BOOGIE.  Or like bugs for a face?

BABE.    No, worse.

BOOGIE.  Or you’ve got bleeding snakes for skin, and drooling pus from your eyes?

BABE.    Not even close.

BOOGIE.  What’s worse than pus eyes?

BABE.    You want to know what’s worse?

BOOGIE.  Yes! Yes!

JASON.   No!

BABE.    When I’ve chewed him almost down to the nub…


JASON.   Yes! No, I mean, no!

BABE.    I reach up with my dry hand…

JASON.   Oh, no. Oh God.

BOOGIE.  I can’t even look.

BABE.    And tear off my mask. (She does.)

JASON.   (looks away:) Nooooo!!

BOOGIE.  (looks away:) Nooo!

(Her face looks normal. Boogie is the first to uncover his eyes.)

BOOGIE.  Wait–What the– There’s nothing wrong with your face! How is that supposed to scare him?

BABE.    Baby?

(Jason uncovers his eyes.)

JASON.   …Mom??

BOOGIE.  "Mom"?

JASON.   (screams:) Mom!?!

BABE.    Sweetie…

JASON.   Oh God!

BOOGIE.  Oh, yuck!

JASON.   Oh! Agh!


JASON.   Noooo!

(She chases him around the stage a bit, laughing.)

BABE.    Ha ha ha ha ha!

JASON.   (hides behind Boogie:) Get her away from me!

BOOGIE.  (to Babe:) Oh, wow. You are good. I want to shake your hand. Well, maybe not that hand. But my hat is off to you. Wow. I never imagined. That was impressive. I think he’s in really good hands with you. And not just the hands. Wow. Seriously. You had me at vaginal dentata. Congratulations! Well, kid, good luck.

JASON.   No! Don’t go!

BOOGIE.  (exiting:) That was– Wow. I got goosebumps. (shivers) OooOOooh…

JASON.   No! Don’t leave me! Don’t leave me with her! Boogieeeeeee!

BABE.    Ha ha ha ha ha!