Im His Bogeyman
by Jeff Goode
copyright © 2007
(A WOMAN in dominatrix outfit and a small black mask is waiting for someone, perhaps drinking a latte. Enter, behind her, a BIG SCARY MONSTER.)
BOOGIE. Hee hee. (tiptoeing up behind her:) Dum dum dum dum dum BOO!!
BABE. (turns, startled) Ow! Agh!
BOOGIE. (upon seeing her, is startled, also) Yagh! What the whozits?!
BABE. Jesus Christ, whatd you do that for?!
BOOGIE. Whoa, sorry!
BABE. You almost made me spill my latte.
BOOGIE. I thought you were someone else.
BABE. This is leather, you prick.
BOOGIE. Theres no need for swears, I said I was sorry.
BABE. You should be, you despicable little troll.
BOOGIE. Hey! I am not little.
BABE. I wasnt talking about your bra-size, pencil dick!
BABE. Never mind. Just stay away from me.
BOOGIE. Fine. You stay away from me.
(They both wait for whoever theyre waiting for.)
BOOGIE. Youre not staying away from me.
BABE. I was here first.
BOOGIE. (petulant:) Nuh uh. I was here yesterday.
BABE. Were not talking about yesterday.
BOOGIE. I was here the day before yesterday!
BABE. Im here now.
BOOGIE. This is my spot. Im here every night. Always.
BABE. Im not leaving.
BOOGIE. You better!!
BABE. Im waiting for someone.
BABE. And Im not leaving till they get here.
BOOGIE. Oh. Okay. Sorry. (pause) Me, too. Im waiting for someone.
(They both wait.)
BOOGIE. You look familiar.
BABE. Im not.
BOOGIE. Im Boogie. (offers to shake hands)
BOOGIE. Thats a nice name. Are you a magician?
BABE. Thats not my name.
BOOGIE. Oh... Mines Boogie.
BABE. (annoyed) Yeah.
BOOGIE. What are you supposed to be, some kind of superhero?
BOOGIE. Me, neither.
BOOGIE. Im a big scary monster.
BABE. Yeah, I got that.
BOOGIE. Youre not waiting for me, are you?
BABE. You? Ha!
BOOGIE. Whats that supposed to mean?
BABE. In your dreams.
BOOGIE. (confused) What do you call this?
BABE. Youre not him.
BABE. The person Im waiting for.
BOOGIE. Yknow, Im the only one who ever comes here. This is my spot. Im here every night.
BOOGIE. I think youre waiting for me. And you just dont know it.
BABE. I think youre hallucinating.
BOOGIE. Oh yeah? (rolls up his sleeves) Well, well see whos hallucinating.
(He goes into his Boogie Man dance.)
BABE. What are you doing?
BOOGIE. Pretty scary, huh?
BABE. Disturbing, yes. But scary? Yes.
BOOGIE. Well, Im just getting warmed up.
(He jumps behind her and starts running in place.)
BABE. Now what?
BOOGIE. Im chasing you up a hill. That never seems to get to the top.
BABE. Well, stop it.
BOOGIE. Ill never stop. Im always coming. Getting closer. Closer. Now a little further. But now Im catching up again. Almost got you. Right behind you. Almost there. You cant escape.
BABE. What if I kick you in the nuts?
BOOGIE. What?! Gee whiskers, lady, would you watch it with the potty words?
(She kicks him in the nuts. He falls over.)
BABE. Fuck off! You mean like that?
BOOGIE. Now youre gonna get it! (picking himself up) You have fudged up, lady. Big time!
BABE. As long as its fudge.
BOOGIE. Do you know who I am?
BABE. Faggot in a bear suit?
BOOGIE. Jeecriminy! Could you can it with the cussbombs?
BABE. Pussy in a beaver suit. Is that better?
BOOGIE. All right, thats it!
(He goes into his Boogie dance again.)
BABE. Why do you keep doing that?
BOOGIE. Im about to become your worst nightmare.
BABE. I doubt that. My worst nightmare is a lot itchier. And fits in my pants.
BOOGIE. Ew! Ugh. Yuck! Oh, thats awful. Now Im gonna have that in my head all night.
BABE. Just doing my job.
BOOGIE. Your job? Waitaminute. Who are you?
BABE. None of your business.
BOOGIE. What kind of bull-caca is that? It is my business. This is my dream.
BABE. Wait, youre Jason? Oh, Im sorry, I didnt know. I didnt recognize you in that in that What happened to you?
BOOGIE. No, Im not Jason! But Im the one that gives Jason nightmares, and that makes me the top dog around here.
BABE. (relieved:) But youre not Jason, thank God. Cuz if I had to wrap my snatch around that, this really would be my worst nightmare.
BABE. If you have to ask, you cant afford it.
BOOGIE. Wait, how do you know Jason?
JASON. Hi, sorry Im late. I was up cramming for a midterm
JASON. Oh shit.
BOOGIE. Spit is right. Youre gonna pay for making me wait here with this b-witch.
(He goes into his Boogie dance.)
JASON. Oh boy
BABE. (to Jason:) Baby, why is he doing that?
BOOGIE. Waitaminute. Who are you calling "Baby"?
JASON. Its a dance. He thinks
BOOGIE. It scares the bejumpers out of him. Ever since he was a little kid.
JASON. No, it doesnt. (to Boogie:) Ive been trying to tell you. When I was a little kid, I heard that song "Im Your Boogie Man" and I thought it was about a real bogey man, so I thought it was your song, and you just started doing it. But it doesnt scare me. It never has.
BOOGIE. (Beat, then ) You dont fool me that easy. (He boogies more.) Im not falling for the old "I aint afraid of disco" trick.
(Boogie dances. Babe tries to undress Jason.)
BABE. Baby, I missed you sooo much. Lets get you out of those awful clothes.
JASON. Sweetie, please
BABE. I want to lick you sooo bad.
BOOGIE. Hey! Whats going on here? You two are awful friendly.
JASON. I can explain. (to Babe:) Honey, hold on.
BABE. Im sorry, Baby, youre right. You go talk to your puppy.
BOOGIE. Puppy!? Ill have you know I am a giant whatever-I-am. (to Jason:) Jason, what am I?
JASON. (taking him aside:) Boogie
BOOGIE. (to Babe:) You see that? Were on a first name basis. (to Jason:) Who is she? She scares me.
JASON. I know
BOOGIE. You left me here with her.
JASON. I know, Im sorry, Ive been staying up late now that Im in college.
BOOGIE. Whats college?
JASON. Look, Im glad youre here. We need to talk, and I thought you two should meet. Honey, come here a minute, I want you to meet Boogie. The Bogeyman. And Boogie, this is oh
BABE. He doesnt know.
BOOGIE. He doesnt know your name?
BABE. He doesnt need to know.
BOOGIE. Then why are you here?
BABE. Im always here. Every night. From now on.
(She goes into her dance. It aint disco.)
BOOGIE. Somebody tell me whats going on?
JASON. Heres the thing Im really sorry to have to do this, but Okay, since I went off to college, Ive been getting a lot less sleep and Theres just not room for both of you in my dreams anymore.
BABE. Uh oh, looks like were downsizing, Pooh Bear.
BOOGIE. Oh, no! Im staying the same size. I worked hard to get this big, Im not shrinking for nobody. Make her lose the weight.
JASON. You dont understand
BABE. Oh, hes adorable. Are you sure we cant keep him? We could use an ottoman.
BOOGIE. Why does she keep saying "we"?
JASON. Look, Boogie, youve been giving me bad dreams since I was a kid.
BOOGIE. Thats right, we go way back. Remember the time you were on vacation with your parents in Florida and you guys stayed at that fancy motel by the freeway with the hot tub next to the swimming pool, and when you fell asleep I turned into a shark and ate your Mom and Dad and you woke up crying?
BOOGIE. (laughing) And you were so scared, your parents had to let you crawl in bed with them before youd go back to sleep. And when you finally did, I was waiting there in your dreams with a 44 ounce soda and a big bag of Skittles to show you there were no hard feelings. And we spent the rest of the night just chillin by the motel pool until you fell asleep in the hot tub, and I left you in there! (laughing:) And youand youYou wet the bed!
JASON. Yeah, that was pretty memorable.
BOOGIE. He wet his parents bed! Ha ha ha! In their bed!!
JASON. Yeah, that was scary. When I was six.
BOOGIE. Oh, come on, that kind of terror is timeless. Listen, I brought the penguins. Whattaya say we get started?
BABE. Youre afraid of penguins?
JASON. Boogie, dont give her ideas.
BOOGIE. Hes afraid of penguins!!
JASON. I was little. They tried to bite me.
BOOGIE. On his nethers!!
JASON. I was afraid of penguins when I was little, but Im not any more. I grew out of it.
BOOGIE. (running in place behind Jason:) Quack! Qua-qua-quack!
JASON. And thats the point. Im not a kid anymore. Im in college. So from now on shes going to be the one giving me bad dreams, okay?
BOOGIE. Her? Shes not scary.
JASON. Trust me, she is.
BABE. Baby, I missed my period.
JASON. Could you wait?
BOOGIE. What could she possibly do in a million years, that I cant do, ten gazillion times better?
JASON. I really dont want you doing the things she can do.
BOOGIE. Like what? Name one!
JASON. I dont even want to think about you doing some of the things shes gonna do.
BOOGIE. Does she kick you in the nuts? Cuz Ill do that. No problem.
BABE. Oh, Ive got other plans for his nuts.
BOOGIE. What? Fire? Vicegrip? Beetles?
JASON. Okay, stop!! Stop making plans for my nuts.
BOOGIE. Candlewax? Whats scary about candles?
BABE. I didnt say, candles, but, ooh, thats a good idea, too.
JASON. No, its not! Boogie, I really dont want to discuss this, and neither do you. Trust me.
BOOGIE. (handing her a candle:) All right, look, heres a candle. Show me.
JASON. Boogie, this isnt about candles.
(Babe goes behind Jason.)
BOOGIE. Wheres she going?
BABE. First you get it real moist. So theres less chafing. (licks the candle)
JASON. Okay, give me that. (snatches away the candle)
BOOGIE. (shrugs) I still dont get it.
JASON. Look, Boogie, its over. You have to go. Dont make this any worse.
BOOGIE. But making things worse is what I do.
JASON. (firmly:) Just go. (sotto voce:) Seriously, Im begging you.
BOOGIE. So I dont scare you anymore? Is that what youre saying?
JASON. Yes, you do. But she scares me more.
BABE. (wraps her arms around Jason, coyly:) What are you thinkin?
BOOGIE. Hes thinking about penguins.
JASON. No, Im not! Im sorry, Boogie. Goodbye.
BOOGIE. No, wait, you cant just let me go like this. I dont have to do penguins and swimming pools. You want grown up stuff, I can do grown up stuff. College is like high school, right? You know Im great at school terrors. You remember the time I went to school with you, and when we got there, they called a big assembly in the gym. And when you walked into the room and I pantsed you in front of the whole school? Ha ha ha!
JASON. Yeah, you really liked that one.
BOOGIE. I mean, what if that happened in the quad in front of the girls dorm? That would be bad, right?
BABE. Yes and no.
BOOGIE. The whole school was staring at you and laughing, remember? The cheerleaders and the girls swim team and the faculty and waitaminute. (to Babe:) Thats where I know you from!
BOOGIE. I thought you looked familiar. You were the new drama teacher.
BABE. Sex education, but close.
BOOGIE. (perplexed) But for some reason you were dressed like one of the cheerleaders that day.
BABE. Thats where Jason and I met.
BOOGIE. You met her in one of my nightmares?
JASON. Im sorry, Boogie. It just happened.
BOOGIE. So is that where you disappeared off to? I turned around for one minute and you were gone. I thought you ran home crying.
BABE. No, I took him up to my office to wait for his mother to pick him up.
JASON. He doesnt need to know the details.
BABE. He looked cold, so I let him wear my cheerleader outfit.
BOOGIE. Then what were you wearing?
BABE. (shrugs) Whoops.
BOOGIE. Waitaminute I see where this is going. Youre not here to give him bad dreams.
JASON. Yes, yes, she is.
BOOGIE. Youre here to give him nasty dreams.
JASON. No, theyre bad, believe me.
BOOGIE. No, no, no, Im not falling for that. I wasnt born yesternight. Shes not here to scare you. Shes here to give you undertickles. Thats it, isnt it?
JASON. Boogie, this is not how it looks.
BABE. Would you like to see how it looks?
BOOGIE. Ew! Ugh! Thats disgusting! Youre both disgusting!
JASON. I tried to warn you.
BABE. Okay, fine! You want a little nookie with your nightmares, you go right ahead, but Im not leaving. Ill wear a blindfold if I have to, but Im staying. You still need me to scare the bejeezus out of you. Otherwise youll be walkin around all day, chock full of pent-up jeezus, and thats not good for anyone. You know that.
JASON. Boogie, please, dont do this.
BOOGIE. Nuh uh, no. She doesnt scare you like I do. And she never will. Im not leaving you in the hands of someone who wont even make you wet yourself.
BABE. Oh, hell be wet.
BOOGIE. Bull-caca! Prove it!
BABE. Ooh, Teddy wants to watch.
BOOGIE. Show me what you got, sister.
BABE. All right
JASON. This really isnt necessary.
BABE. Baby, remember that place by the lake that your parents used to send you every summer?
BOOGIE. Camp Minnewakka! That place was great.
BABE. There was a beautiful sand beach on the far side of the lake.
BOOGIE. Over by the girls camp! We used to sneak over there at night and put worms in their panties! Remember?
BABE. You lost your virginity on that beach.
BOOGIE. WaitWhatWhere was I?
BABE. We could go down to that beach tonight and reminisce. I could let you put sun tan lotion on my back.
BOOGIE. Why do you need sun tan lotion at night?
JASON. Boogie, ssh!
BABE. Or how about a hot oil massage?
JASON. Oh, yeah
BOOGIE. And then set him on fire. I like where youre going with this.
BABE. You could lie on your back in the sand, and I could rub you down, and down, and down. Ill massage every inch of your body. And I wont even use my hands.
BABE. And then when youre nothing but a puddle of limp muscles, Ill turn my attention to the one part of you that isnt limp. Or a muscle.
JASON. Oh my
BABE. Feel your body sinking into the warm sand. My body sinking into your body.
BOOGIE. Thats weird. My fur itches.
(Boogie scratches himself down there.)
BABE. And then, when youre almost at the point of no return
JASON. Yes Yes
BABE. Youve heard of vaginal dentata?
BOOGIE. Whoa, that sounds dental!
JASON. Oh! Ow!
BOOGIE. Teeth in her cooter?
BABE. Oh, Baby, I could just eat you up.
JASON. (feeling it:) No Noo
BOOGIE. Yow!! I didnt see that coming.
BABE. Chew and chew and never spit you out.
JASON. Ow, stop! Dont! Stop!
BABE. You like a girl who swallows, dont you?
JASON. Ah! No! Let go!
BOOGIE. Holy watusi!
BABE. And then
BOOGIE. Theres more?!
BABE. When hes hanging on by a tendril
JASON. Oh God! Oh, God!
BOOGIE. Yes? Yes??
BABE. I bet youre wondering why I wear this mask.
BOOGIE. Oh, awesome, youre disfigured under there?
BOOGIE. Or like bugs for a face?
BABE. No, worse.
BOOGIE. Or youve got bleeding snakes for skin, and drooling pus from your eyes?
BABE. Not even close.
BOOGIE. Whats worse than pus eyes?
BABE. You want to know whats worse?
BOOGIE. Yes! Yes!
BABE. When Ive chewed him almost down to the nub
JASON. Yes! No, I mean, no!
BABE. I reach up with my dry hand
JASON. Oh, no. Oh God.
BOOGIE. I cant even look.
BABE. And tear off my mask. (She does.)
JASON. (looks away:) Nooooo!!
BOOGIE. (looks away:) Nooo!
(Her face looks normal. Boogie is the first to uncover his eyes.)
BOOGIE. WaitWhat the Theres nothing wrong with your face! How is that supposed to scare him?
(Jason uncovers his eyes.)
JASON. (screams:) Mom!?!
JASON. Oh God!
BOOGIE. Oh, yuck!
JASON. Oh! Agh!
(She chases him around the stage a bit, laughing.)
BABE. Ha ha ha ha ha!
JASON. (hides behind Boogie:) Get her away from me!
BOOGIE. (to Babe:) Oh, wow. You are good. I want to shake your hand. Well, maybe not that hand. But my hat is off to you. Wow. I never imagined. That was impressive. I think hes in really good hands with you. And not just the hands. Wow. Seriously. You had me at vaginal dentata. Congratulations! Well, kid, good luck.
JASON. No! Dont go!
BOOGIE. (exiting:) That was Wow. I got goosebumps. (shivers) OooOOooh
JASON. No! Dont leave me! Dont leave me with her! Boogieeeeeee!
BABE. Ha ha ha ha ha!
END OF PLAY© 2007 Jeff Goode - THIS SCRIPT IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR