Bush 2000 by Jeff Goode

Bush 2000

by Jeff Goode

(October 26th, 2005.)
(A lit candle.)

Tonight we celebrate the 2000th U.S. combat death in Iraq.

I say "celebrate" because this was, after all, what we set out to do in the first place.

Back before all the retroactive re-imagineering of our original reason for going to war:

Back before we were doing it to spread Freedom.

Before we were bringing Democracy to the Middle East.

Before we were fighting terrorism and/or liberating Iraqi women.

Before we were in it for regime change.

And before we were after weapons of mass destruction.

Even before we — paradoxically — did it to help the United Nations punish Saddam Hussein for disobeying the United Nations.

And, of course, there’s the #1 "original" reason for going to war: Because-we-already-started-a-war-so-it’s-time-to-stop-fuckin’-around-and-support-the-troops-Booyah!

Lost in the shuffle of the Bush administration’s attempts to distract us from the fact that nobody supports any of the new "original" reasons for going to Iraq, because they all sound like we made ‘em up after the war had started.

Is the fact that there was originally, and I mean, literally "originally" — one clear, concise and cohesive reason for going to war in Iraq — that everyone knew about, and any American could get behind.

(Turns the page)

September 11^th was a terrible day in our nation’s history.

So terrible that we would be willing to do absolutely anything to prevent it from ever happening again. Anything — up to, and including, but certainly not limited to — attacking anyone who stands in our way — anyone who stands off to the side of our way — anyone who isn’t already in our bandwagon and leading the way — Invading our enemies, Boycotting our friends, Bombing the hell out of whoever and whatever needed the hell bombed out of it; Rounding up people and putting them in camps — calling them "evil doers", if need be, but getting them into those god damn camps - Torturing our prisoners, Turning against our allies, Betraying our own covert agents — and sacrificing, if necessary, our own freedoms of speech, the press, assembly, and religion; (breath) right to privacy, due process and a fair trial.

After September 11^th, we had to do anything and everything imaginable to prevent another September 11^th. Even if that meant sending 2000 Americans to die in Iraq. And the sooner the better.

Some people this week are saying that 2000 is just an arbitrary number. But that’s not true at all.

Because 2000...is roughly the number of people who died in the World Trade Center. And if we can prevent 2000 more Americans from dying like that, at the hands of terrorists, then we should gladly invade, Iran, Iraq, Libya, France… Hell, we’ll take out England itself if it will keep 2000 Americans from being killed in a terrorist attack on U.S. soil.

Now, 2 years later, we’ve achieved that goal. 2000 Americans are dead. But they did not die on American soil. They didn’t take American buildings with them. And, unlike the victims in the World Trade Center, they didn’t die needlessly.

No, we needed them to die, so that Iraqis would not be able to develop a nuclear weapon which they were not trying to develop, and use it to kill another 2000 Americans that we thought they were trying to kill. And that’s what makes it all worth it.

We needed those Americans to be dead so that 2000 other Americans would not have to die in a hypothetical terrorist attack. That we had thought of.

Unfortunately, some people think this means that the War in Iraq has not prevented the deaths of 2000 more Americans. It has accelerated it. Over the past 2 years, we’ve sent Americans to their death, far more quickly than terrorists could come over here and get ‘em.

But that is exactly the point: Those 2000 Americans did not die in vain, because they have prevented every single terrorist attack that has not happened in the last 2 years, because the War in Iraq has succeeded in distracting the terrorists on their own turf.

Why would terrorists waste time and energy smuggling their footsoldiers over here, when our president has conveniently arranged for them to be able to kill American’s in their own back yard?

I bet we saved Al Qaeda a shit load of money on travel expenses alone last year by transporting our citizens over there to be killed.

But don’t worry, they’ll pay for it in the end...

Without those airline receipts to use as a tax deduction, they’re in for a whopping IRS bill this year. Unless of course the President succeeds in making his tax cuts permanent.

In which case, it’s win/win for everybody!

Except, of course the 2000 American dead. They get a candle.

(Lights fade.)