Gnome and...?

by Jeff Goode

copyright © 2010

LIGHTS UP on JEROME.

ENTER a SEXY GNOME.

GNOME
What are you doing?

JEROME
Waiting for you.

GNOME
Why aren't you ready?

JEROME
I am. I've been waiting.

GNOME
You're not even dressed.

JEROME
I'm completely dressed.

GNOME
But you're not in costume.

JEROME
What?

GNOME
You're supposed to be getting in costume for the party.

JEROME
Oh.

GNOME
Phoebe's Halloween party.

JEROME
We're still going to that?

GNOME
You do this every year.

JEROME
I know, but I thought after last year--

GNOME
You're going to the party!!

JEROME
No, that's cool. Let's do it.

GNOME
You don't have a costume.

JEROME
How do you know?

GNOME
Because you're right there. You're not invisible! In case that's what you're going for.

JEROME
I'm in costume.

GNOME
What are you?

JEROME
Just because you don't get my costume, doesn't mean it isn't--

GNOME
What is it, then?

JEROME
You're one to talk. Where's your costume?

GNOME
What? This is it!

JEROME
What? That?

GNOME
This!

JEROME
That's your costume?

GNOME
Yes!

JEROME
No, but I mean... You're wearing that?

GNOME
What's wrong with this?

JEROME
No, it's great. It's just, I thought that was just for me.

GNOME
What? Why?

JEROME
You're very sexy.

GNOME
I'm a gnome.

JEROME
A sexy one.

GNOME
It's Halloween.

JEROME
No, I get it. What are you supposed to be?

(Withering pause.)

GNOME
I just told you.

JEROME
Sorry. I'm having trouble focusing. With the, you know, sexy.

GNOME
What am I?

JEROME
I just thought... I didn't think you were gonna go out in that. I just thought that was for us.

GNOME
What am I?!?

JEROME
You're a sexy... a very sexy... one of those.

GNOME
I'm a fucking gnome!

JEROME
Right, no, I totally get it. Like a gnome that fucks.

GNOME
I'm a gnome. What the hell is wrong with you? Look at my hat. Look at my little boots. What is sexy about that?

JEROME
Well, it's the way you wear it.

GNOME
You're a pig.

JEROME
Look, let's just go to the party.

GNOME
We can't go to the party now. You don't have a costume.

JEROME
I have a costume.

GNOME
That's not a costume.

JEROME
I'll have a costume when we get there.

GNOME
No. We are not gonna stop and pull something out of a dumpster again.

JEROME
I'm not. I have it all figured out. Trust me.

GNOME
I want to see it.

JEROME
When we get there.

GNOME
No, now. I want to see it right now or we're not going anywhere.

JEROME
All right. Turn your back.

GNOME
No.

JEROME
Cover your eyes.

GNOME
No.

JEROME
You're spoiling the surprise.

GNOME
Yeah, you know, you could stand to be less surprising.

JEROME
Okay, fine.

(He removes his shirt.)

GNOME
What are you doing?

JEROME
Ta da!

GNOME
You are not invisible!

JEROME
Are you happy now?

GNOME
What part of this do you think would make me happy?

JEROME
This. My costume.

(It says "CLATURE" on his chest.)

GNOME
What costume?

JEROME
If you're not even going to try--

GNOME
What are you supposed to be? What does that say on your chest? "Clatoor"?

JEROME
It's pronounced "clature".

GNOME
Clature.

JEROME
I'm a sexy clature.

GNOME
What's a clature?

JEROME
I don't know.

GNOME
You don't know what it is. But you decided to go as one for Halloween?

JEROME
A sexy one.

GNOME
What is sexy about a clature?

JEROME
Well, he's topless.

GNOME
Okay, this is ridiculous.

JEROME
Hey, do you know how hard it is to spell "clature" in a mirror?

GNOME
So not only did you not come up with a costume. But you also put some time into planning it.

JEROME
I thought you'd like it.

GNOME
What's not to like? You didn't come up with a costume. But you're going as a clature. Which you don't know what it is. And I don't know what it is. And neither does anyone else. But you decided to go as one anyway and wrote on your chest with a sharpie.

JEROME
Backwards.

GNOME
And I'm supposed to be happy because what? We're gonna show up at Phoebe's who plans all year for these things. And she's gonna take one look at us and be like, 'What are you guys supposed to be?" And we'll be like, "Oh, isn't it obvious? We're a gnome and clature."

(Silence.)

JEROME
A sexy--

GNOME
Get in the car.

BLACKOUT