Creepy Street by Jeff Goode

Creepy Street

by Jeff Goode

(Enter TWO TRICK-OR-TREATERS. They wear Halloween masks, so they could be any age--or gender for that matter--but they are probably a couple of teenagers who are perhaps a little too old to be trick-or-treating.)

PIPER
Dude, where did you go?

KENYA
I had to pee!

PIPER
That's too much information.

KENYA
You asked.

PIPER
Are you crazy? You can't just go off like that. It's not safe.

KENYA
Did you want to go with me?

PIPER
Yuck! No!

KENYA
Well, then?

PIPER
My mom would kill me if she thought I went off alone.

KENYA
Your mom's a psycho.

PIPER
And she'd kill you if she thought you went off alone and left me.

KENYA
I didn't leave you. I came back.

PIPER
This time. But you know what they've been saying.

KENYA
What who's been saying?

PIPER
They say we gotta stick together tonight on account of what's been happening.

KENYA
Why? What's happening?

PIPER
What's happening is that last year they caught this guy who was giving out Xbox cartridges in this neighborhood instead of candy.

KENYA
Sweet! Where's his house?

PIPER
You're not paying attention. He was giving out Xbox cartridges to kids if you let him grope you.

KENYA
That's creepy. Okay, so let's not go there.

PIPER
Why not?

KENYA
Because you said he was a creepy groper.

PIPER
Do you want a game cartridge or not?

KENYA
I don't know. Is it the new ones?

PIPER
How should I know? That was last year. He could have all different ones by now.

KENYA
Wait a minute. So you went to his house before?

PIPER
Yeah, everybody did. That's the point!

KENYA
So did anything happen?

PIPER
It's not like I went into the creepy closet with him.--That's what he called it.

KENYA
The Creepy Closet? Did it have, like, cobwebs and spiders and stuff?

PIPER
I don't know, I didn't go in.

KENYA
Then how did you get your Xbox?

PIPER
You just let him hug you a little bit on the front doorstep. It's nothing. Or in the foyer.

KENYA
Ugh! Gross.

PIPER
Of course, it was gross. But it's no worse than getting kissed by my slobbery Aunt Esther every Thanksgiving. Or a wedgie from your stinky Uncle Frankie.

KENYA
I'm starting to think he's not my real uncle.

PIPER
The worst part is, I was in such a hurry to get out of there, it wasn't till I got down the block that I realized I got one I already had. So I had to go back. That was gross because when you go back, he tries to kiss you.

KENYA
Oh, yuck! Please, I'm trying to eat candy.

PIPER
You're not going to eat that?!

KENYA
I think I've earned it. I didn't spend all this time out here to not eat it.

PIPER
Well, you shouldn't touch any of it until you've X-rayed it. People put poison in that stuff.

KENYA
How is an X-ray going to help with poison?

PIPER
That's not the point.

KENYA
What's the point then?

PIPER
That if you don't X-ray your candy and be careful, they figure out you're an easy victim, and then they target you. Cuz if you're not checking for X-rays, they know they can get away with anything--poison, anthrax, razor blades.

KENYA
You're paranoid.

PIPER
Am I? Am I paranoid?! Am I?!?!

KENYA
Fine, so we won't go to that guy's house.

PIPER
Don't be stupid. We can't go to his house. He was arrested.

KENYA
So why do we have to be careful?!

PIPER
Because they arrested him, but they never caught his wife.

KENYA
He had a wife?

PIPER
Or a girlfriend, whatever. And if you think he was creepy, you should have seen her.

KENYA
Did you see her?

PIPER
No. But I guess she was some kind of freaky midget or dwarf or something--

KENYA
I think they prefer to be called dwarfs.

PIPER
I don't think that's right.

KENYA
Yeah. Midget is offensive. Dwarf is normal.

PIPER
Whatever.

KENYA
Look it up.

PIPER
But I guess she was the real mastermind of the operation. Cuz she would hide in the Creepy Closet with the spiders and cobwebs--

KENYA
You said there weren't any cobwebs.

PIPER
I said I didn't know. I'm using creative license. It's Halloween.

KENYA
So the closet could've been all dripping with blood... Or full of glow-in-the-dark bones!

PIPER
It was cobwebs! Who's telling the story? So she would hide in there and crouch down really small, and then if someone was stupid enough to go into the Creepy Closet, she would leap up from below and stab 'em through the heart.

KENYA
Could she reach the heart?

PIPER
I don't know. Maybe she was just medium short.

KENYA
But if you got stabbed in the stomach, you might live.

PIPER
Maybe that's how they caught him.

KENYA
Ah...

PIPER
But she was the real brains behind the whole operation. So when he got arrested, she got away, because they couldn't find any evidence that she had done anything wrong except for being short.

KENYA
But wouldn't there be bodies?

PIPER
They never found the bodies... Because she would chop them up in tiny little pieces... and wrap them up in individually-wrapped pieces of cellophane... and hand them out to kids as Halloween candy!!

KENYA
Ugh! That's disgusting.

PIPER
That's why you X-ray.

KENYA
So which house was it?

PIPER
I told you, it doesn't matter. They confiscated the house after they arrested him and she got thrown out on the street. And as far as we know she could still be on the loose.

KENYA
Now, I gotta pee again.

PIPER
What? You just went!

KENYA
I've got a nervous bladder, okay? You tell me creepy stories like that, and I have to pee again.

PIPER
You can't pee! Didn't you listen to what I just told you?

KENYA
What?

PIPER
Now that she doesn't have a closet to hide in, she could be anywhere. Hiding in drainage ditches and dark alleys. Lurking in the shadows. Waiting for two people to become separated from all the rest. And then waiting for those two people to get separated from each other so she can pick them off one by one by one.

KENYA
That makes three.

PIPER
Don't say I didn't warn you.

KENYA
Fine, I won't go. I'll stay out of the ditches and out of the shadows and I'll just walk down the middle of the boring road and not eat my un-Xray'ed candy.

PIPER
I thought you had to pee.

KENYA
I'm not going to pee. If it'll keep us from getting murdered by axe murderers, I'll hold it in till we get home, just to be safe.

PIPER
Oh, it's too late for safety.

KENYA
Why not?

PIPER
Because now we're all alone.

KENYA
Yeah.

PIPER
And remember when you went to pee the last time...?

KENYA
Yeah?

PIPER
That's when I killed your friend.

KENYA
What?

(PIPER whips off her mask, revealing herself to be a SHORT, CREEPY OLD LADY. They both scream.)