This is the preliminary draft of a new fight scene for Your Swash Is Unbuckled II

(coming in 2010)
.

MY CONQUISTADOR

a 10-minute fantasy-to-the-death for a pair of Inca maidens

by Jeff Goode

copyright © 2010
YOUR SWASH IS UNBUCKLED BY JEFF GOODE IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE PERFORMED, DOWNLOADED OR RE-TRANSMITTED WITHOUT PERMISSION FROM THE AUTHOR.
(Outskirts of an Inca village. An INCA MAIDEN washes laundry in a brook.)

KEMA
(sings)
When Apu Inti spied a maiden sitting by a well
He felt a thirst within him that no mountain spring could quell.
He offered her a golden coin for one kiss on the neck
She told him that a thousand such would earn him not a peck.
He offered her ten thousand more and his undying love
She told him hers could not be bought for all the skies above.
He seized the sky in his great hands and brought it down to earth.
The maiden gave him then her love. But just one kiss's worth.

(Enter ANOTHER INCA MAIDEN with a bundle of laundry.)

AMO
Good morning!

KEMA
Why are you so smiling?

AMO
No reason. Cannot an Inca maiden joy in the cool mountain air, as she ventures out to do her morning laundry in the babbling brook that runs by the edge of our village?

KEMA
I suppose she can. But I think it is more likely that she is on her way down to the galleons to visit her big Spanish lover.

AMO
Who says I have a lover? And how do you know what size he is?

KEMA
Where else does an Inca maiden get a suit of Spanish trousers and a sword, if she has not taken a lover among the invading conquistadors? And those are size 12 boots.

AMO
The Spaniards are guests in our land. May not an Inca maiden offer to polish a visiting conquistadorís helmet and sharpen his sword and launder his underthings without she is accused of being the village trollop?

KEMA
Are you calling me the village trollop, because I freely admit to taking in such laundry?

AMO
Of course not. You are just being hospitable. It is someone else who calls you that.

KEMA
It is perfectly natural for an Inca maiden to want to make her conquistador feel welcome and offer him all the comforts of home while he is in our land. Such as clean and folded underthings, an occasional home-cooked meal, a hot bath and a full body massage.

AMO
Trollop.

KEMA
You please your conquistador your way and I will please mine. And we will see whose lover is more relaxed and agile when he goes into battle.

AMO
Are you calling my conquistador tense and clumsy?

KEMA
I am saying your conquistador doesnít know what heís missing.

AMO
You keep your hands off my conquistador!

KEMA
There are plenty of conquistadors to go around. Why would I want yours?

AMO
Out of jealousy, of course. Because my conquistador, unlike yours, is no ordinary conquering hero, but the mightiest warrior in all of their army.

KEMA
Is that so?

AMO
You should hear the tales he tells me of his exploits, while I am lying in his arms. Why, in the faraway land where Spaniards are said to come from, he once did battle with an army of despicable gargoyles they call the French.

KEMA
Oh, they sound hideous!

AMO
Oh, they are. So I'm told.

KEMA
And he fought a whole army of them?

AMO
And he would have defeated them almost single-handedly, but that the French were in league with an evil wizard who put the Spaniards to flight through the power of dark magic. All except mine, of course.

KEMA
He stood his ground while all the others fled away in terror?

AMO
That's right. Instead or running, he beat a hasty strategic withdrawal to an abandoned farmhouse not far from the battlefield. To regroup and plan his counterattack.

KEMA
It sounds like he fled.

AMO
He was in a hurry, all right? He had to act quickly!

(Amo draws her conquistador's sword and acts out the scene.)

AMO
But, once inside the farmhouse, my conquistador soon discovered that it was no ordinary abandoned dairy farm. But the occult lair of a particularly hideous old Frenchman who he caught in the act of "milking" a bizarre and bloated behemoth which he could only describe as a sea monster with legs.

KEMA
Ew!

AMO
And hooves.

KEMA
Yuck.

AMO
That goes "moo".

KEMA
It sounds like a land manatee.

AMO
Exactly.

(Kema draws her conquistador's sword, as well, to play the Frenchman.)

KEMA
And did the old French milkman draw his pitchfork and lunge at your conquistador when he saw him standing in the doorway, his muscles rippling, his sinews throbbing?

AMO
Yes! And keep your eyes off his sinews.

(They fight, acting out the battle.)

KEMA
He must have fought ferociously, the Frenchman.

AMO
Oh, yes! But he was no match for my conquistador who overpowered the old fiend and killed him on the spot.

(Amo pretends to stab Kema. Kema pretends to die. Then quickly recovers.)

KEMA
Well, I am not impressed.

AMO
What?!

KEMA
Your conquistador sounds like a coward. Waylaying a helpless old man.

AMO
A helpless old gargoyle man. Who drinks the milky ichor of sea monsters.

KEMA
A likely story.

AMO
It is true. I heard it straight from the horse's mouth.

KEMA
Your conquistador has a talking horse?

AMO
It is an expression.

KEMA
Still, it must have been an easy battle. Hardly worth retelling.

AMO
That's because you didn't let him finish.

KEMA
Oh, sorry, go on then.

(Amo draws her sword again.)

AMO
Little did my conquistador know, but the old Frenchmonster did not live alone in that abandoned farmhouse not far from the battlefield. For he also had seven demonic sons who had gone off to war that very morning. And when the first of them returned from the great battle and saw my conquistador standing over the bloody remains of his hideous father. How do you think he felt?

KEMA
Aroused, of course.

AMO
Aroused?

KEMA
To anger.

AMO
You mean he was enraged?

KEMA
(enraged) That's what I said!

(She attacks. They fight.)

AMO
The Frenchman fought like a very devil, but my conquistador fought like a very handsome Spaniard and before long, he was victorious and slew his foe...

(Amo pretends to stab Kema.)

AMO
Just as another demon returned from the war!

(Kema leaps up again to play the second brother.)

KEMA
Did he fight even more fiercely than his brother?

(Kema attacks.)

AMO
Yes! But in the end, my conquistador defeated him, as well.

(Amo defeats Kema.)

KEMA
And when the third brother showed up?

(Kema leaps up again.)

AMO
My conquistador took him by surprise the minute he walked in the door.

(Amo pounces on Kema and pretends to slit her throat.)

KEMA
But he was not so lucky with the fourth Frenchman, was he?

(Kema leaps up again, ready for Amo's attack.)

AMO
No, the fourth fiend eluded his fate through some sort of magical trickery.

KEMA
Or perhaps he was just faster than your conquistador.

(Kema scampers about.)

AMO
Yes, but he had a very big mouth, which proved to be his undoing.

(Amo outmaneuvers Kema and kills her again. Kema leaps up.)

KEMA
And the fifth?

AMO
Again!

(Amo kills Kema. Kema leaps up.)

KEMA
And the sixth?

AMO
Again!

(Amo kills Kema. Kema leaps up again.)

KEMA
Ah, but what about the seventh?

AMO
The seventh and final brother fought more courageously than all of the others combined.

(They fight.)

AMO
Back and forth the battle raged.

KEMA
Sometimes it seemed like the Frenchman was winning.

AMO
Sometimes my conquistador held the advantage. For hours, it seemed like, neither one could prevail.

KEMA
But was probably more like a couple minutes.

(They continue to fight.)

AMO
Until suddenly there came a knock at the door...

(Startled, they both turn toward the "door".)

KEMA
"What was that?!"

AMO
It was then that my conquistador bravely seized the upper hand and slew the seventh and final brother squarely in the back.

(Amo "stabs" Kema in the back.)

KEMA
O, how horrible must have been the man-goyle's death cries as he expired at the hands of your Spaniard, knowing that his entire family had been wiped out in one fell visit.

(Kema dies horribly.)

AMO
Ah, but not the entire family! For the seven demonic brothers also had a sister who, though demonic as well, was also quite as beautiful as an angel when she wanted to be.

KEMA
Why, thank you.

AMO
And it was she who had knocked upon the farmhouse door at that fateful moment, startling her brother to his death.

KEMA
How did she respond when she saw that your sinewy Spaniard had slain her father and all seven of her brothers.

AMO
She was aroused, of course.

KEMA
To anger?

AMO
If you like.

KEMA
The demon girl must have lunged at him in her outrage, attacking with her bare hands.

(Kema attacks with her bare hands.)

AMO
Of course she did! But he defended himself with all the valor and courage of a noble conquistador being attacked by a dirty French slattern!

KEMA
"Who are you calling a slattern?!"

(They wrestle.)

AMO
But in the end she was no match for his martial prowess.

(Amo wrestles Kema into submission.)

AMO
Or his romantic prowess for that matter.

(Amo kisses Kema.)

KEMA
Wait! Do you mean to say that he made love to her?

AMO
Right there on the floor of the farmhouse.

KEMA
With the bodies of her loved ones strewn all about her?

AMO
And the land manatee looking on.

KEMA
She sounds like a trollop.

(Amo kisses her again.)

KEMA
But he sounds wonderful.

AMO
Well, he is. So you see, there can be no doubt that, of all the conquistadors of Spain, I have chosen the most desirable one to be my paramour.

KEMA
Well, maybe the second most desireable.

AMO
You think you know of one better?

KEMA
Well, I don't mean to boast, but my conquistador told me of a time, when he was summoned by the king of a place called Englandó

AMO
Oh, it sounds dreadful.

KEMA
Doesn't it? And damp.

AMO
Oh, it does sound damp.

KEMA
You see, a horrible fire-belching dragon had been terrorizing the countryside of this England place, devouring damsels right and left.

AMO
As dragons do. What can you expect?

KEMA
But it was not until one of the king's own daughters went missing that he decided to call in an army of the finest conquistadors to stop the dragon's rampage. And out of all of that army, the king chose my conquistador to be the one to singlehandedly slay the beast.

AMO
That seems a strange strategy.

KEMA
Are you calling my conquistador a liar?

AMO
Not at all. But this king sounds like an idiot. If he has a whole army, why not send all of them at once?

KEMA
One does not defeat a dragon by ganging up on it. It's not heroic.

AMO
It sounds stupid.

KEMA
Who is telling this story?

AMO
Your conquistador?

KEMA
Well, let him finish, then.

AMO
All right, go on. Did he journey into the mountains until he found the beast?

KEMA
Heroically so.

AMO
And was the dragon waiting for him when he reached its lair, with teeth as sharp as daggers?

(Amo draws her daggers.)

KEMA
But my conquistador was undeterred. He fearlessly drew his blade and rushed into the monster's jaws.

(Kema attacks. Amo roars. They fight.)

KEMA
But in the end, my conquistador's sword was no match for the dragonís steely fangs.

(Amo disarms Kema.)

AMO
So he lost? And was devoured by the dragon? That's not a very good story.

KEMA
Ah, but it was just a clever ruse! For when his trusty blade let him down, he cast it aside and grappled with the monster by hand.

(Kema attacks with her bare hands. They fight.)

KEMA
He choked and it bit him. He punched and it slapped him back. On and on they fought. Man and monster. Monster and man. Grappling, clawing, more grapplingóa little less clawingóuntil day turned to night, and night turned to mid-morning.

AMO
And they were naked this whole time?

KEMA
Yes, I know, thatís how I pictured it, too. But no.

AMO
Oh.

KEMA
On and on they fought. Sweating and grunting. Until, with one brilliant maneuver, my conquistador wrapped his mighty thews around the dragon's throat and snapped its giant neck.

AMO
Oh!

(Amo "dies".)

KEMA
But thatís not where the story ends, either!

AMO
Itís not?

KEMA
No. For, you see, the moment the beast was slain, the magical spell was broken. And the dragon transformed into the most beautiful damsel he had ever seen in his life.

AMO
Really?

KEMA
Well, until recently, of course.

AMO
Well, of course.

KEMA
It was the daughter of the king, who had been missing for three weeks. For she had been cursed by an evil wizard and trapped in the body of the dragon, and forced to ravage the countryside of her own country under his evil spell.

AMO
How did your conquistador react? When he learned the truth about his foe?

KEMA
How would any conquistador react?

AMO
He made love to her right there on the floor of the dragonís lair?!

KEMA
You read his mind.

(Kema kisses Amo. They make out.)

AMO
And did he marry the princess and become the lord of all the land?

KEMA
Well, no she was dead. He snapped her neck.

(Kema kisses Amo again.)

AMO
Your conquistador seems a bit randy.

KEMA
So you admit that I have chosen the best one!

AMO
Well, but you have not heard about the time my conquistador fought the great wizard himself.

KEMA
Oh! Half of Spain probably fought that wizard. My conquistador tells me he fought him as well.

AMO
Yes, but my conquistador was the one who finally defeated the wizard, and put an end to his reign of terror once and for all.

KEMA
Yes, but only after my conquistador defeated him and put an end to his reign of terror once and for all.

AMO
Is that what he told you?

KEMA
You doubt my conquistador?

AMO
But how is this possible?

KEMA
You must be mistaken. My conquistador and yours could not both have defeated the same wizard.

AMO
Did your conquistador defeat him at his castle in the Alps?

KEMA
Yes. But did your conquistador find the wizardís daughter locked in a tower and make love to her in the wizard's own bedchamber?

AMO
Of course. But did yours discover that the wizard had five other daughters imprisoned in his dungeon and made love to each of them as well?

KEMA
Yes. And does yours have a mole in a place that is not public like mine does?

AMO
I donít think I want to talk about where he has his private mole.

KEMA
I donít think that mole is private anymore.

AMO
I think that mole gets around.

KEMA
Itís my mole!

AMO
Itís on my conquistador!

KEMA
No, heís not, heís mine!

(They fight again, this time in earnest.)

AMO
It is vile of you, the village trollop, to try to steal my love away from me.

KEMA
I'm vile? You're the one who goes sneaking off to the galleons behind my back.

AMO
I saw him first!

KEMA
I saw him yesterday!

AMO
I saw him yesterday morning!

KEMA
What time?

AMO
I don't know. We were not in a room with a sundial.

KEMA
I was in a room with no sundial!

(They stab each other, simultaneously.)

AMO & KEMA
Oh!

AMO
Oh no.

KEMA
Look at us. What have we done?

AMO
We were both betrayed.

KEMA
We have killed ourselves. Over a treacherous Spaniard.

AMO
I realize now that he is not worth fighting over.

KEMA
What fools we Inca maidens are.

AMO
Yes, but also some of the men are fools.

KEMA
Yes, it's not just maidens.

AMO
We should never have let a conquistador come between Incans.

KEMA
Never.

AMO
But I want you to know... That if I survive this...

KEMA
Yes?

AMO
Iím still keeping him.

KEMA
Oh, me, too.

AMO
But if I do not survive. Can you give him a message from me?

KEMA
If you promise to deliver one for me, as well.

AMO
Of course.

KEMA
What is the message?

AMO
Only this...

(She kisses her. They die.)

~ FIN ~