Originally written for Theatre of Note's "10-Minute Plays 2009", Los Angeles, California.


2BR, cozy, necro
by Jeff Goode
copyright © 2009

(Two bedroom apartment. GARTH, sitting on the couch, reading the obituaries in his boxers. JENNI, a nurse, bursts in the front door.)

JENNI
Get up! Get up!

GARTH
Why? What? I thought you were at work.

(She shoves him off the couch, turns over a cushion and removes several BUNDLES OF CASH.)

JENNI
Eight hundred… nine hundred… That ought to be enough.

GARTH
You hid your money in the couch?

JENNI
I knew it was the last place you’d look.

GARTH
Are you kidding? That never even crossed my mind.

JENNI
Stealing from me?

GARTH
Looking in the couch. That’s genius. I woulda checked in your room first. (Beat.) Which I totally have never done in all the months you’ve been living here.

JENNI
Yeah, right. That’s why my underwear drawer is in a different order every morning.

GARTH
You wanna split it?

JENNI
No. It’s my money.

GARTH
It’s my couch.

JENNI
(slaps his hand away) Get your hands off.

GARTH
You got any more in there?

(He looks under the cushion.)

JENNI
No, that’s all of it. And don’t bother searching under the rest of the furniture, you’re only gonna hurt yourself.

GARTH
What do you need nine hundred dollars for?

JENNI
I’m putting down a deposit on a new apartment.

GARTH
We’re moving out?

JENNI
No, you’re staying here. I’m moving out.

GARTH
But I’m your roommate.

JENNI
Yeah, see, that’s the problem.

GARTH
Is there something you’re not telling me?

JENNI
Oh, Garth.

GARTH
What? I put your underwear back!

JENNI
Look, I feel like I can say this to you since we’re roommates and we go way back.

GARTH
Yeah, all the way since Craigslist, remember?

JENNI
But when you posted an ad for a female roommate… I kinda thought you would also be a female roommate.

GARTH
But that wouldn’t be fair. Then it’s two against one.

JENNI
And normally, I don’t have a problem with guys as roommates. But you are just way too obsessed with vampires and dead things.

GARTH
The Titanic is not a dead thing. Leo and Kate were hot in that film.

JENNI
Yeah. But I watched your copy of the video, and from the skips in the tape, I think you’ve been masturbating to all the wrong scenes.

GARTH
What? People love that ending!

JENNI
You love it a little too much.

GARTH
I don’t complain about your movie posters.

JENNI
Mine are not super-glued to the wallpaper.

GARTH
I told you, I’m not allowed thumbtacks.

JENNI
I know. And that’s just one of the many issues you have that I really don’t want to know the details about. And now, thanks to this new apartment, I don’t have to.

GARTH
I understand. I guess I always knew it couldn’t last. So what’s this new place like?

JENNI
I don’t know. I’m going over to look at it right now. But I’m sure I’m gonna like it. It’s within walking distance. You won’t be there. And it’s rent-controlled.

GARTH
Whoa! Rent control? Those places are impossible to get into. You gotta practically kill whoever lived there before, and then sign the lease before the police close in on you.

JENNI
Well, I didn’t do that.

GARTH
And it’s in this neighborhood? How did you find out about it? I didn’t see anything in the obituaries.

JENNI
It’s in the building next door. On the way to work this morning, I saw a police barricade outside, and they had a van from the county coroner, so I decided to go around back and check it out. I climbed up the fire escape to the third floor, and sure enough, that whole corner apartment with the southern exposure was taped off like a crime scene.

GARTH
Whoa! So somebody died over there?

JENNI
(shrugs) Allegedly. So I contacted the building manager and set up an appointment to look at it this evening. I wanna get in there before somebody else snatches it up.

GARTH
Wait a minute. The third floor apartment on the southeast corner? That’s where that kinky little blond stewardess lives.

JENNI
What makes you think she’s kinky?

GARTH
Because she’s always prancin’ around in her apartment dressed up like a flight attendant.

JENNI
I think that’s because she’s a flight attendant.

GARTH
Yeah, but that’s like one of my number one fantasies. That or a naughty nurse.

JENNI
(Beat.) I’m a nurse.

GARTH
(Beat.) Yeah, but you’re not naughty.

JENNI
(Beat.) What I’m thinking about doing to your nuts is pretty naughty.

GARTH
(Beat.) Could you wear the lavender thong?

JENNI
You disgust me. Wait, how do you know what she wears in her apartment?

GARTH
She’s got those big windows. You can see right down into her apartment from our bathroom.

JENNI
If you stand on the sink maybe. There’s no windows in our bathroom.

GARTH
Well, there’s the one.

JENNI
Yeah, that’s what I said.

GARTH
A man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do.

JENNI
Oh my God. Is that why you say that every time you go into the bathroom?

GARTH
Hey, I always wipe down the mirror. You got nothing to complain about.

JENNI
You disgust me. I know I’ve said this before, but I think it bears repeating.

GARTH
You’re welcome.

JENNI
All right, I gotta go.

GARTH
Hold on, I’m coming with you.

JENNI
No, you’re not. I told you this is going to be my apartment, and you are going to find a new roommate-slash-victim-of-craigslist.

GARTH
I’m not letting you go over there by yourself. Somebody smokin’ hot has already been murdered in that apartment. And you’re not half bad when you want to be.

JENNI
Thank you.

GARTH
Like that outfit you wore last Halloween.

JENNI
I went as a dead nurse.

GARTH
I remember.

JENNI
Stop remembering.

GARTH
Look, that is not a safe neighborhood.

JENNI
It’s our neighborhood! But you’re right, I’d better take some protection.

GARTH
Got it covered.

(He takes out a roll of condoms.)

GARTH
I’ll get the wine.

(He exits into his bedroom.)

(She ignores him and turns over another cushion of the couch. She reaches in and pulls out a HANDGUN.)

(Garth re-enters, blowing the dust off a bottle of wine.)

GARTH
I’ve been saving this for just the right occasion. Where are the wineglasses?

(He crosses to the kitchenette to look for wineglasses.)

JENNI
What are you doing?

GARTH
Whoa! What’s with the gun?

JENNI
What do you think this is??

GARTH
I don’t really know handguns, but if I had to guess, I’d say that was a–handgun.

JENNI
No, I mean the wine.

GARTH
What else you got in that couch?

JENNI
What are you doing with a bottle of wine and my best wineglasses? Put them back.

GARTH
I thought we’re going over to see that apartment.

JENNI
This is not a date, Garth.

GARTH
Allegedly. But why don’t we get over there and let the moment decide.

JENNI
No. Put those down.

GARTH
Watch where you’re pointing that gun.

JENNI
I’m not joking, my mother gave me those.

GARTH
Look, you may not think of me as a classy guy, but I happen to know that the kind of girl who lives in that kind of apartment, likes to be wined and dined a little before she gets down to bidness. (He starts opening the wine bottle.)

JENNI
What?!

GARTH
(confidentially) But once you get her good and liquored up… Dinner is optional.

JENNI
I am not going to sleep with you in a dead woman’s apartment, if that’s what you’re thinking.

GARTH
Jenni, please! I would never. You’re like a roommate to me. I don’t think of you in that way. I mean, maybe if you put on that outfit from last Halloween.

JENNI
I was a dead nurse!

GARTH
I’ll take that as a "No."

JENNI
I wore the same thing I wear to work, only with day-old lasagna splattered on it.

GARTH
It was kind of fake, now you mention it. But this stewardess girl, based on your description, she sounds hot! So hot.

JENNI
I described her as deceased. Don’t tell me you’re turned on by that.

GARTH
My lips are sealed.

JENNI
Ugh! She’s dead, Garth! Dead! Do you understand that? Dead!!

(He pops the cork.)

GARTH
Okay, listen, if you keep talking like that, I’m gonna need a tissue.

JENNI
Oh…my…God!

GARTH
That’s better. Talk about religion. Jesus. Jesus. God. My mother. Virgin Mary.

JENNI
Are you telling me you’re sexually attracted to the girl in the next building because she’s dead?

GARTH
Well, technically, because she’s a corpse.

JENNI
Ew!

GARTH
Oh, don’t act so surprised. You’ve seen my video collection. Nobody watches "Autopsy" for the story.

JENNI
Is that why you’re obsessed with Jayne Mansfield?

GARTH
That, and the boobs.

JENNI
You’re disgusting. You disgust me.

GARTH
Good. So we’re cool? (He gathers up wineglasses and heads for the door.)

JENNI
No. You are not having sex with a dead woman on the floor of my new apartment.

GARTH
Oh, for God’s sake. I’m going to put her on the bed.

JENNI
No, you are not. That is a furnished apartment.

GARTH
Look, I’m not asking you to stay and watch. Just get me in the door, and I’ll take it from there. (He clinks the wineglasses seductively.) What do you say, wing man?

JENNI
I am not helping you take advantage of a dead woman! In a place where I have to live.

GARTH
I resent that. I always totally respect whatever boundaries my partner chooses to set.

JENNI
Ugh!

GARTH
You make it sound like I’m just some kind of creep.

JENNI
No, you’re a very specific kind of creep.

GARTH
Look who’s talking. I’m not the one sneaking into her apartment through the back door when her body’s still barely cold. Just because it’s rent-controlled! I think you’re the one taking advantage! So now who’s sick? And twisted! (a little turned on) And a nurse.

JENNI
That is not the same.

GARTH
What if medical science was able to save her and she came back home and found you in her apartment, because you stole it out from under her while she was clinically dead?

JENNI
I’m sure she’d understand. The place is rent-controlled!!

GARTH
The only difference between what you’re doing to her, and what I’m doing is I’m gonna use a condom.

JENNI
Ugh!

GARTH
And she gets wine if she wants it.

JENNI
I don’t even know why we’re talking about this. She’s not even going to be there. They’ve already got her down at the morgue by now.

GARTH
Oh, you’re right, we just missed her. (He thinks about it.) Do you think we could get invited to the funeral? We’re practically neighbors.

JENNI
And you are not going to have sex with a corpse at her funeral.

GARTH
Not if you keep cock-blocking me.

JENNI
I’m through talking about this. I am so glad I’m getting out of here. Now put the glasses back. You are not going anywhere with me.

GARTH
Okay, you either have to calm down, or stop waving the gun around.

JENNI
Don’t tell me what to do, freak!

GARTH
Somebody’s gonna get hurt.

JENNI
Oh, shut up! I’m not gonna keep a loaded gun in the couch with the safety off.

GARTH
No, I know you wouldn’t, but I was playing with it earlier, and I think I might have forgot to put the safety back on.

JENNI
You were playing with it earlier??

GARTH
(sheepishly) Allegedly.

JENNI
Are you an idiot?!

GARTH
I told you, I’m not good with handguns.

JENNI
You found the gun I hid in the couch, but you couldn’t find the wads of money stashed right next to it?

GARTH
Well, I would have, but I always search right to left, like a Japanese comic book. And once you find a loaded gun in your couch, you kinda gotta figure it’s not gonna get any better than this.

JENNI
What is fundamentally wrong with you?! Are you out of your total mind?! (She points the gun at her head and makes "crazy" gesture.)

GARTH
Careful.

JENNI
Are you completely insane in every conceivable way?!?

(The gun goes off.)

GARTH
Oh.

(Then it goes off again.)

GARTH
Jenni?

(She falls dead.)

GARTH
Jenni? I’m serious, stop playing.

(Garth looks around, nervously.)

GARTH
I told you, I don’t see you that way.

(He backs over to the kitchenette.)

GARTH
But if you’re really serious about moving out…

(He pours two glasses of wine.)

GARTH
…Why don’t you let me make you dinner? To celebrate.

(He brings the wine over to her.)

GARTH
You like lasagna, don’t you?

(Lights slowly fade, as he clinks glasses with her and drinks.)

(End of Atrocity.)

© 2009 Jeff Goode - THIS SCRIPT IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR