by Jeff Goode

SCENE: A sidewalk Christmas tree stand.

(DOC and ERIC stand, facing the audience, looking bored and terrified, respectively.)

          DOC
My friends call me Doc. Because they think they're funny.
I'm a tree surgeon.
I work on a Christmas tree farm upstate. So most of the time I'm out in the country.
It's beautiful. Quiet. The air is clean.
But once a year my boss loads a bunch of trees onto a truck and sends all the "non-essential" staff into the city to sell them on the sidewalk to people too lazy to drive out to the country to get them.
Basically, we just stand here. People pick out the one they want. And I help them figure out how to strap it onto the hood of their Volvo. Eric makes change and gives them a receipt.

          ERIC
I am not gay!

          DOC
No one said you were gay.

          ERIC
Not yet. But I'm ready when they do.

          DOC
(to audience) This is the worst part of my job.
          (looks around)
You meet a lot of interesting people, though.
          (looks at Eric)
Well... you meet a lot of people.

(Enter two Christmas shoppers - LONER and FRIEND.)

          LONER
Why am I always alone at Christmas?

          FRIEND
You're alone every day. Why should Christmas be any different?

          LONER
(deadly serious) Because no one should be alone on Christmas.

          FRIEND
I'm alone.

          LONER
Yeah, but you're a prick. You deserve to be alone.

          FRIEND
Do you have to be like that? We're in public.

          LONER
That's okay, the public already knows you're a prick. (to Doc) Don't you?

          DOC
We haven't met.

          LONER
Yeah, but look at him. Doesn't he look like a big, fat prick?

          ERIC
I'm not gay!!

          FRIEND
(wasn't expecting that) No one said you were gay.

          ERIC
Well, I'm not.

          LONER
We don't care if you're gay or not.

          ERIC
You'll care when I'm sucking your cock in the men's room of some club!!

          LONER
(to Friend) See? Do you want me to turn out like him?

          FRIEND
I can guarantee that won't happen.

          LONER
How can you be sure?

          FRIEND
The clubs aren't open on Christmas Day.

(They exit.)

          DOC
(to audience) Like I said, you meet a lot of people.
Maybe they're not interesting. Maybe they're just normal.
Maybe standing on a sidewalk in sub-zero weather is what makes them interesting.

(Enter SPRIG MAN. He seems very nervous. There is a sharp bulge in the front of his shirt, as if there were a sprig of mistletoe sticking out of his stomach.)

          SPRIG MAN
Excuse me...

(Doc and Eric look at him. Sprig Man edges closer.)

          SPRIG MAN
(in a loud whisper) I have a sprig of mistletoe, attached to my stomach in such a way that it dangles over my penis.

          ERIC
That has got to be the worst pickup line in the history of the world.

          SPRIG MAN
I super-glued it to my navel.

          DOC
Why?

          SPRIG MAN
It was for the office Christmas party. I was hoping my coworkers would - (he looks both ways to make sure no one is listening, then he whispers even louder than before) - want to kiss my penis.

          ERIC
I was wrong, that's the worst pick up line.

          DOC
In order for your plan to work, wouldn't you have to be naked from the waist down? (thinks about it) And from the waist up?

          SPRIG MAN
I had on a halter top. And elbow length gloves. ...And cowboy boots.

(Doc just stares at him.)

          DOC
Why are you telling me this?

          SPRIG MAN
Aren't you a doctor?

          DOC
No.
I'm a tree surgeon.

          SPRIG MAN
(expectantly) Well...?

(He gestures to his sprig. Doc rolls his eyes. He can't believe he's even thinking about doing this. Doc carefully grips Sprig Man by the bulge and gives it a good yank.)

          SPRIG MAN
Ow! Oh! That hurt like a mother fucker.

(He hobbles out.)

          ERIC
(shouting after him) At least I'm not gay!

          DOC
Eric, no one cares if you're gay.

          ERIC
My mother cares.

          DOC
Your mother is more than a little freaky.

          ERIC
(tearful) But she's my mom.

          DOC
I know. But everybody else doesn't care. They don't. They don't care.

          ERIC
They may not think they care. ...Now. But once you're gay, you're gay for life.

          DOC
And?

          ERIC
And then I'll never get a girlfriend! I'll be alone at Christmas every year - year after year - because no woman will have me.

          DOC
No, once you're gay, you'll find a guy who wants to spend time with you, so you don't have to be alone.

          ERIC
Oh.

          DOC
And then 2 days before Christmas you'll get in a fight over wrapping paper and breakup, and he'll move out on Christmas eve, and then you'll be alone on Christmas, because no man will have you.

          ERIC
(welling up) You make it sound so beautiful.

          DOC
(to audience) They say that no one should be alone on Christmas.
And by "they", I mean those 2 guys that just left.
But I meet a lot of people--

          ERIC
(abruptly) Would you be gay with me for Christmas?!

          DOC
No.

          ERIC
It's just till Christmas eve. You said so yourself.

          DOC
I'm not gay.

          ERIC
No one said you were gay.

          DOC
Yeah, but I'm not.

          ERIC
No one cares that you're gay.

          DOC
I'm not having this conversation.

(Re-enter SPRIG MAN.)

          SPRIG MAN
Excuse me...

(He looks very embarrassed - too embarrassed to say it out loud - so he turns and whispers in Doc's ear. We notice that he has a sprig-like bulge protruding from his back now.)

(He finishes whispering, then turns to show Doc the bulge over his backside. Doc stares at it.)

          SPRIG MAN
(expectantly) Well...?

          DOC
Get out of here you freak!!

(Sprig Man scurries away. After a beat, Eric goes after him.)

          ERIC
Hey! Hey, buddy!

          DOC
I meet a lot of people.
And if you ask me...
I think they all deserve to be alone at Christmas.
...Some of you bastards are just super, super lucky, that's all.

(Lights slowly fade.)