Episode... Badger!(12)

by Jeff Goode
copyright © 2003

 

(MAD BADGER scampers about, chittering madly.)

Tiger, Tiger, Tiger, Yum-Yum
Tiger, Tiger, Yum-Yum-Yum
He's so Cool that he's on Fi-grrr
Tiger, Tiger, so much fun!

Come with the Yum, gonna Run like a Bun... ny.
Rapid as a Rabbit, gonna Grab it by the Tongue (Ew!)

Go with the flow, Give an Inch, take a Miiii-grrr
Tiger, Tiger, Tiger, Tiger, Yum! Yum! Yum!!

           MAD BADGER
Hachichi chi!
I'm not a tiger.
I'm the Mad Badger.
And nobody messes with Mad Badger. Nobody!
I'm the most meanest. Mizznastiest.
Son of a critter. In this whole darned place up here.

You heard me! I am - pound for pound - the smallest critter in the whole entire Land of Things That Happen.

But nobody messes with Mad Badger.
You know why?
You know why???
Do you? Huh? Do you? WRONG!!

I'll tell you why!

Because I'm the Mad Badger! And nobody messes with me.
           (deliciously)
Because I know where the bodies are buried.

           (CRAZY WORM GUY bursts in.)

           CRAZY WORM
Ooh! You know where the bodies are buried? Where? Where??

           MAD BADGER
I'm not telling you!

           CRAZY WORM
Why not?

           MAD BADGER
Because then you'll know where the bodies are buried. And then no one will mess with you. But I'm the one nobody messes with. Me! Mad Badger! (deliciously) Because I know where the bodies are buried. And you don't. You got that?

           CRAZY WORM
But this is a national emergency.

           MAD BADGER
Oh yeah?

           CRAZY WORM
Yeah.

           MAD BADGER
What nation?

           CRAZY WORM
Oh. You need a nation for that?

           MAD BADGER
Are you messing with me?

           CRAZY WORM
NoooOoOOo....
But if I don't find Mr. Angry Pants's body, then I can't prove he was murdered. And I can't bring his murderer to justice.

           MAD BADGER
I thought you killed him.

           CRAZY WORM
But how do we knooow that? Where’s the proof?

           (MAD BADGER scowls at CRAZY WORM GUY.)

           MAD BADGER
I'm not telling you where the bodies are buried.

           CRAZY WORM
Hmm. That's a problem.

           (He ponders. Mad Badger chitters grumpily.)

           CRAZY WORM
Ooh! I've got an idea!

           MAD BADGER
What? What??

           CRAZY WORM
(flagrantly coy) You know, Mad Badger... I don't think you really know where the bodies are buried at all....

           MAD BADGER
What?!

           CRAZY WORM
I think you're just saying that....

           MAD BADGER
What?!

           CRAZY WORM
To look cool....

           MAD BADGER
What?!

           CRAZY WORM
Is what I think.

...The End...

           ANNOUNCER
Tune in next time, when the Mad Badger says...

           MAD BADGER
Are you messing with me?!

           CRAZY WORM
No.
           (that didn’t seem to work)
....Yes?
           (that didn’t seem to work, either)
...No?

           (BLACKOUT)

© 2003 Jeff Goode - "TIGER-TIGER YUM-YUM" IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR