copyright © 2003 Jeff Goode

Security for 800

by Jeff Goode

 

(A CONCERNED CITIZEN sits across the table from a HIGH-RANKING MILITARY OFFICIAL.)

CITIZEN

I'd like to get rid of the Iraqis.

OFFICIAL

No problem.

CITIZEN

I've got nothing against the Iraqi people, mind you, but these are tough times, you know? I was unemployed for 3 months right before Christmas. I've got this delivery job now, but it's minimum wage, so I'm barely making $5 an hour. Plus I've got medical bills I don't know how I'm going to pay, because I lost a lot of my savings in the stock market. Do you have any idea what it costs for prescription drugs these days? I can barely afford to put gas in my car.

So I guess if that means a few Iraqi soldiers have to sacrifice their lives, then that's what we have to do. It's a price I'm willing to pay.

OFFICIAL

You can't make an omelet without breaking some eggs.

CITIZEN

That's right. That's exactly right.

OFFICIAL

All right, well, we'll take care of it. But you realize this isn't going to help with any of those problems.

CITIZEN

I understand.

OFFICIAL

Your gas prices are going to go up when we do this. You understand that.

CITIZEN

Right.

OFFICIAL

And the stock market is going to drop like a rock.

CITIZEN

No, I know. I know. But if this makes the world a safer place, that's all that matters. Peace of mind, you know? If we can have security, then it's all worth it.

OFFICIAL

That's right. As long as you understand that there won't be any more security.

CITIZEN

No, I know.

OFFICIAL

We've tried to make that clear. All of our experts have told you that there will be more terrorist attacks when we do this. Not less.

CITIZEN

Right, no, I got that.

OFFICIAL

And the C.I.A. has explained that Saddam Hussein would never use his weapons of mass destruction for fear of a massive counter strike---

CITIZEN

Right.

OFFICIAL

---So once we start the massive counter strike in advance, he'll have no reason not to launch everything in his arsenal. In fact, that would be the only smart thing he could do in that situation, is launch.

CITIZEN

Yeah, no, that's cool.

OFFICIAL

As long as we're clear on that---

CITIZEN

Yes, I understand.

OFFICIAL

---Once we do this, you civilians are fucked. It's gonna be open season on you for every wacko on the planet.

CITIZEN

No, I got it. But I want to go through with this. I really want to get rid of this Saddam Hussein guy.

OFFICIAL

Not a problem.

CITIZEN

He really--- I don't know, he bugs me. You know what I mean? Because of that last war with Iraq---

OFFICIAL

Yeah, that one turned out pretty bad.

CITIZEN

---I mean, we had total military superiority. We hit him with everything we've got. And he still thinks he won. He said so on T.V.

OFFICIAL

Yeah, kinda dropped the ball there.

CITIZEN

And you know what? ...He's right! We threw everything we had at him, and he's still there. He won.

So now it's like he's laughing at us. I come home from a hard day's work. I'm making minimum wage. And there he is, over in Iraq, laughing.

OFFICIAL

And you want him to stop.

CITIZEN

Yes, please! Make him stop.

OFFICIAL

No matter what the cost?

CITIZEN

That's right. No matter what it costs.

OFFICIAL

All right then... $800.

CITIZEN

Pardon me?

OFFICIAL

$800. That's what it's going to cost.

CITIZEN

$800 apiece?

OFFICIAL

And we'll get rid of him.

CITIZEN

And it's only going to cost me $800. That's it.

OFFICIAL

Well, no, that's the minimum. If everything goes according to plan - $800. But it could certainly be more. But let's say $800 to get started

CITIZEN

From everyone.

OFFICIAL

That's right.

(The CITIZEN thinks about it and then reluctantly counts out $800 in 5 dollar bills.)

OFFICIAL

All right, then. Consider it done.

(The OFFICIAL starts picking up the money.)

CITIZEN

And you're sure you can do this?

OFFICIAL

Hey, listen, if you don't trust me...?

CITIZEN

No, no, you're right. I'm sure you know what you're doing.

OFFICIAL

Because if you think you know a better way to run a war...?

CITIZEN

No, no, no, you should do it. You've got the experience. I mean you're the same guys who ran the last war, and that one turned out pretty..... Hey, wait a minute!!

(They both make grab for the money.)

(BLACKOUT.)

"Security for 800" IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR