Security for 800
by Jeff Goode
(A CONCERNED CITIZEN sits across the table from a HIGH-RANKING MILITARY OFFICIAL.)
CITIZEN
I'd like to get rid of the Iraqis.
OFFICIAL
No problem.
CITIZEN
I've got nothing against the Iraqi people, mind you, but these are tough times, you know? I was unemployed for 3 months right before Christmas. I've got this delivery job now, but it's minimum wage, so I'm barely making $5 an hour. Plus I've got medical bills I don't know how I'm going to pay, because I lost a lot of my savings in the stock market. Do you have any idea what it costs for prescription drugs these days? I can barely afford to put gas in my car.
So I guess if that means a few Iraqi soldiers have to sacrifice their lives, then that's what we have to do. It's a price I'm willing to pay.
OFFICIAL
You can't make an omelet without breaking some eggs.
CITIZEN
That's right. That's exactly right.
OFFICIAL
All right, well, we'll take care of it. But you realize this isn't going to help with any of those problems.
CITIZEN
I understand.
OFFICIAL
Your gas prices are going to go up when we do this. You understand that.
CITIZEN
Right.
OFFICIAL
And the stock market is going to drop like a rock.
CITIZEN
No, I know. I know. But if this makes the world a safer place, that's all that matters. Peace of mind, you know? If we can have security, then it's all worth it.
OFFICIAL
That's right. As long as you understand that there won't be any more security.
CITIZEN
No, I know.
OFFICIAL
We've tried to make that clear. All of our experts have told you that there will be more terrorist attacks when we do this. Not less.
CITIZEN
Right, no, I got that.
OFFICIAL
And the C.I.A. has explained that Saddam Hussein would never use his weapons of mass destruction for fear of a massive counter strike---
CITIZEN
Right.
OFFICIAL
---So once we start the massive counter strike in advance, he'll have no reason not to launch everything in his arsenal. In fact, that would be the only smart thing he could do in that situation, is launch.
CITIZEN
Yeah, no, that's cool.
OFFICIAL
As long as we're clear on that---
CITIZEN
Yes, I understand.
OFFICIAL
---Once we do this, you civilians are fucked. It's gonna be open season on you for every wacko on the planet.
CITIZEN
No, I got it. But I want to go through with this. I really want to get rid of this Saddam Hussein guy.
OFFICIAL
Not a problem.
CITIZEN
He really--- I don't know, he bugs me. You know what I mean? Because of that last war with Iraq---
OFFICIAL
Yeah, that one turned out pretty bad.
CITIZEN
---I mean, we had total military superiority. We hit him with everything we've got. And he still thinks he won. He said so on T.V.
OFFICIAL
Yeah, kinda dropped the ball there.
CITIZEN
And you know what? ...He's right! We threw everything we had at him, and he's still there. He won.
So now it's like he's laughing at us. I come home from a hard day's work. I'm making minimum wage. And there he is, over in Iraq, laughing.
OFFICIAL
And you want him to stop.
CITIZEN
Yes, please! Make him stop.
OFFICIAL
No matter what the cost?
CITIZEN
That's right. No matter what it costs.
OFFICIAL
All right then... $800.
CITIZEN
Pardon me?
OFFICIAL
$800. That's what it's going to cost.
CITIZEN
$800 apiece?
OFFICIAL
And we'll get rid of him.
CITIZEN
And it's only going to cost me $800. That's it.
OFFICIAL
Well, no, that's the minimum. If everything goes according to plan - $800. But it could certainly be more. But let's say $800 to get started
CITIZEN
From everyone.
OFFICIAL
That's right.
(The CITIZEN thinks about it and then reluctantly counts out $800 in 5 dollar bills.)
OFFICIAL
All right, then. Consider it done.
(The OFFICIAL starts picking up the money.)
CITIZEN
And you're sure you can do this?
OFFICIAL
Hey, listen, if you don't trust me...?
CITIZEN
No, no, you're right. I'm sure you know what you're doing.
OFFICIAL
Because if you think you know a better way to run a war...?
CITIZEN
No, no, no, you should do it. You've got the experience. I mean you're the same guys who ran the last war, and that one turned out pretty..... Hey, wait a minute!!
(They both make grab for the money.)
(BLACKOUT.)
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