Tasteless perspectives on the latest news:

On August 18, 2005, at an animal sanctuary in Mound Valley, Kansas, a seventeen year old girl was killed while posing for her senior photo with a Siberian white tiger named Shakka when she panicked after the tiger licked her foot. Trainers briefly blamed the smell of hormones associated with the victim's period for the tiger's adverse reaction.

Tiger Bait

by Jeff Goode

copyright © 2005
(Lights up on: a person in a Tiger suit.)

Listen, I feel terrible about the kid.
Don't get me wrong. That's a tragedy.
Cute little girl.
Pig tails.
All dressed up to get her school pictures.
Nobody likes to see that.
So my heart goes out there. You have no idea.

But let me just say:
I don't think things worked out so good for the tiger, neither.

I mean, one minute he's sittin' there.
Flash bulbs poppin'. Pop-pop-pop.
You know how it is.
Spots in front of his eyes.
Maybe gets a little disoriented.
Maybe something to do with the equilibrium.
And maybe does something that, 2 seconds later, he's thinking,
"Oh shit. Probably shoudn'ta done that."
And now you got people running around.
Screaming, "The tiger! The tiger!"
Like it was his idea.
And then BLAM!
Double-tap to the back of the head.
Just like that guy in England.
No chance to explain.
"Wait, I'm just running for the subway.
It's what we do in Brazil."
"Sorry, buddy.
Trying to keep the subways safe.
It's what we do in the States."
Of England. Whatever those are called.

I mean, let's be reasonable. Do the math.
You put a kid in a room with a Siberian tiger,
9 times out of 10, you're gonna get a nice photo op.

But you put a 100 kids in a room with a tiger,
Sooner or later he's gonna eat one.
Just to see what they taste like.

And I don't care how well-trained you think I am.
I could be a freakin' vegetarian,
But you keep wavin' a steak in front of my face, eventually I'm gonna take a hint.

I'm pretty sure that's what happened to Siegfried and Roy.
That tiger had to go out onstage with them every night.
And they're shiny, so it's not like he can just ignore 'em.
And the tiger's thinking:
"These guys keep bringing me out here.
I know they want something. But what?
And the delicious one keeps sticking his head in my mouth.
What could they possibly want from me?
I know it's something.
It's right on the tip of my tongue."

I bet he felt pretty stupid when he finally figured it out, too, y'know?
"God, what an idiot!
It was right there in front of me the whole time.
All right, I gotcha now.
Next time he comes around, I'm on it. Don't worry.
I am all over this."

So I can understand when a tiger spends all day in a zoo getting his picture took.
And finally puts two-and-two together.
"Let's see... There's all these people around all the time.
But they keep putting the bite-sized ones in the cage with me.
What do they want me to do...?
Wait a minute!
Hold the phone!
I think I'm onto something here.
This is some kinda test, isn't it?
And I'm supposed to pick out the edible ones.
Now it all makes sense."

You know who I blame is the school system.
I don't mean because of coming out on the field trips,
Because frankly I can use the company.
I blame the schools for not giving these kids better sex education.
I mean, how do you get to be a sophomore in high school and you don't know when you're menstrual?

This 'abstinence only' stuff has got girls so they don't know their own cycle.
How you gonna survive in the wild if you don't know when you're in heat?
Cuz I guarantee you the rest of us do.
Or at least we think we do.
But now they got some of these kids comin' in here
wearing these perfumes with deer pheromones.
Now, that's just askin' for trouble.

Cuz once those flashbulbs start goin' off,
All's you got to go on is your smellfactory organs.
And, sure, common sense tells you they didn't just bring a gazelle into the cage with you.
But on the other hand, you never know with these humans.
And at that point, there's only one way to know for sure.

(Getting a little woozy:)
Besides, who's gonna miss one little gazelle.
I mean, girl.
Did I say gazelle? I meant, girl.
Or what did I say? Gazerlle?
I don't even know any more.

All I'm saying is, you put a hungry, horny tiger
In a room with something that smells like estrogen AND venison.
And I promise you, somebody's gonna get some action.
And frankly, it's gonna be me.

I don't mean to come off soundin' like some sort of sexual predator.
But I am a predator.
And I am sexual.
At least I used to be. Before I came here.

You know when's the last time I got laid?
No seriously, I'm asking.
Cuz I think there's a chart over there on the wall behind you that says.
Swear to God, I think I'm due for a tune-up.

Not that it matters, really.
You know what sex is like for a zoo tiger?
No, seriously, I'm asking.
Cuz I don't remember the last time.
Or the time before that.
And by that I mean I have no memories of the event.

I remember the foreplay.
I still got scars.
Cuz you want to know what foreplay is like?
Foreplay is like this:
You're in your cage.
It's a Friday night.
Moon up in the sky.
Romance is in the air.
The door slowly opens.
You turn to see if it's her...
Zookeeper walks in with a dart gun. Shoots you in the ass.

You wake up 12 hours later with a phencyclidine hangover,
Feeling slightly sore and slightly less pent-up.
And let me tell you, "slightly" is not good enough when that's all you got to look forward to on a weekend.
What ever happened to dinner and a movie?
Or how about dinner and not-getting-shot-in-the-ass?

You seen that movie "March of the Penguins"?
That's a great flick.
Why don't they put me in a cage with one o' those.
Man, I would SO love to fuck a penguin.

I tell you what. I'll make you a deal.
Give me ONE penguin,
And I promise I'll stop fucking little girls. Cold turkey.
Or eating them. What did I say? Fucking?
I won't do that either.
I swear.
Or turkeys.
Is it hot in here?
You smell nice.
God, it's hot.
I think they put somethin' in my food.
I'm just gonna lay down for a bit.

(Goes off to take a nap.)