YAKO TITOGU by Jeff Goode
copyright © 2006
BOB and WONKI the CAVEMAN, staring at a BUNDLE OF DYNAMITE with a TIMER attached. Nearby, a square of NEWSPAPER is laid out on the floor, as if for an un-housetrained pet. A GARBAGE CAN sits in a corner.
WONKI
Wow.
BOB
I know, Wonki.
WONKI
Wow.
BOB
(calling offstage) Dad!
WONKI
(mimicking) Dad!
BOB
Wonki, not now.
BOB snaps his fingers and points to the newspaper.
WONKI
(hangs his head defeatedly, and obediently goes onto the newspaper) Onto nik-now.
BOB
(trying to teach him English) Newspaper.
WONKI
(trying to learn) Re-papswen.
BOB
News
WONKI
Swen
BOB
Newspaper.
WONKI
Repapswen.
BOB
(frustrated) Wonki!
WONKI
(hangs his head) I know.
WONKI sits down on the newspaper, circling three times first, like a dog.
BOB
Stay.
WONKI
(nods) Yats!
BOB turns to the task of defusing the bomb.
BOB
Okay
. (He notices that the dynamite is covered in red powder. He tastes it. He cant think of the word for it.) Red wop powder? (He notices a label attached to the dynamite, it reads:) Yako?
WONKI
Red wop powder?
Paprika?
BOB
Paprika!
WONKI
Akirpap.
BOB
(nodding) Akirpap.
BOB thinks. He suddenly snaps his fingers, startling the WONKI.
BOB
Ha!!
WONKI
Ah!!
BOB
(shouting offstage) Dad!
WONKI
(mimicking) Dad!
BOB
Wonki!
WONKI
(hanging head) I know.
BOB
I need my kit.
WONKI
(pointing offstage) Tikymdeeni.
BOB goes to get his toolkit.
WONKI doesnt like being left alone. He whimpers. He goes off the newspaper and poops on the floor.
BOB returns with some sort of RADAR device to examine the bomb. He tries to hook it up.
BOB
(pushing a button) Radar Timer. (pushing another button) Emit Radar.
WONKI taps him on the shoulder.
WONKI
Bob?
BOB
Not now! (pointing to newspaper) On!
BOB goes back to defusing.
WONKI
No! Wont on.
WONKI taps him on the shoulder again.
WONKI
Bob?
BOB
(turns, irritated, and sees the poop) What--?! Ahw!
WONKI
Bob
BOB
I know
WONKI
Wonki poop.
BOB
I know, Wonki.
WONKI
Poo-poop.
BOB
(shouting offstage) Dad!
WONKI
(mimicking) Dad!
BOB
Wonki!
WONKI
I know.
WONKI returns to his newspaper.
BOB
(shouting offstage) Dad!
WONKI
(mimicking) Dad!
BOBs DAD hobbles in, crotchety.
DAD
(entering, sees poop) What--?! Ahw!
BOB
Wonki pooped.
WONKI
De-poop!
DAD
I know!
BOB
Well? Clean it up!
WONKI
(pointing at garbage can) Put in Aelcllew.
DAD
Garbage can, you Nimrod
WONKI
(defensive) Dorminu!
DAD
(rolling his eyes.) Oy.
WONKI
Nace gab rag
DAD
(to Bob) YOU clean it up!
WONKI
Put in Aelcu!
DAD
Oy.
BOB
Dad, Its your job
WONKI
Bojruoysti, Dad.
DAD
Im---
BOB
(cutting him off) Im defusing the bomb!
WONKI
Bmob, eh? Tgnisufed.
DAD
(shouting offstage) Mimi!
BOB
Mom!
WONKI
Mom!
BOB
Wonki!
WONKI
I know!
(BOBs withered old MOTHER hobbles in.)
MOM
Hee he he he he
Eh?
DAD
Get in here ya frigid old deafmute.
WONKI
Etumfa eddlo digir fayer!
MOM
Eh?
WONKI
(speaking in smaller words) Niteg.
MOM
Hee he he he he he he he he he.
Eh?
WONKI points at the poop.
MOM
Ah, poop.
DAD
Ha!
WONKI
Wonki poop.
MOM
I know.
DAD
Go clean it up!
WONKI
Put in Aeclog.
MOM
I dunno what that is.
WONKI
(explaining) Sit ah ttah wonnudi
DAD
Its like watchin two retards fuck in a dishwasher.
WONKI
(scolding) Rehsawhsid a nik cufs!
BOB
(still working on the bomb) Drat.
WONKI
Erowt niihctaw ekil sti.
BOB
Dad!
WONKI
Dad!
BOB
Wonki.
WONKI
I know.
BOB
Dial nine-one-one
WONKI
(flirting with MOM) Eno eno enin. Laid.
MOM
Huh?
BOB
Mom!
MOM
Huh?
BOB
Dial!
DAD sidles over to threaten WONKI mano-a-mano
DAD
You lay one finger on that gal and so help me Ill bite your Neanderthal cock off with my own bare dentures.
WONKI
(mouthing off to him) Serutned erab nwo ym htiw ffo kcoc lahtrednaen ruoy etib lli em pleh os dna lag taht no regnif eno yalu. Oy!
DAD likes WONKIs spunk.
DAD
Shake on it.
WONKI
Tino ekahs.
DAD and WONKI shake on it. Whatever it is.
MOM
Gag.
DAD
Zip it, slut!
WONKI
Tulsi piz.
BOB
(still struggling with the RADAR) Radar Timer
Emit Radar.
DAD
Is it plugged in?
WONKI
Nideg gulp.
Suddenly TITOGU bursts in, covered in paprika.
TITOGU
Tis I!
MOM
Titogu!
DAD
Oy!
WONKI taps TITOGU on the shoulder.
TITOGU
Huh?
WONKI
(pointing at the poop) Repaper, you got it?
TITOGU
What---?! Ahw!
MOM
Poop.
TITOGU
I know, madam.
WONKI
Wonki poop.
MOM
Titogu, clean it up.
WONKI
Put in Aelcu, got it?
TITOGU glares at WONKI
MOM
Yako
?
TITOGU
Okay.
TITOGU exits to fetch a fresh newspaper.
MOM
(aside to WONKI) You did say "laid"?
WONKI
(aside to MOM, seductively) Dial "yas", didu.
DAD
(overhearing) Oy.
Meanwhile, BOB and DAD are working together like a surgical team.
BOB
Rotator.
DAD
Rotator.
BOB
Level.
DAD
Level.
BOB
Releveler.
DAD
Releveler.
BOB
Rotor.
DAD
Rotor.
BOB
Waitaminute!
He turns to WONKI who abruptly stops making out with his MOM.
WONKI
Etunimatiaw!
BOB
(to MOM) Did you say "Yako"?
MOM
(guiltily) Okay
WONKI
Yasu!
DAD
Oy.
WONKI
Did!
BOB
Youre having an affair with a known terrorist Yako Titogu - you hired to work as a Japanese houseboy?!
Awkward silence. They know someone has to turn it into a palindrome. They turn expectantly to WONKI, but he just shrugs innocently. Finally
MOM
Um
WONKI
(jumping in, after all) Muy obesu oh esenapaj asak rowot deri huoyu got it okay? Tsirorret nwonk ah tiwr iaffanag niva heru! Oy.
DAD
(accusing) Oh! A ho!
MOM
(self-loathing) Im a boob! A boob! A boob am I!
Enter TITOGU with a newspaper.
BOB
Yako Titogu!
DAD
Oy!
WONKI snatches away TITOGUs newspaper.
WONKI
Deriferu, oy! Robmob sihtesu fed!
BOB
Defuse this bomb or youre fired, you got it?
Long, sullen silence.
TITOGU
Okay.
Meanwhile, WONKI has placed the newspaper on the floor and pooped neatly in the middle of it. He draws their attention to it.
WONKI
Repap no tidid, eh? Kool.
The others notice.
MOM
Look! He did it on paper!
BOB, DAD, MOM, TITOGU, WONKI
Yay!!
finnif
© 2006 Jeff Goode - THIS SCRIPT IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR