is a stunt monologue originally created for the jeffgoode.com web library.
Selbat
by Jeff Goode
THIS SCRIPT IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR
(SELENA enters, as if from the restroom, onto the stage with a clipboard full of headshots.)
SELENA.
Okay, sorry 'bout that. Had a little intestinal...
Never mind. Too much information.
Where am I? Where's my chair?
Is that it? Are you serious?
No, it's fine.
(shifts in her seat) (glares at chair) (glares at stage manager:)
Next time, better chair, is all I'm saying.
I mean, look at this! You can't expect me to be comfortable. Maybe this is how you like to spend an afternoon, but I've got to focus here, and now all I'm going to be thinking about is this...
...fucking thing under my ass. And I think that gets enough attention without you giving me a constant reminder, thank you very much.
Okay, sorry. Didn't mean for you to see that. Let's start over. Hello. Do you have a headshot?
Here we go.
(holds up a headshot in front of her face--i.e. she's reading the resume on the back)
Selena Battone. And this is a scene from "Selbat" by Jeff Goode.
(puts the headshot back on the clipboard and sits)
Whenever you're ready.
(pause, watches the auditor)
Just whenever. Do you need a minute? You're okay? Okay, sorry.
(watches auditor) (takes notes)
Uh huh.
(continues watching) (if auditor does nothing, gets bored) (eventually, becomes irritated)
Okay, let me just stop you.
Because I think I know where this is going, and... Okay, here's what I want you to do. I'd like to take it again--from the top--and this time, if you could do me a favor and make one small adjustment, which is, I would like you to...try not to suck. Because I don't know what kind of... avant-bullshit drama camp you went to that you think you can come in here and play this game, and that somehow that's going to impress me. But this is not how you impress me. This is how you piss me off. And I'm pretty sure--
And correct me if I'm wrong on this--
That I am the one person in this room that you probably should think about not pissing off.
(interrupts the stage manager before they can intervene:)
No, I'm sorry, I'm sick of it.
This is not a game. That seems to be what everybody thinks today. Maybe this is your first time in a professional audition situation. If you can call it that.
If we can consider this a professional situation, considering I can't get a decent fucking chair.
Do you know who I am?
(to both stage manager and auditor:)
Does anybody have any idea? Because I don't think you do.
Because I think if I was you, and I knew who I was, I would not be treating the opportunity to be in the same room with me like a big joke! This is not clever. It isn't edgy. This is not in-my-face. Look at my face. This is not a face that you are even remotely "in". What you are...is on my last nerve.
And that goes for you, too. It's gonna be a long rehearsal process if this is what I have to look forward to from day one. I can promise you that.
I mean, what the hell do you think you're doing? Is this supposed to make you stand out? You think this is memorable? That we shared a moment? Well, let me set you straight. There was nothing memorable...about this completely forgettable...performance. Completely. When you walk out of here, I'm not even going to know who you are. "Selena Battone? Who's Selena Battone? I don't even know who that is. Did we see her?"
Shut up!
Because this is what I think of...
(rips up head shot, throws it on the floor)
Now get out of my space. Go on, get out! You go home, and you think about what you've done. And maybe next time, you'll come prepared. Not next time here--let me be clear, you're not coming back here. I don't want to see you again--Next time in life. If you have a life.
Have a nice life. Now get off my stage.
All right, next!
No, you can go. Thank you. Don't sit there and look surprised, you're done. And don't even talk to me about your classical piece. I don't want to see your classical piece. You have a classical piece, don't you? Let me guess, it's the dog from "Two Gentlemen of Verona". That's brilliant. That's funny. I didn't see that coming. Get out. Thank you. Thank you!
(reacting to intestinal discomfort)
Aw, Jesus, now my guts are at it again.
You see what happens? Do you see what happens when I don't have my...decent fucking...goddammit!
NOTES:
- Selbat is an inverted audition. Throughout the scene, Selena behaves as if she is the director and the director/auditor is the aspiring actor.
- The "stage manager" can be the audition timer, or any other official who happens to be in the room. If the auditor is alone, the "stage manager" can be placed offstage.
- "Selena Battone" is a placeholder name. The actor should use her own name and headshot.
Workshop