Tasteless perspectives on the latest news:
On December 25, 2007, a Siberian tiger named Tatiana escaped from her open-air enclosure at the San Francisco Zoo and attacked three visitors shortly after closing time, killing one with a slash to his throat and injuring the other two others. The three victims were seen taunting lions less than an hour before the attack, and the two survivors were found with slingshots in their pockets.
(Lights up on: a person in a Tiger suit.)Now, Im not sayin Im one to go pointin fingers.
(holds up paws)
These paws are good for one thing only, am I right?
But I know Tatiana from back home Siberia an shes a good gal.
I just dont see her goin off without theres a good reason.
Cuz, listen. What happened dont get me wrong was a tragedy.
One dead. Plus theres two kids injured. And another kid dead.
You got better security, you dont see this problem.
Thats why we have cages.
Keep this sorta thing from happening.
The kids stay on their side of the moat.
We stay on ours.
Thats the way it works.
And it dont take brain surgery to figure that out, first day you get here.
Walls on three sides. Moat. Padlock. Tasers.
You get the picture pretty quick: They want we should stay in here.
And the food stays out there.
When Im hungry, theyll bring me some. No need to get worked up.
Thats the situation. Everybody knows their place. And thats how we maintain order.
Because if it was up to me and no walls hell, yes, Im gonna eat a kid now and then.
I wont eat em all dont get me wrong but once in awhile, sure.
And it wouldnt even be every day.
Twice a month, maybe.
Straggler here and there. Little fat one.
Just to thin out the herd.
Cuz lemme tell ya I been keepin an eye and that herd is getting fat. No offence.
And not to be makin light, but dont think I dont have em already picked out, the ones I want: Little girl in pink. Loud one on the end. Kid with a slingshot. Other kid with a slingshot. Kid-with-a-slingshots buddy.
Thats five, just off the top o my head.
So dont act surprised if somebody slips up, an Im all over the situation.
Just waitin for the right moment is all.
When its appropriate.
Cuz there are certain lines you do not cross.
Moat is one of em.
And I know the zoo people are feeling bad about it.
Like they shoulda done more to prevent this.
But seriously, dont beat yourself up.
If I want out. Im outta here. Nothin you can do about that.
Your ceramic boulder formations cute, but trust me not gonna do the trick.
I know you guys put a lotta thought into these enclosures.
But ygotta understand, Im in here all day, every day.
Walkin the perimeter down along the moat line back up around the perimeter.
So if theres flaws in the system and Im not sayin there are dont wanna tip my hand but hypothetically I already know about em.
Weak link in the fence?
Walls not up to spec?
Tree branches hangin over maybe shoulda been trimmed?
I even know which guardsre gonna be slow on the trigger And what shift they work.
So when I finally decide to make my move, your so-called precautions arent gonna make a bit o difference Believe me on that.
Only reason Im in here at all Im not sure I want to leave just yet.
I like it here.
Dont tell my podmates I said this but chasin down a gazelle?
Not all its cracked up, okay?
Id rather sit here and have em toss a steak in my mouth.
Thats what I call livin.
Runnin around after your foods a suckers game.
I make the food come to me.
And have you ever been to Siberia?
Maybe these African guys get homesick for the Serengeti
But where I come from this climate is to kill for all Im sayin.
So Im not goin anywhere anytime soon not without a good reason.
But lets just say just hypothetically that some o the food wants to hit me in the face with a pine cone.
If thats what happened.
Well, now were talkin different story, aint it?
Maybe now I want to be out.
I could use the exercise, thats for sure.
Maybe see what life is like the other side of the fence awhile.
And when that gets to be the case What are you gonna do about it?
Dart gun me?
Have you seen the way I move?
No you have not.
Sit on my ass all day is what youve seen.
But I promise you under these love handles like a tiger is what I am.
You dont even know.
So go ahead an underestimate.
But once I get it in my head to be that side of the wall, its gonna take more than tranquilizers to get me back in here.